Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn’t mean that you love them any less. Sometimes it makes you love them even more. The Last Song movie
It’s hard when you miss people, but you know, if you miss them, it means you’re lucky. It means you had something special in your life, someone worth missing. One Tree Hill 7.16
My hair stylist lost her husband to cancer last August. It was a hard battle with a drawn out ending. She hasn’t been the same since and probably won’t be. Last week, I went in to get my hair done, and she stopped and looked at me, knowing what had happened since my mom had seen her the week before. “It’s like this huge empty feeling right here, isn’t it?” as she stopped and pointed to somewhere between her stomach and her heart. I nodded, holding back tears. I didn’t have the courage to ask how long until that feeling fades away... if ever?
I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed You don't know this now but there's some things that need to be said And it's all that I can hear, It's more than I can bare...
What if I fall and hurt myself? Would you know how to fix me What if I went and lost myself? Would you know where to find me If I forgot who I am, Would you please remind me? Cause without you things go hazy Rosi Golan
2 weeks ago to this moment, January 30, 2010, my fiance (of 2.5+ years, boyfriend of nearly 5.5) and I broke the relationship.
We bowed to what we knew was the plan of God, even though it was the hardest thing either of us have ever had to do.
I cried to God, "Anything but this," and I meant it. I've known sickness, I've known pain, I've known more than most. And my continual cry was honest, yet my prayer unanswered.
As for God, His way is perfect. Psalm 18.30
That late Saturday night, I ended up in the emergency room with a subsequent hospital stay after a complete breakdown, and the rest of the days haven’t been any easier. One day I slept for about 20 hours straight (starting at 4pm), while other nights, I can’t even sleep. God never said His way was easy, but He did promise He’d be with us every step of the way.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Psalm 23.4-5
However, Jonathan and I have both used this separation time to bring us closer to God. Sometimes all but our very lives need to be taken away from us before we realize God is all we have left... and God is all we really need.
In the beginning, GOD. Genesis 1.1a
Him that filleth all in all Ephesians 1.23b
We’ve been holding to the promises we know are true, trying to get through this, to the other side... whatever is over there, we don’t know.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3.5-6
Yet still I can’t help but wonder...
How long until the tan line on my left index finger goes away? How long until I can start eating and drinking? (Losing 16 lbs in 2 weeks just isn't right) How long until I can see you without having to hold back tears? How long until I can mention your name without crumbling? How long until I can wash my hands without going into a panic, sure my ring is gone? How long until I can wear the clothes I wore when I was with you? How long until I can go into any place we have ever been together? How long until I can watch the movies or shows I first saw with you? How long until I can truly smile or laugh or love again? How long until all of the beautiful memories fade? How long until this nightmare is over?
How long until we finally see His higher plan?
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55.8-9
Right after that night, I made two lists - one of things I will miss, and one of things I won’t miss. I realize the second might have been inappropriate, but it’s the only way I could formulate some kind of coping at that point in time.
These are the things which I ultimately ache to see, hear, or feel just one more time... I'd give all but my very soul to have these things just for one more second. The things about you that I miss... The things you did that I’ll be forever so grateful for. Reasons to miss you even more... The things I will never forget. Whatever you want to call it, this is my list.
