I don't have many answers sometimes, but I do know one thing - I have life. You have life. That right there is a crazy miracle, an amazing amazing thing, that we have to be thankful for. Wow.

But what about the pain? Well someone right now is hurting just a tad worse. What about this? Someone somewhere is going through something just a little heavier. Their question is just a little more pressing. You had to fight for a few breaths? Well at least you eventually got them.

God doesn't make mistakes. He didn't give you the gift of that last breath you took, yep, right now - that one too - for nothing. The fact that God is even here is something in itself to be thankful for. Without Him? I won't even let myself think that way...  I do know though... we wouldn't even have that one constant amazing (no matter how big or small) peace of knowing that no matter what, we are not alone.

I know it's hard. Trust me... I know.  Just last night, upon crashing down like I've never crashed before, I sobbed and shook trying to think of something to be thankful for. My fiance was with me, and I knew I had him.  I knew I didn't like to let him see me broken.  I knew love was accepting of the good and the bad.  And I know I do have that...  love. And family. And friends. And a beautiful angel puppy. And many material possessions. But still, what about the deeper? At the end of the day, when forever comes to an end, what's left?  What is there to be thankful for?

Silence the screams, the whispers, whatever it is that is standing on your chest making you unable to maintain consistent breath, let alone stand. Or walk. Or try.

And realize, we are blessed. We may not know why or be able to believe that we are, or maybe we totally are stoked and think we are amazingly enabled and have been blessed beyond measure. Whatever period of life you're in right now, embrace gratitude. Look beyond the now. See beyond the why.

We all have something. And we are all something to someone and have more than we allow our eyes to see.

I thank God for this most

amazing day;

for the leaping greenly

spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky;

and for everything

which is natural, which is

infinite, which is yes.

So on that note, look up. If it's hard? This too shall pass. And if it's amazing and lovely? Be just a tiny bit extra thankful. :)

Lastly, please please take a few moments to read what Angie Smith just posted. She lost her baby earlier this year and beautifully explains how human she is, yet at the same time, how dedicated she is to trying to trust in His plan. She inspires me beyond words. 

My brother in law Greg posted this the other day, and I have to admit that it got me thinking.

Saying thank you to God in the midst of our circumstances is definitely different than saying thank you for them. And yet, scripture tells us to do both.

I have had a bad week. I have cried until my eyes were bloodshot and the sheets were soaked with grief. I pretty much told God that we would have to talk about it later. I stared at my Bible on my nightstand and then reached for the book next to it instead. I take a lot of opportunities on this blog to show you my adoration for the Lord. Every word I have written has come from my heart, and I love Him more than I could ever begin to describe.

Really. Truly.

But I didn't want to talk to Him this week.

As a sidebar, I am sure that the God of creation is getting a kick out of me actually writing out the fact that I was acting like a 5 year old.

In a sense, I feel like these words may cause some of you lose a little respect for me, because you may have an image of me, kneeling by candlelight with my Bible while my children sew doilies and laugh about the preposterous things that society is presenting on prime time television.

So, I try. I really do. I look for Him everywhere, in everything. I talk to Him like He's right next to me, and I feel more safe in the presence of God than I could describe in words.

But.

Thank Him for the death of my child?

That's hard.

Monday was particularly bad for me. It was raining here, and the world just felt all wrong. Todd suggested I go to the gym and get away for a little while, so I did. I had my music full-blast, which, as I soon discovered, does not prevent God from speaking. I was staring outside at the wet road, running away from Him, content to keep up the pace.

I started thinking about what Greg had written, and I imagined how beautiful it would be for me to have the kind of faith that thanks God for death. I admire those who can do it. I want to be a woman like that, who is so fixed on eternity that this world never shakes her. I told myself that if I could just get the words out, He would transform my heart to believe that I meant them.

Lord, thank you for...

I couldn't finish the sen tence. I started crying and running faster. I put on a song I love about what the crucified life looks like and I tried again.

Lord, thank you for...

Nope.

I closed my eyes and just listened to the words, and after a few minutes I felt myself start to long for Him the way I haven't in the last week.

I had a good talk with God... At one point, I told Him I didn't understand how in the world I could thank Him for the death of my daughter. I told Him (I'm just being honest here) that I didn't think I could ever say those words.

How sweet and reverent of me.

Maybe I should post a doily pattern instead.

But as my Bible study leader Ms. Nancy says, "He loves you right where you are, but He loves you too much to leave you there." The beautiful thing about our Lord is that He doesn't mind our questioning, as long as we do it with hearts that are sincere in longing for truth. I want to be right with God. I want desperately to bring Him glory. But sometimes, I just have to shake my head and say, "I don't get it, Lord. I don't know that I have it in me this time..."

Later that night I took Ellie and Abby to run errands with me, and on the way home we stopped by this new Thai restaurant to get some take-out. While we were waiting, we found a little table in the corner and started talking about how the day had been. I told them I missed Audrey, and as soon as I said it, I remembered something that Ellie had said in prayer.

"Ellie, you know how sometimes I ask you to tell God something that you are thankful for?"

She nodded.

"And you know how sometimes you say that you are thankful that God took Audrey away?"

She nodded again.

"Why do you say that, honey?" My voice cracked. She looked at me like she didn't understand why I was so confused.

"Because she's in heaven, momma. And she is so happy. So we say 'thank you. And we will see her again.'"

"So no matter what, Ellie, you can say thank you? Even if you don't like it?"

"Yeah."

"So would you say 'thank you' if someone stole your bike?" I studied her face.

"No."

"Well then, what would you say?"

"I would say 'would you please give my bike back?'"

I laughed out loud.

Because it made sense to me. I am just human, and you know what? It isn't going to be tied up in a neat bow. I can say all the fancy, pretty words that come to mind, and at the end of the day, sometimes I just want my bike back.

Maybe you do too.

We all want to feel like our hurts have been redeemed, don't we? If we could just see the big picture, and all of the things that God sees, maybe it would be easier to thank Him for the things we shake our fists at. The things that cannot be fully redeemed in this life.

For those of you who have read my blog for awhile, I won't have to explain this photo. A few weeks ago, I heard Abby yelling, "I figured it out, mommy!!!! Come see!!! Now it's going to be so great!!!" I started walking toward her room, and this is what I saw.

We want to fix it in this life, don't we?

And it hurts so much that we can't.

It will be redeemed, friends.

Maybe not here, and maybe not soon, but it will be redeemed. So, in the meantime and in the midst of great disappointment, may we keep our eyes on He Who knows what we do not.

I am going to give you a Thanksgiving challenge, and I want you to know that I will be taking part in it as well. Sometime today, I want you to find a quiet moment in your day to sit in the presence of the Lord. Write down one thing that you are thankful for.

And here's the catch.

It has to be something you don't feel thankful for. It may be something you are carrying with you everyday, and haven't found a way to let go of. A divorce, a death, a loss, a deep wound, a regret you can't shake.

I want you to write the words. "I am thankful that..."

You might not feel like you mean them yet. That's okay.

Tuck the paper away in a book, put it on your nightstand, throw it in the trash if you must, but write the words. There is astounding beauty in obedience-the act of trusting the Lord with the parts of life you want to cling to the most. I am praying that the Lord will take this seed, this offering, this piece of crumpled paper, this giving of thanks, and He will begin to grow a tree of beauty in our souls.

I am praying for you all. May we all remember this Thanksgiving as the one where we learned what it looks like to start thanking God for it all.

Happy Thanksgiving, Sundays.

Go make it a good one.

Angie

*~*

Feel the beautiful heaviness of gratitude

... of love ...

and sleep in peace tonight.