Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A messy summer….

No, I did not disappear from the face of the earth for almost 2 weeks. I definitely feel like I have, and a few may vote that I should have, but I think I'm still here.

I need to vent....

Just for the record, taking 9 credit hours in the SUMMER is not something I recommend, nor is being officially diagnosed with narcolepsy (yeah, like can my life become any more of a joke right now??) and beginning aggressive medication therapy. Oh yes and starting a new job at the same time - at a hospital - a new job that lets me do less than I'm even allowed to do as a nursing student at school. But then again, I don't recommend living with panic disorder to anyone, plus all the other health problems - that's not fun. Then throw in the stress of getting ready for FALL semester. Plus the fact that I leave for Chicago the day after I finish my last summer class and come back the Wednesday before Fall semester begins. (That would be my parents' grand idea) Or how about the problem of one of my courses being 4 credit hours, 4 days a week, for 5 weeks, plus, too early in the morning for me to attend because of the narcolepsy and the new meds, so I'm doing really bad (not even saying how bad because I am a 3.8 student, and well, I might not even PASS this class, that's how bad it is) and I'm mad because I'm wasting my time trying to do well in a class I hate while I should be in my pool or resting or relaxing or giving myself some "me" time - after all, my therapist told me to. At this rate, I'm going no where fast and I'm going to be burnt out and flat on my face before I even graduate. My favorite professor always told me you can't take care of your patients if you don't take care of yourself. But if I was taking care of myself, I'd would have already taken that school hiatus I've talked about since Fall '07 (you know, after I got in the on-campus car wreck the SECOND week of school that caused me to almost have to take the semester off) so I'd be way delayed in taking care of my patients anyways. Not to mention my wedding would be postponed even further. Unless someone gave us a few hundred thousand dollars to pay for the cost of living until I was out of school. Right.

See, one day I'm going to look back on this and see how hard I had to fight for this and it's going to make it all the more worthwhile, but well, I'm not there yet so at the moment it's just frustrating. I live for my nursing classes and the rest, well, I learn what I can and try to make the most of it.... even classes like this stupid summer course and things like physiological chemistry and all those other classes I really wished would just go away!

So I've been crabby and whiny and mopey and in this stupid funk that I hate being in. I'm mad summer's almost over and I haven't done one single fun "summery" thing. Instead I've worked my butt off for what? Not too much. I'm only sicker and tireder (that looks so funny but it is a word!) than when it all started. I don't even have time to do normal things I'd usually otherwise do. Why? I'm studying like crazy so I don't have to retake this stupid summer class. And when I'm not studying, I'm feeling guilty about it. But deep inside I sort of hope I can take it in the fall instead, rearrange my other courses and let my overachiever self just deal with it because then I'll have a really light fall semester and maybe, just maybe, I'll get a little break from all I've put myself through. I need to recharge my batteries. I want to be free to spend time with the people who count, to actually have time to finish a whole entire book that doesn't say "Eighth Edition" on the cover, to be able to go out to dinner with my grandparents, to have time to resurrect the hobbies that used to thrill me for hours and hours. I'm not a real grown-up yet. I refuse to be.

College is hard for anyone, so how I got this far is a miracle in itself - I should be thankful and proud. But at the same time? I'm a pusher. I'll stop for nothing and I know all too well that I'll be satisfied only when I decide I'm at the level I want to be. So here I am, ready to start year 4 (of 5 total), still running with it just as relentless as ever. I sure know my physical strength isn't going to put up with a full-time lifestyle in this field, but I know it's my calling so I'm chasing it, blindly trusting the words of the Lord in my heart.