They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain -
They're smiling,
ecstatic,
triumphant.
They don't take pictures along the way because
who wants to remember the rest of it?
We push ourselves because we have to,
not because we like it.
The relentless climb?
The pain and anguish of taking it to the next level?
Nobody takes pictures of that,
nobody wants to remember.
We just want to remember the view from the top,
the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world.
That's what keeps us climbing,
and its worth the pain.
That's the crazy part.
It's worth anything.
- Meredith Grey
Grey's Anatomy 6.17 "Push"
(Picture: Love Chyler Leigh as Lexie Grey!)
It's Monday again! And I realize I have not posted in a long time (almost 2 weeks!) Many reasons exist, from school (two words: Nursing Research) to crazy schedules to extra nannying to grieving the loss of my fiance. But nevertheless, I thought I'd spice things up a bit and show you what I've been up to this past week. (Courtesy of the iPhone...)
Last week, we started the week by celebrating Bryce's seventh(!!!) birthday at Applebees. He and his brother both are practically my size! I told him I remember the day he was born. Talk about feeling old. He was so excited to get lots of outfits and lots of Nintendo DS games. :)
Tuesday, we went to Ikea. The closest Ikea is in Pittsburgh, and I usually only go there with Jonathan, but this time I went with my mom and sister. I bought a Malm 3-drawer dresser to replace my cheapy Wal-Mart 3-drawer piece of junk that is losing the bottoms of 2 of the drawers. I then assembled the Malm 3-drawer dresser all by myself, complete with screwdrivers, nails, cam locks, and lots of other fun tools and stuff. I was quite impressed with my efforts, especially after my mom didn't think I could do it. (And Mom thinks I can do anything! In fact, yesterday I asked her if she'd be proud if I won the National Juggling Competition - long story, saw it on the news... - and she said, "Well I'm your mom, so of course I would be! Moms are proud of everything their kids do." Right, ha!) I also put together a new chair for my desk since my chair now is the most uncomfortable thing you could ever sit in. This one is pretty much the same, only more expensive (hopefully better quality!), is a lot comfier, and has a bright pink seat on it! Fun!
After the break-up, I changed a lot of things in my life. I started parting my hair on the opposite side of my head, I cleaned out my closet, I started doing things differently... lots of other things I can't think of at the moment. One of such changes was re-painting my bathroom. It was a nice almost-lime green (not quite that bright, but pretty and cheery) and I decided to paint it a medium, light-milk-chocolate brown. The last time I painted anything, it ended up in a disaster, so my mom is paying my unemployed aunt to do it since she is a good painter. To make a long story short, today will be the 4th day that my bathroom's contents are between my bedroom, the hallway, and my Dad's side of my parents' bathroom. My bathroom could have easily been sanded, primed, and painted in two days max, but yeah... Lots of long stories involved here. Not to mention Haylie's discovery of her Nicorette gum which almost landed us in the emergency vet all night Saturday. (Apparently, nicotine poisoning is a huge deal with dogs, and seeing that my mischievous girl is a mere 12 lbs...) Anyways, I am babysitting this morning, but when I get home, I'm hoping I'll be able to move the contents of my bathroom back into my bathroom. I've been working on finding new wall art for my new bathroom, too. The last things I had on the wall no longer match, and change is good, so I have been shopping for the perfect signs, photos, plaques, whatever. I have a few things in mind, so we'll see.
Babysitting has been keeping me very, very busy lately ... my 2 nanny girlies and then my little guy quite a few nights lately (and then this AM at 6!)...
Oh, and not only am I building things (chair, dresser...), but I also successfully moved my broken external hard drive into a new case all by myself. The Ex was so sweet to "diagnose" the problem and told me what to buy, and using the instructions, I moved my real hard drive out of the broken casing into the new casing. I snapped things and screwed in the pieces, and the hard drive actually works now! I'm so proud of myself for that, too. :)
Just in time for me to get my new Ugg boots, the snow is melting and after a month of record snowfall here in NEOhio, it is supposed to be in the 40's and 50's all week long. Of course, I'd rather have nice weather than snow, but I'd also like to wear my $180 boots more than twice before the season is over!
