Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Falling, fighting, flying… it’s kinda like that…
So fail. Be bad at things. Be embarrassed. Be afraid. Be vulnerable. Go out on a limb or two or twelve.
You will fall, and it will hurt
But
the farther you fall,
the higher you will rise
The higher you rise, the clearer your future becomes. Failure is a gift, welcome it. There are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances pass them by, why they didn’t take the roads less traveled. Those people aren’t you. You have front row seats to your own transformation and in transforming yourself, you might transform the world.
It will be electric,
and I promise it will be terrifying.
Embrace that;
embrace the new person you’re becoming.
This is your moment.
I promise you, it is now, not two minutes from now, not tomorrow, but really now. Own that, know that deep in your bones, go to sleep every night knowing that, wake up every morning remembering that,
and keep going.
{Jack & Bobby}
This is your moment. This is my moment. Every moment is all of our moments. So why is that so hard to remember sometimes?
Things had been getting harder and harder, but I'm a fighter. I was doing okay. Keeping on... Struggling, but okay. But then one thing led to another, and I got my mind onto the wrong things. I ruminated on my biggest fears and challenges. I reencountered some past memories and had to face a few things - good things - things people would normally be happy about - that stirred up deep grief in my heart. I questioned and I cried. I tossed and I turned. I went a few weeks without more than an hour or two of sleep each night. Everything was intensifying everything, and I was just dizzy with all the circles I'd been running inside my head. I got on this crazy ride that just wouldn't stop. Everything kind of went the craziest kind of crazy and, well, I had a pretty monumental nervous breakdown a few weeks ago. To say that I can't seem to find the way up would be an understatement. I'm trying though. Hard.
I'm exhausted, I'm bruised, and my scars have been re-opened. I know it's been a big combination of things, but I am in a million pieces right now. I'm frustrated I can't handle things. I'm the one who always handles things, you know? It's absolute madness around here right now. I need rest. I need answers. I just need a little bit of peace.
I'm so desperate for any kind of hope I can find, and when I find it, I hold on so tightly to keep myself from falling under once again. It's the same old story, I know. But who am I fooling? I refuse to fake a smile and paint you a picture of a life that has never been.
BUT...
He is here. He is listening. He is holding me. The God who calmed the sea with His voice, healed the crippled with his love, and raised the dead even when there was no hope. The Lord who bears the scars that should be ours, the one who saved His children in the furnace and the lions' den. Remember Him? Yes, that God. He's here. With me. With you.
But if we are so certain, then why is it so hard to remember? Why do the dark nights seem to dim out the only light we can hang onto?
*~*
Last week, I had a severely mentally handicapped patient who I sat with during my shift. He was restrained into his bed with the highest level of restraints a doctor can legally order, and he would continually go into fits of jerking and pulling. It broke my heart to see him so distressed. I tried his favorite shows, his favorite music - everything. He couldn't talk, and his cognitive functioning was so low, but I didn't give up. Finally, a thought came to me. I sat beside his bed and when he went into his fits the next time, I tried something that my mom used to do when I was sick as a little girl: I simply whispered the name of Jesus.
He instantly stopped struggling. For the rest of my time with him, each time he'd get distressed, I'd do it again. Without fail, each and every time, he would instantly quit struggling and lay back down.
That night really impacted me for a couple of ways. For one, it's amazing what the power of God can do if we just remember to come to Him. The enemy just doesn't stand a chance. Secondly, how many times are we struggling so badly, fighting way harder than we need to? My patient was fine - he had no obvious reason to be in that state of distress. Yet still he was hurting himself because he was convinced he had to struggle like that. Also, I think once he got going, he just kept fighting just to fight. Now who else does that sound like? Do you ever fight so hard that you're really hurting yourself, making things worse, but you don't even think to stop and remember the truth that you know deep inside? Yes, Newton's law of motion is true. An object in motion tends to stay in motion. Our minds can go nuts sometimes, and we convince ourselves that it's easier to just continue than to stop and turn around. Crazy. And to think we have that peace that passes understanding. Right here beside us. But just like anything else, it won't be of any use if we're too frantic to just stop and pick it up. The truth is so simple if we can just see it.
In His arms, there is no reason to battle or resist. It's just rest. And strength. And absolutely everything else we need.
That night really impacted me for a couple of ways. For one, it's amazing what the power of God can do if we just remember to come to Him. The enemy just doesn't stand a chance. Secondly, how many times are we struggling so badly, fighting way harder than we need to? My patient was fine - he had no obvious reason to be in that state of distress. Yet still he was hurting himself because he was convinced he had to struggle like that. Also, I think once he got going, he just kept fighting just to fight. Now who else does that sound like? Do you ever fight so hard that you're really hurting yourself, making things worse, but you don't even think to stop and remember the truth that you know deep inside? Yes, Newton's law of motion is true. An object in motion tends to stay in motion. Our minds can go nuts sometimes, and we convince ourselves that it's easier to just continue than to stop and turn around. Crazy. And to think we have that peace that passes understanding. Right here beside us. But just like anything else, it won't be of any use if we're too frantic to just stop and pick it up. The truth is so simple if we can just see it.
In His arms, there is no reason to battle or resist. It's just rest. And strength. And absolutely everything else we need.
Until we're strong enough to go again.
Lord, heal our hearts. So many of us are broken.
And despite it all?
We are so blessed.
WOW that’s amazing. I may just try that.
posted by Karin, RN on October 29, 2008 at 11:00pm
Great post, Amanda. I was just stopping by to tell you that I thought of you a couple of days ago. I had to take my over-zealous boyfriend to the hospital to get some stitches, and well, anyway, you and your blog post just crossed my mind.
So, I wasn’t expecting such a great read. I’m going through some similar, um “issues,” lately. Isn’t funny how sometimes you’re going through something and you come across a message that YOU’RE SURE was meant just for you? He works well that way!
posted by Meka on October 29, 2008 at 11:14pm
oopsie! there were a couple of typos there that i didn’t catch—oh well, you get it!
posted by Meka on October 29, 2008 at 11:15pm