Friday, February 19, 2010

Glorious

It's been so many days since I've written.  I've been sorting through parts and pieces of my life, reassembling some broken parts, throwing away of a few unusable things, adding a bunch of wonderful, graceful things, you know, just renovating a bit.  Using the bad to bring out some good.  And I finally believe the wings of this new and improved Amanda are finally ready to fly.  I like who I am now, and I feel like I'm so much more mature.  I know what I want.  Everything is so clear to me right now. Sure, I'm still struggling with a few things, but I learned how to leave them at the feet of Jesus. 

Speaking of the glorious... all week, I've been dwelling on this post by the fabulous Angie Smith (at another great blog you should check out, (In)Courage), entitled "The Glorious Hem."  Read, reflect, and rejoice.  We - despite our many, many flaws - are all wanted, and we will all be redeemed.  Nothing matters but what we have in store for us only by the grace of God.  May we press on, getting through the dirt we encounter all over this life, to finally meet our groom.  He knows us and wants us.  He is waiting for us with his promises to wipe away our tears and make all things new.  Glorious!

Todd and I seem to be in "Spring Cleaning" mode a little early this year.  In the past few days, we have started tackling some home projects that we have been putting off for awhile.  One of them (which I was DREADING) was cleaning out our closets.

I was dreading it for a few reasons, not the least of which was that there were some sassy pants in a size 2 that I knew God was calling me to surrender to the "in your dreams" pile. I decided I need to take some pressure off myself about losing all of my baby weight, so I was actually pretty liberal with my sorting this time around.

I was also dreading cleaning out the girl's closets because there were stacks of clothes that needed to be sorted by size and season, and different piles for people who have little girls I have been putting it off forever, so I committed the afternoon yesterday and set up shop in Kate's room. I turned on the radio and started reaching for the piles.

About a half hour later, I was in tears.

I hadn't expected it to be so mentally draining. I have mentioned this before, but I really feel like I see life in photographs...

I remember the outfit Ellie was wearing when she realized that the hose water was freezing, and about 2 seconds later when she taught Abby the same lesson the hard way.

I remember what Kate wore home from the hospital, and what blankie I first photographed her in.

I remember the bathing suit that Abby was wearing when she felt beach sand for the first time.

I remember the dresses the girls were wearing last Christmas, when I was a few months pregnant with a baby girl I thought was healthy.

I have one of our Christmas cards from last year and it is signed "Todd, Angie, Ellie, Abby, Kate and Baby Smith."

I grieved all over again, in a different way.  I grieved because I can't hold her in those sweet hand-me-downs while rocking her to sleep.  It seems like at this point, the hardest moments come in ways that are totally unexpected. I start to feel like I am doing really well, and then I get hit over the head with this queasy feeling of agony.

I sat on Kate's floor and dreamed of Audrey for awhile. I miss her so much, and I daily mourn the loss of the little moments of life I take for granted with the girls.

As I made my way into my closet, I felt so heavy with sadness. I started throwing my maternity clothes into a giant bag while I had a little "conversation" with God. It was pretty one-sided.

At least it was at first.

After a few minutes, I looked up and saw the bag that has my wedding dress in it. When I talk about "the Lord speaking to me," it is in a time like this, when I feel a prompting to do something and I know that it is coming from Him.  In this moment, I felt like I needed to unzip the bag.

It seemed a little odd, but I know Him well enough to know that I should just obey the urging and let Him guide me to where I am supposed to be.  I unzipped the bag and for a brief moment, my mind was consumed with the fact that I used to have a 21 inch waist, but then I remembered that the God of the Universe was speaking to me (clap, clap!) so I returned to a posture of listening.

I pulled the bottom of the dress out of the bag and the train came spilling out.  I spread it out on the ground and studied it as moments of my wedding day came to mind.  I started to relax and my eyes drifted to the edges of the train.  And I saw the most incredible, unexpected thing.

The hem of my gown is dirty. Really dirty.

And I know how it got that way. I walked down a church aisle, took photographs in the grass, and danced and ate my way to happiness.  I lived in it.

A few dresses down from my wedding gown is the dress I wore when we buried Audrey.  It is dirty as well, but not from happiness.  It is stained with fresh earth, wrinkled from kneeling by my daughter's grave.

