Thursday, February 05, 2009

Then she went to sleep…

The last few hours that somehow made up two days rank among the top few hardest times of my life, and that says a lot.

The day of and proceeding days after losing Nana on January 28th can only be described as the longest, most torturous nightmare, but nothing compares to the moment I saw her for the first time after her death.

Mom had worked so hard to find one of her nicest dresses and make her look identical to a photo we had of her wearing that dress. Every detail, down to which two earrings were on each ear and which necklace lie on her chest... Mom even redid her hair after it had already been styled because it wasn't like she really wore it. But walking into that room and seeing my Nana in there... in the most beautiful mauve coffin surrounded by arrangement after arrangement of her favorite flowers... The room was edged all around with her paintings, dozens of photo frames, various scrapbooks and tributes... Our who family worked hard to ensure the room would speak for itself, proclaiming the love Nana shared with so many and the passion she had about everything.

It was all perfect, just how she would have wanted it. But at the same time, it was so wrong. With my hand in Jonathan's, I stepped towards her and the horrendous grief that had throbbed in my heart for days was nothing compared to that moment.

Who was that in the box? Definitely not Nana. Her nails were painted just like they always were, and all of her rings were just how they always were, too. We all loved those beautiful hands, the hands that created and loved and gave, the distinctive tiny hands with little fingers that Mom and I have, too. But that face? That wasn't Nana. I didn't know what it was, but it just wasn't hers. I reached and grasped her hand - just like she always did to me - and found it cold and rubbery. I sobbed and sobbed. This was not right. This was not how life was supposed to be.

This was my worst nightmare.

We all stood tall though as hundreds came to honor my Nana. There was the longest line and so many new and familiar faces came and shared their love and support. We felt so much strength and are forever grateful for such wonderful friends and family.

It was my little guys though who made the biggest difference. Shannon wasn't sure about them standing in line for so long and then seeing something quite like that, but I told her I'd take a break from all the hugging and thanking and greeting to keep them occupied in the playroom while she and her parents spent some time with my family. (Her mom is my mom's best friend.) I knew they were ready though, and I knew they'd be fine. I got down on my knees and told them we needed to have a chat. I asked them if they remembered my Nana, as they had met her several times. I then tried to explain to them how she died which means now she's with Jesus. I told them how their "Auntie Pam" got a chance to pray with her, and she let Jesus into her heart so she got to go to Heaven. I explained to them how she's so happy up there, and everyone is only sad because we will miss her. I didn't know if they'd get confused about seeing her body while thinking it was in heaven, so I told them that her body was still here on earth, but that's because she has a brand new better body in heaven. Her body here is empty, and her soul is up with Jesus. Bryce said, "Ohhhh, I know!!"and then told me one time he heard my mom (who is a Sunday School teacher) say, [his version of whatever she really did say], "She was sleeping then she woke up, then she was sleeping and sleeping, and then she woke up, and then she nodded her head, and then she went to sleep!!" That was his version of Nana being unconscious for so long, and she woke up once or twice (during which I said my last goodbye), and then the last time she woke up, my mom asked if she wanted to pray, and she nodded her head. My mom prayed with her and asked if she believed what she heard. (She was unable to speak.) Amazingly, Nana nodded her head again before going back into unconsciousness. Our God is so merciful and woke her up long enough to pray before, as Bryce said, "Then she went to sleep!"

If you're wondering, yes, the boys did great. At only 3 and 5, my little guys proudly told everyone that Nana was in heaven with Jesus. That faith, that peace... so precious.

Today was nothing short of heart-wrenchingly painful. After a beautiful service, when it came time to say our final goodbyes, I hugged and kissed her, and I told her how much I loved her. Then right before we left so they could close the coffin, I took our family picture and gently placed it in her hands. That's what she would have wanted. Each and every one of her precious family members will be with her forever or at least until we meet her up there at those gates of pearl.

But at the bottom of it all, and as hard as this time is, Bryce was right...

Nana had a beautiful, full life. She loved, loved, loved. And then what?

Then she went to sleep.

In the arms of an angel, I'm sure.

And in loving memory of my Nana, here is the post I put in her online guestbook.

To my beautiful Nana,

I never thought this day would come so soon. I never thought it would come at all, actually, because I just can't imagine living without you. But here it is, and as excruciating as this time may be, I know you're in a much better place.

Looking back, I'll never forget the days we spent in your Florida home... your attempts at teaching us to swim, the hours we spent together sharing our love for art and all of the talents that span our generations. I remember so well the times you would share stories and patiently repeat things as I tried to record our family history, and I will never forget when you and Poppop would take Nikki and I to the McDonalds with the "Play Place." I remember so proudly holding your hand as we went to Disney World so many times. I remember how much I loved looking through your old sketches and seeing pictures of you as a child and teenager. Your art was more beautiful than any I'd seen before, and the photos? You looked so much like Mom.

More recently, my dream came true when you and Poppop bought a condo here in Ohio just a minute or two from our house. It made visiting so easy, and I enjoyed it. Each time, the second you knew I had arrived, you'd come running out of your room in your nightgown and white socks, and sometimes your hair would be a mess and your TV headphones would be on, but without fail, each time your arms were open wide. You made me feel like I was the most honorable guest to ever grace your home even if I had already been there earlier in the day or the day before. But you did that for everyone I'm sure, that's just the beautiful woman you were. You had to make everyone feel special all the time, and you were all the more beautiful for it.