Your subconscious humming Your immaculate DVR commercial-skipping skills Putting up with my rants Entertaining my theories Your cold hands in the winter Letting me control the music in the car How you'd gently fix my ring if it was poking your finger Not minding my "return policy" How you'd gently stroke my back Your nerdiness How you could tell - without even looking - if I fell asleep Each time you told me I looked cute or was beautiful How you'd reassure me, "It's okay - we'll prepare for the worst." When you'd hold me as I sobbed How you'd whisper to God when I couldn't find the strength You using a coaster and usually putting any stray dishes in the dishwasher Long emails in the beginning No request was ever too much for you, not even Dairy Queen in January Getting gas before you picked me up Input regarding wedding things (colors, stationery, photographers) Relentless love Learning the value of family Putting up with my eccentricities and moods Carefully learning my needs Noticing I buy my favorite clothing items in a few different colors Letting me take my time Reassuring me Pretending to like your Amanda plant when really, you let it die Helping me cope with transitions and life events
Untangling my jewelry For painting my walls and hanging my curtains For waiting for me For knowing when and how to deal with what was beyond my walls Long drives Stopping me before I went "too far" whether it was in speech or deed Dropping your plans to hold me while I cried Driving me home, going east on 18, stars out, soft music playing, our hands together, our words soft Miniscule errands, all the time Your passion for your work Keeping my secrets Talking about our future children
Why you almost passed out Chick flicks Sacrificing to buy the bigger, clearer diamond to surprise me with Driving 2.5 hours to a concert you probably didn't want to go to Teaching me basketball Holding my hand in the hospital Letting me dawdle when shopping for anything, anywhere Movie theaters, Playhouse Square, concerts, Disney on Ice, Cavs games, and t-ball games Letting me do everything elaborately and excessively Growing your caring nature Going home only once I was settled in bed and kissed goodnight Letting me call you at midnight Spontaneous "I'll love you" texts Respecting me Your chivalry
Your light, just-because kisses on my head Sharing each and every one of our 1,190 days
Friday, August 20, 2004 to Saturday, January 30, 2010... Right now, I’m still coming to grips with losing my very best friend, fiance, husband, children, pretty house in Hudson, Ikea furniture, my job in Cleveland, and all of the other things we’ve weaved into the dream of our beautiful future.
We fit together like we were meant to be, and I really thought we were. The grief is worse than losing anyone in death because you’re still alive, I’m still alive, and both of us have to figure out now how to live apart until we can live together again as friends.
You were my first love. You carried and took care of me, stayed by me, held onto me. You taught me the existence of love itself, in believing in things much greater than ourselves. You nurtured my growth, enabled my being. You gently tore down my unsurpassable, incorruptible walls. You taught me how to love.
No matter where we each end up, we will always be entwined into the innermost beings of each other. Growing together for a quarter of our lives has left undeniable, indelible marks on our souls. For that, I will always love you.
Hear my cry, oh God - attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy... I will trust covert of thy wings. Selah. Psalm 61.1-4
You tucked me in, turned out the light, kept me safe and sound at night Little girls depend on things like that
Brushed my teeth and combed my hair had to drive me every where You were always there when I looked back
You had to do it all alone, make a living, make a home Must have been as hard as it could be And when I couldn't sleep at night, scared things wouldn't turn out right, You would hold my hand and sing to me
Caterpillar in the tree, How you wonder who you'll be Can't go far, but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might Don't you worry, hold on tight I promise you there will come a day Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away Got your wings, now you can't stay Take those dreams and make them all come true Butterfly fly away You've been waiting for this day all along and know just what to do
. . B u t t e r f l y . . . f l y . . . . . a w a y . . . . . .
When I'm alone and the light slowly fades Cold with the night closing in I know the shadow of almighty wings Lord won't you send them again
Lord send your angels to watch over me I'm so afraid of the dark Lord send your angels to watch over me Wrap me in sheltering arms Shield me, Keep me Hold me safe in your arms Lord send your angels to watch over me Wrap me in sheltering arms
Sometimes the child inside of me cries With fears of the dangers unknown And questions with answers I can't seem to find Then you send your angels to me
Lord send your angels to watch over me I'm so afraid of the dark Lord send your angels to watch over me Wrap me in sheltering arms Shield me, Keep me Hold me safe in your arms Lord send your angels to watch over me Wrap me in sheltering arms
-.-.-.-
The past week has been the worst week of my life, the deepest valley I've ever walked through, the hardest path of God's will I'll probably ever have to choose. But, it's also been the week I've grown closest to our God. If we lean on Him, through the troubled times, we can grow. Even in the darkest night, grace and hope surround us. As we cry out to God for that peace that passes all understanding, angels close in around us. Then Jesus comes near, wraps his arms around us and says, "It's okay, dear child. I am here. Remember, my ways are higher than your ways. Wait upon Me, and I'll renew your strength. You'll mount up with wings like the eagles. Just wait. Trust in me, and I'll direct your paths." Yes, waiting on and trusting in His plan can be so hard, so scary... but Jesus is love, and His word tells us that perfect love casts out all fear. It's amazing the strength we can lean on, the mercy we have all around us. Serving God can be so hard at times, but we know that He knows best, and He loves us, His children. The Word says His plans for us are good and will give us hope.