And so I sat on my closet floor asking the Lord to show me why He had brought me here.  I closed my eyes and imagined the hem of my wedding gown as I danced with my new husband.

"... I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." -Revelation 21:2-5

I couldn't remember the whole scripture, but the words "You are the bride of Christ" came to mind. I suddenly had an image in my mind of myself in a glorious white gown that floated all around me.  A seemingly endless train chasing after me as I walked.

And then, Him.

I couldn't see Him in my mind, but I felt a great peace as I imagined my hands, clutching at fabric all around me so I could run to where He was.  I saw myself, falling before Him as my dirty gown settled all around me.

Dirty from the hurt and the disappointment.

Dirty from the dancing in joy.

Dirty from years of walking across a wet graveyard.

Dirty from loving deeply, richly, completely.

Dirty from the fears, the dreams, the sorrow, the confusion.

Dirty from the memories, the regrets, the mistakes, the injustice of this world.

Stained by this life I have walked while my Savior whispered, "One day I will wipe your tears, my sweet bride..."

What a glorious hem surrounds us all. It follows us wherever we go, gathering up pieces of this life in anticipation of the next.

And one day, I will bow to the King of Kings, and I will worship Him.

And as He wipes the tears from my eyes, I will ask Him the question that cannot be answered fully from a closet floor....Where is she, Lord?

And in the meantime, I will start to think of my days like a wedding photograph.  I will walk, veiled, down this long aisle, in breathless anticipation of the day that awaits me.

I will trust in the One Who will make all things new in His time.

I will keep my eyes on He Who waits for me.

I will.

Or rather, I do.

Angie Smith, Bring The Rain

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Anything but this

     Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn’t mean that you love them any less.  Sometimes it makes you love them even more.
          The Last Song movie

     It’s hard when you miss people, but you know, if you miss them, it means you’re lucky.  It means you had something special in your life, someone worth missing.  
          One Tree Hill 7.16

My hair stylist lost her husband to cancer last August.  It was a hard battle with a drawn out ending.  She hasn’t been the same since and probably won’t be.  Last week, I went in to get my hair done, and she stopped and looked at me, knowing what had happened since my mom had seen her the week before.  “It’s like this huge empty feeling right here, isn’t it?” as she stopped and pointed to somewhere between her stomach and her heart.  I nodded, holding back tears.  I didn’t have the courage to ask how long until that feeling fades away... if ever?

     I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed
     You don't know this now but there's some things that need to be said
     And it's all that I can hear, It's more than I can bare...

     What if I fall and hurt myself?
     Would you know how to fix me
     What if I went and lost myself?
     Would you know where to find me
     If I forgot who I am,
     Would you please remind me?
     Cause without you things go hazy
          Rosi Golan

2 weeks ago to this moment, January 30, 2010, my fiance (of 2.5+ years, boyfriend of nearly 5.5) and I broke the relationship.  

We bowed to what we knew was the plan of God, even though it was the hardest thing either of us have ever had to do.  

I cried to God, "Anything but this," and I meant it.  I've known sickness, I've known pain, I've known more than most.  And my continual cry was honest, yet my prayer unanswered.

     As for God, His way is perfect.
          Psalm 18.30

     Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.
          Psalm 23.4-5

     In the beginning, GOD.
          Genesis 1.1a

     Him that filleth all in all
          Ephesians 1.23b

We’ve been holding to the promises we know are true, trying to get through this, to the other side... whatever is over there, we don’t know.

     Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.
          Proverbs 3.5-6

     For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
          Isaiah 55.8-9

Right after that night, I made two lists - one of things I will miss, and one of things I won’t miss.  I realize the second might have been inappropriate, but it’s the only way I could formulate some kind of coping at that point in time.

These are the things which I ultimately ache to see, hear, or feel just one more time... I'd give all but my very soul to have these things just for one more second.   The things about you that I miss... The things you did that I’ll be forever so grateful for.  Reasons to miss you even more...  The things I will never forget.  Whatever you want to call it, this is my list.

We fit together like we were meant to be, and I really thought we were.  The grief is worse than losing anyone in death because you’re still alive, I’m still alive, and both of us have to figure out now how to live apart until we can live together again as friends.