I loved each and every one of our dinners. You would always eat so slowly because you believed meals were for enjoying, for savoring. And each and every evening, after your last bite of food, you always had to have y our coffee. One last cup before we left. Also, you were always so kind to the waitress, and ever since I was a tiny girl, you would tell me that our server could be their family's sole provider and might barely be getting by. Then as Poppop would be occupied paying the bill and calculating the tip, you'd covertly slip a dollar or two underneath a coffee cup or plate so the server would later find an extra gift. Through things like this, you taught me compassion and helped me realize never to judge because we never, ever know what is behind some people's smiles.

Not only did you exemplify compassion and kindness, but you brought out many of my talents. You showed me to appreciate the beauty in everything and to see the best in everyone. You believed in me more than anyone else and encouraged me in every step I made. Just like all of your other children and grandchildren, you got so excited to hear of my accomplishments and new ventures. I know you wouldn't want me to feel sad like this, but my heart just aches so deeply when I think that you'll never see me accomplish two of life's biggest achievements... you'll never see me walk down the aisle, and you'll never meet your great-grandbabies. You'd be so, so proud. I'd be honored to get your expert opinion on colors, fabrics, and flowers for my wedding. You were amazing at things like that. Most of all though, you loved Jonathan so much, too, and my heart is so happy that you approved of my soulmate. And as for our children, you would be so, so excited - just like you were over your three grandchildren, Heather, my sister, and myself. I can just imagine you now... holding them and singing little songs. You'd read them stories and teach them to sew and paint. When I wasn't looking, you'd sneak them little treats before dinnertime. You'd probably keep a "secret craft drawer" at your house for them just like you did for me. I grieve so badly all of the things that will never be.

I'm so glad we lived our time to the fullest though... I do have that to hold onto. I will never forget how much you loved when I'd take you on your errands after our "dates" at the Olive Garden. That was both of our favorite restaurant. And last summer was full of our "dates." We have so many amazing memories, and while I'm so thankful, I can't deny how bad I'm yearning for those days once more.

Just a few months ago, after I helped you pack up your things for your winter in Florida, I gave you a huge hug with tears in my eyes. We always hated those goodbyes, but I'm sure that's what made the hellos in the springtime even more exciting. I just never, ever thought this goodbye would the last before the ultimate goodbye. Never. I was sure I'd see you in the spring, and I was already dreaming of the new memories we would make.

I'm grateful that I have no regrets and we both openly knew the bond we shared. I look back on your life and see that it was truly a full life and also a life full of beauty. Whether I like it or not, God knows best, so I must rest in knowing that it was indeed your time to go. The only thing that upsets me though - other than missing you - is wishing I could have been there when you went. Nana, I would have held your hand for that entire week and not left your side. I know you knew that though, and I know you understand I had to stay up in Ohio. I know exactly what you would have said if you could, "Now don't you worry about your Nana, hon. You have your studies and your health." Then you would have said, "You give your sister a big hug and kiss from Nana, and give Jonathan my love," I can just hear you now, "Take good care of things for your mother, okay, darlin'?" I miss that voice....

I'm so thankful that I did get one last chance to talk to you before you went home, and I'm holding so tightly to that. It was a week ago today. I told you how much I loved you over and over, and then I said, "It's okay Nana, you can go home now. It's okay." I know you heard me, and I know you knew how much I adored you. That gives me peace. And now? I like to think you're in heaven looking down on me. If you were here, I know you'd tell me to stop crying. You'd tell me that your pain is gone and you're waiting for me with Jesus. And as always, you'd say, "Now don't you worry about your Nana, hon." You always said that.

Just like last Sunday when I talked to you for the very last time, I know you can hear me now too. Some may not believe it, but I do. You're probably a little busy right now though... You loved beauty more than anything, and you could spend more time admiring the tiniest details than anyone I've ever known, so I'm sure you're still taking in the wonders of Heaven. I think you might be enjoying it just a little more than most people - if that's possible - because heaven is exquisite, or so I've heard. I imagine you're taking the time to carefully examine every single beautiful flower, to just sit and lay by the gates of pearls. You're admiring the streets of gold, too, aren't you Nana? Your mansion has to be breathtaking, I'm sure. I can't wait to see it - I can just imagine how how excited you'll be to show it to anyone up there who will let you. You'll invite them in with love and act like they are the most honorable guests ever because remember, that's just how you are. You probably have Great Nana's Pound Cake in the oven too, right? With whipped cream and strawberries on the top. Or some elaborate pie. Something. Because you never let your guests leave hungry. See, I really was listening all those years, Nana!

You taught me so much, and all I can do is think of you right now. My heart is aching. I am so happy for you, don't get me wrong, but this is the biggest void I've ever had to deal with. Nothing can fill it because you were just so wonderful and such a huge part of who I am and who I loved. But I know you'll be watching over our family, Nana, just as you were so good at doing here on earth. Look down from above and let me feel you here. I'll keep on living like the girl you taught me to be, and I hope I always make you proud. Thank you for every second you spent with me, every single word you spoke that helped make me who I am. Thank you for loving everyone and everything. You left such a beautiful legacy of living to brighten others' days through your kindness, your words, your smile, even your art.

Your beauty will continue to radiate on and on.

XOXO

I love you Nana.
Amanda
{your "Mandy Mine"}