Angels, love, peace, strength, direction, grace, hope... how wonderfully our God provides.
You whisper that you are getting tired got a look in your eye looks a lot like goodbye hold on to your secrets tonight don't want to know I'm okay with this silence it's the truth that I dont want to hear
You're hiding regret in your smile there's a story in your eyes I've seen coming for a while hang on to the past tense tonight don't say a word I'm okay with the quiet the truth is gonna change everything
So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright so lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart look me in the eye lie, lie, lie lie, lie, lie
I know that there's no turning back if we put too much light on this we'll see through all the cracks let's stay in the dark one more night don't want to know I'm okay with this silence it's truth that I dont want hear
So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright so lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart so look me in the eye and lie, lie, lie
Don't want to believe in this ending let the cameras roll on, keep pretending tomorrow's all wrong if you walk away just stay
So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright so lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night I dont mind if you wait before you tear me apart look me in the eye and lie, lie, lie
I've known death for many years now, more than I can remember.
Whenever someone at church passed away, Mom would dress her tiny girls in their little dresses, white tights, and black patent leather shoes. She would do our hair really pretty, and then our family of four would head off to the funeral home. On the way, Mom and Dad would go over etiquette as if we had never known manners in our lives. They just wanted to make sure we were on our "best behavior." And we were. We would hold their hands as we stood in line to see the body, and while Mom and Dad shared their regards, we would sweetly smile and return any hugs given to us. As we walked out the room, we couldn't help but notice the people crying, the sadness, the atmosphere. Though out the doors, it was easily forgotten. Afterall, it was a sunny, beautiful day and we would go home and run through the sprinkler or play with our dolls. Meanwhile, a family's world had been shaken upside down.
Years passed and we began to understand.
I think death is one of those things that you wish you never got old enough to really know... And once you know it, you never forget when it strikes.
My aunt's mom, "Mrs. Coger" was like a grandma to me. She came to all of our family events and had such a sweet spirit. She made me feel special, and I loved to talk to her. I don't remember too much about her, but I do remember her love. She always carried such a peace with her too... She died on September 11th, 2001. Her funeral was the first one I really remember, maybe because I absolutely lost it when I saw her in the casket, or maybe because I was old enough by then to realize what it meant. Either way, I still miss her sweet spirit and gentle smile.
Then there was my parent's friend, we called him "Uncle Phil." He got sick at my graduation party and we later found out it was multiple mylenoma. For years, it slowly drained all the life out of him, and we were glad when his suffering ended. Yet even when he was in the worst pain, serving others was his priority. I remember one time he had just finished a treatment and was sitting poolside with a hat on. I was in the pool and my leg cramped up. I didn't say anything, but he knew something was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong, but as weak as he was, he got up and said, "Well I'm getting in anyways." Thankfully, my leg released and I showed him as I told him to sit back down. Then there was the time my doctor thought seeing an oncologist might help with my blood levels affected from my liver disease. While I waited in the waiting room, alone, the door opened. It was Phil. First I was embarrassed for him to see me there, and then I felt awful because I knew how upset he'd be knowing I was seeing a blood/cancer doctor. We said hello and he asked if everything was okay, and I told him it was. Worrying about me was the last thing he needed, but it was probably the first thing he did. Funny... we were all worrying about him. It rained at his funeral, absolutely poured. It was a cold, October day, and the wind and water chilled us to the bone. My parents were out of town, and I went home to a lonely house. I couldn't get warmed up no matter how many layers of clothes I put on, so I started the fire and sat and shivered until my little guys Bryce and Declan came over to go trick-or-treating. While the fire crackled, I remember yelling at God for taking him. Well, not for taking him but for letting him suffer so long before taking him. But if someone, even one person, came to God from his life, then Phil would have wanted to die. He was like that. But either way, why the years of one of the worst, most ravenous types of cancer? I hate myself for wanting to ask God that.