You were my first love.  You carried and took care of me, stayed by me, held onto me.  You taught me the existence of love itself, in believing in things much greater than ourselves. You nurtured my growth, enabled my being. You gently tore down my unsurpassable, incorruptible walls. You taught me how to love.

No matter where we each end up, we will always be entwined into the innermost beings of each other. Growing together for a quarter of our lives has left undeniable, indelible marks on our souls. For that, I will always love you.

     Hear my cry, oh God - attend unto my prayer.  From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee.  When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy... I will trust covert of thy wings.  Selah.
          Psalm 61.1-4

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Through troubled times

When I'm alone and the light slowly fades
Cold with the night closing in
I know the shadow of almighty wings
Lord won't you send them again

Lord send your angels to watch over me
I'm so afraid of the dark
Lord send your angels to watch over me
Wrap me in sheltering arms
Shield me, Keep me
Hold me safe in your arms
Lord send your angels to watch over me
Wrap me in sheltering arms

Sometimes the child inside of me cries
With fears of the dangers unknown
And questions with answers I can't seem to find
Then you send your angels to me

Lord send your angels to watch over me
I'm so afraid of the dark
Lord send your angels to watch over me
Wrap me in sheltering arms
Shield me, Keep me
Hold me safe in your arms
Lord send your angels to watch over me
Wrap me in sheltering arms

-.-.-.-

The past week has been the worst week of my life, the deepest valley I've ever walked through, the hardest path of God's will I'll probably ever have to choose.  But, it's also been the week I've grown closest to our God.  If we lean on Him, through the troubled times, we can grow.  Even in the darkest night, grace and hope surround us.  As we cry out to God for that peace that passes all understanding, angels close in around us.  Then Jesus comes near, wraps his arms around us and says, "It's okay, dear child.  I am here.  Remember, my ways are higher than your ways.  Wait upon Me, and I'll renew your strength.  You'll mount up with wings like the eagles.  Just wait.  Trust in me, and I'll direct your paths."  Yes, waiting on and trusting in His plan can be so hard, so scary... but Jesus is love, and His word tells us that perfect love casts out all fear.  It's amazing the strength we can lean on, the mercy we have all around us.  Serving God can be so hard at times, but we know that He knows best, and He loves us, His children.  The Word says His plans for us are good and will give us hope. 

Angels, love, peace, strength, direction, grace, hope... how wonderfully our God provides.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Death is a funny, crazy, painful, long-time-coming but comes-too-fast kind of thing

Death.

I've known death for many years now, more than I can remember. 

Whenever someone at church passed away, Mom would dress her tiny girls in their little dresses, white tights, and black patent leather shoes.  She would do our hair really pretty, and then our family of four would head off to the funeral home. On the way, Mom and Dad would go over etiquette as if we had never known manners in our lives.  They just wanted to make sure we were on our "best behavior."  And we were.  We would hold their hands as we stood in line to see the body, and while Mom and Dad shared their regards, we would sweetly smile and return any hugs given to us.  As we walked out the room, we couldn't help but notice the people crying, the sadness, the atmosphere.  Though out the doors, it was easily forgotten.  Afterall, it was a sunny, beautiful day and we would go home and run through the sprinkler or play with our dolls.  Meanwhile, a family's world had been shaken upside down.

Years passed and we began to understand.

I think death is one of those things that you wish you never got old enough to really know...  And once you know it, you never forget when it strikes.

My aunt's mom, "Mrs. Coger" was like a grandma to me.  She came to all of our family events and had such a sweet spirit. She made me feel special, and I loved to talk to her.  I don't remember too much about her, but I do remember her love.  She always carried such a peace with her too...  She died on September 11th, 2001.  Her funeral was the first one I really remember, maybe because I absolutely lost it when I saw her in the casket, or maybe because I was old enough by then to realize what it meant.  Either way, I still miss her sweet spirit and gentle smile.