Back to last week, I finally went to the LifeBanc training course so I can participate in organ-donation-awareness events. I have been with them since summer and even was on my way to an event (but had to go home since I was sick... another long story), and I was scheduled to take the course back in November but couldn't due to it being two days before Thanksgiving... so finally, I got it done this week. It was fun, and I learned a lot. I'm now "officially" allowed to volunteer when before, I think they were only letting me because of my own personal organ-donation awareness and my heart-wrenching I-need-a-liver personal story. ;-) April is Organ Donation Awareness Month, so there will be another post coming soon, I'm sure.
My cousin took today off and is coming over later to hang out. We're going to see Alice in Wonderland tonight. Honestly, it looks a little freaky to me. We'll see...
This week, I start clinicals again - Geriatrics/Rehab - after taking the first half of the semester off (as far as clinical courses go), and Wednesday is our first lecture. Then we go to 2-day/week lectures and Tuesday clinicals at a nursing home. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to this rotation, but I wasn't looking forward to obstetric nursing either, and I really ended up enjoying it. We'll see!
Found this in a magazine, quoting Vera Wang... Love it.
My dear Cali friend nominated me for this "Honest Scrap" award. According to De Ann (or now, may I call you Tootie since you've finally proclaimed it to the world?) I must list 10 random facts about myself. Then another dear blog reader, Maureen, gave me the Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award which coincidentally means I must list 10 random facts about myself. I'm very random, but I'm not very good about making lists like this, so I will let myself cheat and fulfill both obligations with one list. :)
1. My wardrobe has grown increasingly brown and black. It was a recent discovery, and yes, it's random. I still have a complete rainbow in my closet just because of my insane amassment of clothing in there, but I keep going for the brown or the black every time I go shopping, every day when I get dressed. And this is not a new randomosity - I'd say the past year, maybe? And plus, it makes just-the-right earrings and no-one-but-Amanda-would-wear-that necklaces way more fabulous.
2. I'm glued to my pink Coach datebook. I live by that thing. It may or may not be in my iPhone, but it will always be in the datebook. If someone were to take it, I'd feel lost and probably go into a panic attack. Knowing my recent luck, that said panic attack would probably end me in the psych ward. Not even kidding.
3. My dog is my human daughter and if I had more time, I'd have a few more. My goal is eventually to graduate to human procreation, but at the moment, nannying is enough kids for my life.
4. If I find a cute top or pair of jeans that fit just right or adorable, must-have shoes, I will buy it in all the colors I can fit into my wardwrobe. It's pathetic, really. I feel like Doug -remember that Nickelodeon cartoon where the kid wore the same outfit every. single. day. Ha! Case in point: Old Navy fold-over yoga pants (2 pairs black, 1 pair black capri), cute heel boots (black and brown), favorite Coach bag (black and brown), my favorite t-shirts (I'd say about 5 different tops with 2 to 4 colors of each)
5. I love my Pandora bracelet. I didn't even know what they were until a few months ago, and then it was what I wanted most for Christmas. Well, I got one, and have two spacers and the following beads: a heart from Jonathan, a dangle cross from my sister, a pink stone from Grandma, and my Nana's birthstone (and mine - we're both born in August) that I bought with the money Poppop gave me for Christmas (in her memory of course) There's so many more charms I'd love to add, but what's so special if there is no story behind each charm? Going to Jared and stocking my bracelet would be fun, but it would make the bracelet meaningless. Plus, I love how the beads slide all around now. It wouldn't do it if it was full! :)
6. I am, after 5 1/2 years, single again. It's surprising how fast I've reverted back to my ways of not shaving my legs, doing whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it, and drooling over any man-candy I may encounter. I'm unabashedly single and hoping I'll soon love it as much as I used to.... before things got so complicated and I fell head-over-heels in love. I'm a single adult for the first time in my life, and I find it liberating sometimes. There's a few things I want to do before I settle down again, and I think that's awesome.
7. I love giving stuff away or even selling stuff. I find some hidden joy in finding someone on Freecycle or Craigslist or eBay who really want my used whatevers. I give all my old accessories to my friends and cousin, too. I'm doing some massive cleaning out lately, and I have been doing all of the above plus filling a huge box for our church yard sale which is like 6 months away. Purging feels so good. I don't know how people can hoard stuff unless of course, they're simply too busy to clean it out. That would be a problem.