A decade or two ago, we gladly accepted Grandpa into our lives and shared baseball games, western movies, and fun family times... He didn't say much, but when he did, it was so funny. We loved that guy... and just like that, lung cancer, and he was taken away. He died after a long fight in the hospital, and I won't forget the day they took his IV out. My mind put the pieces together - no IV meant no hydration, nutrition, no IV meds... I'm not one to break down in public, but that's when I finally believed Grandpa was going to die. My grandma held me in the hospital hallway for what felt like an hour as I just sobbed and sobbed. Grandpa still lived for weeks after that, though. Our family stood guard on the oncology wing of the hospital, sharing all kinds of shifts, for weeks. The docors didn't know what he was holding on for, and we never found out. Completely not expecting it, I got the news that he was going fast while I was in Anatomy & Physiology class. I remember driving to the hospital begging God to let me see him one more time. I finally arrived, parked, ran inside the hospital, ran to the elevators, ran to his room, and there was my whole family. My Uncle shook his head as his eyes met mine. He was gone. I looked at Grandma and the only empty seat in the room was beside her, so I sat down. We embraced. I then noticed Grandma was holding his hand like she wouldn't let go. A few minutes passed and just like that, she got a disgusted look on her face, turned to me and said, "He's cold." She got up and left. That was it. Grandpa was gone.
Then there was a girl at church just a little older than me. She had the same name as me, and although I never really knew her, I was well aware of what we shared in common. I'd watched her my entire life. She had cystic fibrosis and always inspired me by coming to church even when I saw the pain swelling up in her eyes. She always wore a black dress suit... I'll never forget that. She was in so much pain, yet she wanted to look nice for God's house. She was beautiful for that. Watching her battle with CF was awful. It was up and down, up and down for years, and of course, she eventually had to succumb to it. I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news (Muppet Vision 3D in Disney World, last May) and I cried. When I saw her in the casket, I cried again. That could have been me. I thanked God for ending her pain and realized yet again how fragile life is. And then I asked God why he took her, too, like Phil. While He let them suffer for years before taking them. If it's our time to die, okay, I get that. But then why does it sometimes come with the most tragic, painful, atrocious sufferings the world has to offer? Why doesn't God stop it? I know He can. But as I said, I hate myself for even questioning Him on it. The Word says, His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts higher than ours.
And I remember my precious Nana died almost a year ago to the date. January 28, 2009. Maybe a year prior, we were out to lunch (like we always did) and while she was going on about her aches and pains, she addressed death for the first time in front of me. She said it'd be easier than being the old lady she was, with all of her problems. I interrupted her and told her to stop. I said, "Nana, you are not going to die. Don't you want to see me walk down the aisle? Don't you want to hold your great grandbabies?" That stopped her for a little while, but I guess it was just her time to go. Nana & Poppop are "snowbirds" so when they went down to Florida in October 2008, never in a million years would I think Poppop would come home early - with Nana in a casket. In fact, the thought of it now even makes me sick. I had the relationship with my Nana that most people can only dream of. I won't write too much here since I have pages and pages of memories on earlier posts, but she was one of my favorite people in the world. She got me, and I got her. She took pride in teaching her "Mandy Mine" a good portion of everything I know. She was classy, beautiful, and loving. Now, approaching the anniversary of her death, it takes my breath away to see my mom missing her so badly because I'm sure her very own daughter would miss her more than her granddaughter - and I miss her like the going-to-vomit can't-stop-crying take-the-pain-away type missing. It's been a year, and although it doesn't feel as overbearing, it hasn't lost its entire heaviness, and it definitely hurts like crazy. Her life was a big one in every way, and there is no way any of it is going to be forgotten anytime soon. I still cry for her so hard I feel like my stomach will come up through my mouth - death is hard. But thank God, I know I'll see her again someday. I can't wait, I really can't.
