Simply put, things spun out of control.  Although it was hard, I decided to continue on schedule in the Spring of 2008, and looking back at the end of that semester, I was thriving.  Physically, not so much, but I was doing fabulous in the Nursing program, making connections, making a difference, and it felt great.  

At the end of the semester, I started interviewing for a Student Nurse Technician position, which I landed at a local city hospital.  I don't remember much about that time, but I do know that I would have never guessed I wouldn't come back to campus for over a year after leaving it that spring.  

For fall semester, I took Human Physiology at a regional campus in the evenings as I needed that to continue my clinicals and because of my continuing health problems, I struggled with the morning class in the summer and therefore dropped it.  I struggled with it in the fall, too, again due to health, but I did eventually get through just fine.

Fall and winter showed increased health obstacles, so during the spring, I took an online course instead of clinicals, Health Care Policy, which I loved.  

This Summer began, and I met with my Student Accessibility Services coordinator about special accommodations I would need if I were to restart my clinicals.  I figured surely I'd be better by the end of summer, and I got everything all set for restarting them in the Fall. I even added them into my schedule.  

When Summer was quickly passing and I was still facing health problems and two separate litigations, I questioned the practicality of my decision to return back to school in a degree track that knows no mercy.  I obtained a "second opinion" on my sleep disorder, and after we made zero progress on that front, that's when I started to worry.

I decided to add a 2nd major (in addition to Nursing), Integrated Health Science with a focus in Health Services.  A lot of the required courses would transfer from nursing, and the additional courses are within my scope of interest and the degree would be a nice addition into with my nursing career path.  I took three online courses this summer, all for the new major - Health Introduction, Human Sexuality, and Sociology of Health and Health Systems - and I did well in all of them.  

Meanwhile, Summer was nearing to a close, and I was just getting ready to schedule another round of physical therapy and my first round of acupuncture.  Physically, I wasn't doing much, if any, better.

Any time I'd consider my re-entry back to Nursing, I had always thought of it to be a positive experience.  I would be certain of my decision, I would be feeling better on all fronts, and I would be convinced it was the right time.  This was not "the" time, so I decided it would be best to swap my nursing clinical courses for a few others in my IHS degree program.  I was happy to find a great mix of four courses, and I was very pleased with my new fall schedule.

Then came last Saturday.  I had off from babysitting, and I can't quite remember what sparked the idea, but I decided to look in our course program online.  One thing led to another, and the end result was that my schedule now had clinicals back on it, swapping out the IHS courses and adding in a huge venture I honestly hadn't thought out.

I was very proud of what I did.

Until I thought about it.  

Of course, I was going to go back to nursing school, but the condition was only once I felt physically up to it.  I was going to make the decision before I ever went back, and I was going to have an entire summer to study, prepare, and just mentally get used to the idea.  I was going to be confident with the progress of my sleeping disorder, back problems, and fatigue levels.  Like I said a second ago, it was going to be "the" time.  I was going to be convinced I was up to it. 

Right now, if I had to be black or white on the subject, I'd definitely be closer to doubting my ability than being sure of it.  

But hear me out....

I have a semester filled with two clinical courses, each comprised of a 4-hour lecture and a 10-hour clinical, one being in Cleveland.   All said events are first thing in the morning, and we're not even discussing how early I have to get up for the clinical rotations.  I'm talking hours before sunrise.  Hours.  I'm not lazy, but I was clinically diagnosed with narcolepsy (the validity could be disputed, but that's the diagnosis...) and as a result, will have to not only hear an alarm to get up, but I will have to take a major stimulant upon waking up if there is any hope of me staying up.  The said stimulant makes me shaky, nauseous, tired (but not sleepy), and pretty much enables my body to stay awake while just feeling like a zombie.  It's forced wakefulness.   It triggers migraines and also anxiety, and I get a panic attack probably half of all the days I take it.  (I only take it when I absolutely have to.)  It is my most dreaded medication of all, and that's saying something.  I have allergic reactions to all similar drugs except for a few newer drugs that I actually get no effect from whatsoever.  So bottom line, to stay awake through an early morning lecture or all day clinical, it's all any doctor has for me, and it makes my life miserable.

Then there is my back.  I have fibromyalgia, and at the end of a few hours of any activity whatsoever, I usually need a pain patch, a heating pad, a massotherapy session, a Percocet, or a muscle relaxer.  When I worked as a nurse technician, 8-hour shifts put me in so much pain that I was on 4-hour shifts when I eventually went on medical leave.  I saw an actual back specialist last week (in addition to my pain specialist who treats my fibromyalgia-related back pain) and have yet to hear anything on that.  But the physical therapy and acupuncture I was going to start are no longer in the plans since I won't have time if I'm taking my courses and nannying.

In fact, I probably won't get to see my most important specialist while in school since she's now only seeing patients 2 days/week, and of course, they're the two days I'm busy all day. 

But back on topic...

I can't forget about that little thing called "end-stage liver disease."  Just those words enough usually grant any get-out-of-jail-free pass I'd ever need.  And technically, because of my weakened immune system and excessive fatigue, I shouldn't be working in the hospital anyways.  One bad germ and that's it for me.

With all this against me though, it's sort of like it makes me want to try harder.  It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, yes - that, too - but then I think to myself, "No one is making you do this."  It's my choice.  Completely, totally my choice.  

So then I curiously try to attempt to pinpoint why I'm even trying?  Afterall, it was my favorite nursing professor who told me years ago, "Amanda, what kind of a nurse are you if you can't first take care of yourself?" 

Well, because I want to get married.  That's why.  I want to get a good job (or not... because I can't even work 4-hour shifts, remember?) and get good insurance so that Jonathan and I can get married.  I want to do something big.  And yes, maybe a "wrong reason," but I want to prove a few people wrong and make a few other people really, really proud.  I don't want to let down myself anymore.  I don't want to let down everyone who is rooting for me... every day I find out it was a few more than I ever thought. 

I don't know what I'm going to end up doing.  My nerves are out of control just thinking about it - as hard as I try not to. (Mannn, am I trying not to!)  I really, really hope I at least try.  I need to give it a try so that way, I'll never be able to say I didn't at least give it my all.  I believe with all of my heart that not trying is worse than trying and failing.  I just don't know if I'm even strong enough to try yet...  I guess I can fool myself and pretend I am - that has to last a few days at least!

Once again, we have more decisions in this complicated crazy life... the kind that don't have right or wrong answers.  The kind I'm quite frankly getting sick of.  

Until I change my mind again....  how about you can count me a few extra times in your prayers as lose all of my control and wholeheartedly jump right in and give it a try.

But is trying really losing control?  Or gaining it?

The gate is wide 
The road is paved to moderation 
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in 
Welcome to the middle ground 
It's safe and sound and 
Until now it's where I've been 

Cuz it's been fear 
That ties me down to everything 
But it's been love, Your love 
That cuts the strings 

So long, status quo 
I think I've just let go 
You make me wanna be brave 
The way it always was 
It's no longer good enough 
You make me wanna be brave 
Brave, brave 

I am small 
And I speak when I'm spoken to 
But I am willing to risk it all 
To say Your name 
Just Your name, and I'm ready to go 
Even ready to fall 

Wided-eyed 
Take this fowl compromise 
Why did I 
Try to keep it all inside 

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame 
And every storm will start with just a drop of rain 
But if You believe in me 
That changes everything

(nichole nordeman)