8. I had to hit rock bottom and lose all but my very life before I realized how much God loved me and keeps His hand on my life... despite myself. Despite ourselves, He is watching over us.
9. I love to buy cards and gifts for people. I love wrapping presents and curling the ribbon. I love tying on pretty tags and finding just the right card. :)
10. I always bite off more than I can chew. Any project I seem interested in, I dive right in, give 200%, and usually find out I'm too busy for it after all or just get bored with it. I take "live life with passion" a little too literally. I also think I can do anything until I realize I can't. Now, I can do many things, and I believe anyone can do anything they set their mind to, but that's completely not the point on this one. Case in point? If you'll hem my pants, why do I need to waste all that frustration of trying to do it myself? For less than an hour's work pay, I can get my car washed at the gas station with the extra nice soap and special clean whatever? I will not wash my own car, waste 2 precious hours, get soaking wet, and earn myself an evening on the heating pad with a muscle relaxer. How about food? If my mom is home, she can make whatever I want better and faster, and everyone has curb-side take out now, so learning to cook? Nah, no point. And along the same lines, I really do think I have more hobbies, or attempted hobbies, than any sane person should have... and probably less time for hobbies than most people have.
My duty, again according to Tootie, in accepting this honest scrap award is that I must award it to seven other blogs. Maureen passed it onto three. So I have no idea. I'm going to now cheat a second time in one post and say this: If you want, just post it on your blog and link back. How's that? Twitter friends, blog reader friends, whoever you are... I think you all rock. And if you're extra busy like me, just go on with your life. But I have fulfilled my honors and obligations and will now go do my Nursing Research homework and think about who I can bribe to paint my bathroom brown. All before a 2 year old and 5 month old wake up from their naps.
Love to you all!
Today I woke up exhausted, not liking the gloom out my window, not looking forward to eliminating my Ex's existence on my legal documents, and not looking forward to visiting my hepatologist - an hour away - late in the afternoon.
So first up... in to see my attorney to get all of my power of attorneys, durable healthcare power of attorneys, living will, etc. revised. Mr. Attorney said it wasn't smart to put my fiance in such important legal documents, but I told him we weren't like other couples, and it would be fine. Today I bit my words as we took his names off of all of my legal documents - as if he doesn't exist - on my most important papers anymore. I signed, signed, and signed, and he notarized, notarized, notarized. Off we went with new documents, reflecting my new life. Off we went to Cleveland... ugh.
My mom and I listened to a really uplifting CD on the way there, and I love spending time with my mom. But the drive is so long. The visits aren't the worst of it; it's just draining by the time you do the driving, parking, waiting, signing in, etc. But onto to the visit - Of course I saw Dr. Hupertz's resident first, and this resident rubbed me the wrong way. That's what started it. Then I saw my doctor. All in all = lots of tests and procedures to be scheduled. My I'm-fine-hey-no-liver-problems-here break is officially over. It seems I get a hiatus every Aug/September through April or May since she tries to follow the school schedule, but it's approaching March... April... May... June, and there's lots of info she wants on me... well, here it comes again. How's the scans looking? How are the cysts on my kidneys looking? How big are the varices? Is the bloodflow blocked even more? Is the MELD high enough to warrant a transplant yet? She has questions, and I don't want to give her the time to get the answers. I don't want the answers in all actuality. I'm bored with all of this. I just want to be better. So anyways, back to today - then we go to schedule all these procedures. I always see the same scheduler who I love, but hey look, they decided to hire a new one who knows absolutely nothing. I absolutely loathe arguing, and that's all we were doing, so I had to have my mom come in and talk to this woman because things were seriously getting that heated. She couldn't care one bit about any word I had to say, and it was her way or no way, and she was all WRONG. So we finally got me scheduled, I went downstairs and gave them their vials of blood, and then my mom and I went to the car in the rain, and I slept the entire way home.