Then last night, less than 24 hours ago, God took a friend of mine. His name was Gregory, and his sister was Leslie. They moved here from Chicago and we went to church together. Our families became friends, and then in the beginnig part of 2008, the doctors found out Greg had a brain tumor. He went from worse to miraculously better to spiraling downhill fast. His parents, sister, and various friends from church stayed at his bedside every day of these last years. Yes, a lot of us from Akron went to Chicago just to cheer up a friend. That's the good kind of friendship, I'm sure of it. A bunch of his Ohio friends even surprised him with a party in Chicago (that made the news!) for his 20th birthday. But now he's gone, and again, we are wondering why he was in such constant suffering only to die. I know he's enjoying heaven, and although I'm not feeling my best right now, I know I need to go be with his family in Chicago. Friends get each other through stuff like this. Friends and God. There will be so much of both this coming weekend, I'm sure.
And to think this is all just a normal part of this crazy miracle called life...
The Notebook is on TV tonight. We have it on DVD, but for some reason watching it on TV is good, too. It's one of my favorite stories - boy meets girl, dad says girl too good for boy, boy and girl split up, think about each other forever... until they meet again and fall back in love. Something like that.
But anyways, for some reason I liked this scene tonight...
"Say I'm a bird!"
To feel that free. To dance around in the water, making no sense at all, and enjoying every minute of it. Wanting everyone else to join in and experience what you're feeling. Free.
I don't feel free right now. I feel chained down to a degree I'm resultingly becoming apathetic towards, chained down to some place a thousand miles from my comfort zone, forced to throw every free moment or feeling of freedom far away. I feel chained down to a relationship that should be deeper, and would be deeper, farther, if it weren't for us being chained down. Rules, regulations, traditions, status quos. Complete crap if you ask me. Why can't I get this degree on my time? Why am I "late," "slow," when really this is the best I can do? Why can't the truest, deepest love produce cash, securities, and benefits? Why can't unsurpassable, deep, yearning love equal marriage, true togetherness? Why is it all about money? Jobs. Obligations. And why do other people have to be so opinionated? Why do we tread carefully, trying not to let our loved ones down? Why do strangers look at us with confused eyes? I'd perform better for them, for me, for us, if I wasn't chained down. If I was free. Like a bird, like a butterfly, like a dream.
I am 22 & currently spend my days nannying my itty bitties + going to college (working on my nursing degree, goal: pediatric oncology) & am honored to be a published writer in a nursing anthology & a contributor to many scrapbooking publications. i love hanging with my amazing friends, sister & family. i love my baby puppy haylie brooke and our silly doggie ri-ri. in my rare spare time, i read & get crafty. i thrive on organization, my mac repertoire, learning & absolute fabulosity. my favorite place in the world is paris. my favorite color is pink. i love being a nurse & i believe each one of my patients is precious. i'm a night owl & wish my lifestyle promoted such habits. i like lazy jammie days. i believe in god and am thankful for his hand on my life. i believe that life is too short to be anything but happy, & i’m thankful that a chronic liver disease + the effects of a car accident have taught me important values that most people learn far too late. i hope that the world will find hope, and my idea of a good day is one in which i made someone smile :)
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