Then there was my parent's friend, we called him "Uncle Phil."  He got sick at my graduation party and we later found out it was multiple mylenoma.  For years, it slowly drained all the life out of him, and we were glad when his suffering ended. Yet even when he was in the worst pain, serving others was his priority.  I remember one time he had just finished a treatment and was sitting poolside with a hat on.  I was in the pool and my leg cramped up.  I didn't say anything, but he knew something was wrong.  I told him nothing was wrong, but as weak as he was, he got up and said, "Well I'm getting in anyways."  Thankfully, my leg released and I showed him as I told him to sit back down.  Then there was the time my doctor thought seeing an oncologist might help with my blood levels affected from my liver disease.  While I waited in the waiting room, alone, the door opened.  It was Phil.  First I was embarrassed for him to see me there, and then I felt awful because I knew how upset he'd be knowing I was seeing a blood/cancer doctor.  We said hello and he asked if everything was okay, and I told him it was.  Worrying about me was the last thing he needed, but it was probably the first thing he did.  Funny... we were all worrying about him.  It rained at his funeral, absolutely poured.  It was a cold, October day, and the wind and water chilled us to the bone.  My parents were out of town, and I went home to a lonely house.  I couldn't get warmed up no matter how many layers of clothes I put on, so I started the fire and sat and shivered until my little guys Bryce and Declan came over to go trick-or-treating.  While the fire crackled, I remember yelling at God for taking him.  Well, not for taking him but for letting him suffer so long before taking him.  But if someone, even one person, came to God from his life, then Phil would have wanted to die.  He was like that.  But either way, why the years of one of the worst, most ravenous types of cancer?  I hate myself for wanting to ask God that.

A decade or two ago, we gladly accepted Grandpa into our lives and shared baseball games, western movies, and fun family times... He didn't say much, but when he did, it was so funny.  We loved that guy... and just like that, lung cancer, and he was taken away. He died after a long fight in the hospital, and I won't forget the day they took his IV out.  My mind put the pieces together - no IV meant no hydration, nutrition, no IV meds... I'm not one to break down in public, but that's when I finally believed Grandpa was going to die.  My grandma held me in the hospital hallway for what felt like an hour as I just sobbed and sobbed.  Grandpa still lived for weeks after that, though.  Our family stood guard on the oncology wing of the hospital, sharing all kinds of shifts, for weeks.  The docors didn't know what he was holding on for, and we never found out.  Completely not expecting it, I got the news that he was going fast while I was in Anatomy & Physiology class. I remember driving to the hospital begging God to let me see him one more time.  I finally arrived, parked, ran inside the hospital, ran to the elevators, ran to his room, and there was my whole family. My Uncle shook his head as his eyes met mine.  He was gone.  I looked at Grandma and the only empty seat in the room was beside her, so I sat down.  We embraced.  I then noticed Grandma was holding his hand like she wouldn't let go.  A few minutes passed and just like that, she got a disgusted look on her face, turned to me and said, "He's cold."  She got up and left.  That was it.  Grandpa was gone.

Then there was a girl at church just a little older than me.  She had the same name as me, and although I never really knew her, I was well aware of what we shared in common.  I'd watched her my entire life.  She had cystic fibrosis and always inspired me by coming to church even when I saw the pain swelling up in her eyes. She always wore a black dress suit... I'll never forget that.  She was in so much pain, yet she wanted to look nice for God's house.  She was beautiful for that.  Watching her battle with CF was awful.  It was up and down, up and down for years, and of course, she eventually had to succumb to it.  I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news (Muppet Vision 3D in Disney World, last May) and I cried.  When I saw her in the casket, I cried again.  That could have been me.  I thanked God for ending her pain and realized yet again how fragile life is.  And then I asked God why he took her, too, like Phil.  While He let them suffer for years before taking them.  If it's our time to die, okay, I get that.  But then why does it sometimes come with the most tragic, painful, atrocious sufferings the world has to offer?  Why doesn't God stop it?  I know He can.  But as I said, I hate myself for even questioning Him on it.  The Word says, His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts higher than ours.