I get home, go to bed, exhausted and hoping I can sleep. Of course not. So I take some meds. Then I'm not sure if it was he or I, but texting with the Ex began. Things got violent and some very hurtful things were said, some opportunities to simply show love were ignored, and I ended up on my dad's bed crying while he watched TV. I asked him if this was a normal way for a guy to handle something like this. That's how the conversation began. He turned off the TV and we talked and talked and talked, onto and past about 200 different topics, each about said guy and his actions and what has happened and where it hurts. Then Dad stands up... what is he doing? Getting something out of the bathroom... oh... a tissue. For me. Dad got me a tissue. So by the time said tissue is in my hand, I was bawling, so he just stood there, arms open wide, until I came into them and sobbed. He told me he was hurting so badly for me and he knows how I've been wronged, how the approach to this breakup was entirely poorly-mannered and months of damage had already occurred.... long story. But he told me how this has been so hard for him to see me go through this, and he loved me, and there was a greater plan. So I sobbed, and he cried, and I sobbed... into my daddy's strong arms. His arms meant he knew, he cared, he understood, and everything would be okay. Hurt and violated, yes, but he agreed with me in my gratitude for the grace of God intervening 3 weeks ago. It's amazing, it is.
Then I texted my sister to see a movie at 10 with me. I ached to see Dear John again... to see someone else hurting like me. But, Nik has to go to bed for early class. I text my cousin. I text my bestie. I remember that Jen, bless her heart, had just gotten out of work, and here she tells me me she'll be on her way just as soon as she stops home for clothes. She's almost missing a work deadline on her new RN job and is exhausted out of her mind, but she's driving an hour from work to her house to get stuff to come 45 minutes to my house to spend the night and pray with me and let me cry and cry and cry.... and then wake up and make sure I'm just a little better in the morning. Now that's a best friend.
We are blessed, dear friends, so so blessed.
November
Has taken its toll
And if I know better
There's more to come
And the ocean is waitin' at our backdoor
You know we could leave
But we know in our hearts
There's so much more
We will find a way
To make it through these days
And we will find a way
To make it through these days
And I've fallen face down in the sun
Yeah, I take my chance playin'
Life's little dance and I still don't understand
And people are talkin' at me
Yeah, they make no sense
Wish I could pay my expenses
And get on the next train outta here
We will find a way
To make it through these days
We will find a way
To make it through
With sweet love and prayer
And who's the fairest of us all
And who will fight for you and I
Who's the bravest of us all
And who will hold us when we cry
When we cry
And we will find a way
To make it through these days
We will find a way
To make it through
To make it through
To make it through
To make it through
To make it through
Gemma Hayes
It's been so many days since I've written. I've been sorting through parts and pieces of my life, reassembling some broken parts, throwing away of a few unusable things, adding a bunch of wonderful, graceful things, you know, just renovating a bit. Using the bad to bring out some good. And I finally believe the wings of this new and improved Amanda are finally ready to fly. I like who I am now, and I feel like I'm so much more mature. I know what I want. Everything is so clear to me right now. Sure, I'm still struggling with a few things, but I learned how to leave them at the feet of Jesus.
Speaking of the glorious... all week, I've been dwelling on this post by the fabulous Angie Smith (at another great blog you should check out, (In)Courage), entitled "The Glorious Hem." Read, reflect, and rejoice. We - despite our many, many flaws - are all wanted, and we will all be redeemed. Nothing matters but what we have in store for us only by the grace of God. May we press on, getting through the dirt we encounter all over this life, to finally meet our groom. He knows us and wants us. He is waiting for us with his promises to wipe away our tears and make all things new. Glorious!
Todd and I seem to be in "Spring Cleaning" mode a little early this year. In the past few days, we have started tackling some home projects that we have been putting off for awhile. One of them (which I was DREADING) was cleaning out our closets.
I was dreading it for a few reasons, not the least of which was that there were some sassy pants in a size 2 that I knew God was calling me to surrender to the "in your dreams" pile. I decided I need to take some pressure off myself about losing all of my baby weight, so I was actually pretty liberal with my sorting this time around.
I was also dreading cleaning out the girl's closets because there were stacks of clothes that needed to be sorted by size and season, and different piles for people who have little girls I have been putting it off forever, so I committed the afternoon yesterday and set up shop in Kate's room. I turned on the radio and started reaching for the piles.
About a half hour later, I was in tears.
I hadn't expected it to be so mentally draining. I have mentioned this before, but I really feel like I see life in photographs...
I remember the outfit Ellie was wearing when she realized that the hose water was freezing, and about 2 seconds later when she taught Abby the same lesson the hard way.
I remember what Kate wore home from the hospital, and what blankie I first photographed her in.
I remember the bathing suit that Abby was wearing when she felt beach sand for the first time.
I remember the dresses the girls were wearing last Christmas, when I was a few months pregnant with a baby girl I thought was healthy.
I have one of our Christmas cards from last year and it is signed "Todd, Angie, Ellie, Abby, Kate and Baby Smith."
I grieved all over again, in a different way. I grieved because I can't hold her in those sweet hand-me-downs while rocking her to sleep. It seems like at this point, the hardest moments come in ways that are totally unexpected. I start to feel like I am doing really well, and then I get hit over the head with this queasy feeling of agony.
I sat on Kate's floor and dreamed of Audrey for awhile. I miss her so much, and I daily mourn the loss of the little moments of life I take for granted with the girls.
As I made my way into my closet, I felt so heavy with sadness. I started throwing my maternity clothes into a giant bag while I had a little "conversation" with God. It was pretty one-sided.
At least it was at first.
After a few minutes, I looked up and saw the bag that has my wedding dress in it. When I talk about "the Lord speaking to me," it is in a time like this, when I feel a prompting to do something and I know that it is coming from Him. In this moment, I felt like I needed to unzip the bag.
It seemed a little odd, but I know Him well enough to know that I should just obey the urging and let Him guide me to where I am supposed to be. I unzipped the bag and for a brief moment, my mind was consumed with the fact that I used to have a 21 inch waist, but then I remembered that the God of the Universe was speaking to me (clap, clap!) so I returned to a posture of listening.
I pulled the bottom of the dress out of the bag and the train came spilling out. I spread it out on the ground and studied it as moments of my wedding day came to mind. I started to relax and my eyes drifted to the edges of the train. And I saw the most incredible, unexpected thing.
The hem of my gown is dirty. Really dirty.
And I know how it got that way. I walked down a church aisle, took photographs in the grass, and danced and ate my way to happiness. I lived in it.
A few dresses down from my wedding gown is the dress I wore when we buried Audrey. It is dirty as well, but not from happiness. It is stained with fresh earth, wrinkled from kneeling by my daughter's grave.
And so I sat on my closet floor asking the Lord to show me why He had brought me here. I closed my eyes and imagined the hem of my wedding gown as I danced with my new husband.
"... I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." -Revelation 21:2-5
I couldn't remember the whole scripture, but the words "You are the bride of Christ" came to mind. I suddenly had an image in my mind of myself in a glorious white gown that floated all around me. A seemingly endless train chasing after me as I walked.
And then, Him.
I couldn't see Him in my mind, but I felt a great peace as I imagined my hands, clutching at fabric all around me so I could run to where He was. I saw myself, falling before Him as my dirty gown settled all around me.
Dirty from the hurt and the disappointment.
Dirty from the dancing in joy.
Dirty from years of walking across a wet graveyard.
Dirty from loving deeply, richly, completely.
Dirty from the fears, the dreams, the sorrow, the confusion.
Dirty from the memories, the regrets, the mistakes, the injustice of this world.
Stained by this life I have walked while my Savior whispered, "One day I will wipe your tears, my sweet bride..."
What a glorious hem surrounds us all. It follows us wherever we go, gathering up pieces of this life in anticipation of the next.
And one day, I will bow to the King of Kings, and I will worship Him.
And as He wipes the tears from my eyes, I will ask Him the question that cannot be answered fully from a closet floor....Where is she, Lord?
And in the meantime, I will start to think of my days like a wedding photograph. I will walk, veiled, down this long aisle, in breathless anticipation of the day that awaits me.
I will trust in the One Who will make all things new in His time.
I will keep my eyes on He Who waits for me.
I will.
Or rather, I do.
Angie Smith, Bring The Rain