And I remember my precious Nana died almost a year ago to the date.  January 28, 2009. Maybe a year prior, we were out to lunch (like we always did) and while she was going on about her aches and pains, she addressed death for the first time in front of me.  She said it'd be easier than being the old lady she was, with all of her problems.  I interrupted her and told her to stop.  I said, "Nana, you are not going to die.  Don't you want to see me walk down the aisle?  Don't you want to hold your great grandbabies?"  That stopped her for a little while, but I guess it was just her time to go.  Nana & Poppop are "snowbirds" so when they went down to Florida in October 2008, never in a million years would I think Poppop would come home early - with Nana in a casket.  In fact, the thought of it now even makes me sick.  I had the relationship with my Nana that most people can only dream of.  I won't write too much here since I have pages and pages of memories on earlier posts, but she was one of my favorite people in the world.  She got me, and I got her.  She took pride in teaching her "Mandy Mine" a good portion of everything I know.  She was classy, beautiful, and loving.  Now, approaching the anniversary of her death, it takes my breath away to see my mom missing her so badly because I'm sure her very own daughter would miss her more than her granddaughter - and I miss her like the going-to-vomit can't-stop-crying take-the-pain-away type missing.  It's been a year, and although it doesn't feel as overbearing, it hasn't lost its entire heaviness, and it definitely hurts like crazy.  Her life was a big one in every way, and there is no way any of it is going to be forgotten anytime soon.  I still cry for her so hard I feel like my stomach will come up through my mouth - death is hard.  But thank God, I know I'll see her again someday. I can't wait, I really can't.

Then last night, less than 24 hours ago, God took a friend of mine.  His name was Gregory, and his sister was Leslie.  They moved here from Chicago and we went to church together.  Our families became friends, and then in the beginnig part of 2008, the doctors found out Greg had a brain tumor.  He went from worse to miraculously better to spiraling downhill fast.  His parents, sister, and various friends from church stayed at his bedside every day of these last years.  Yes, a lot of us from Akron went to Chicago just to cheer up a friend.  That's the good kind of friendship, I'm sure of it.  A bunch of his Ohio friends even surprised him with a party in Chicago (that made the news!) for his 20th birthday.  But now he's gone, and again, we are wondering why he was in such constant suffering only to die.  I know he's enjoying heaven, and although I'm not feeling my best right now, I know I need to go be with his family in Chicago.  Friends get each other through stuff like this.  Friends and God.  There will be so much of both this coming weekend, I'm sure.

And to think this is all just a normal part of this crazy miracle called life...

To be free

The Notebook is on TV tonight.  We have it on DVD, but for some reason watching it on TV is good, too.  It's one of my favorite stories - boy meets girl, dad says girl too good for boy, boy and girl split up, think about each other forever... until they meet again and fall back in love.  Something like that.

But anyways, for some reason I liked this scene tonight...

"Say I'm a bird!" 

To feel that free.  To dance around in the water, making no sense at all, and enjoying every minute of it.  Wanting everyone else to join in and experience what you're feeling.  Free.

I don't feel free right now.  I feel chained down to a degree I'm resultingly becoming apathetic towards, chained down to some place a thousand miles from my comfort zone, forced to throw every free moment or feeling of freedom far away.  I feel chained down to a relationship that should be deeper, and would be deeper, farther, if it weren't for us being chained down.  Rules, regulations, traditions, status quos.  Complete crap if you ask me.  Why can't I get this degree on my time?  Why am I "late," "slow," when really this is the best I can do?  Why can't the truest, deepest love produce cash, securities, and benefits?  Why can't unsurpassable, deep, yearning love equal marriage, true togetherness?  Why is it all about money?  Jobs.  Obligations.  And why do other people have to be so opinionated?  Why do we tread carefully, trying not to let our loved ones down?  Why do strangers look at us with confused eyes?  I'd perform better for them, for me, for us, if I wasn't chained down.  If I was free.  Like a bird, like a butterfly, like a dream. 

Oh, to be free...

Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Year In Review :: 2009

Reflecting...

Just continuing the tradition...

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Got dumped.

2. What are your New Years Resolutions?
To try harder when it matters, to forget about it when it doesn't

3. Did anyone close to you give birth in 2009?
Mom of my nanny girl, now my nanny GIRLS :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Nana - just a few months after I told her she needed to live long enough to see her great-grandbabies

5. What countries did you visit?
Stayed here. Too busy with school to go anywhere but Disney in May and Florida earlier in the spring to go through Nana's things

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
My fiance to be my husband

7. What date(s) in 2009 will remain etched in your memory and why?
The day my Nana died. Also the night I had the nervous breakdown where my mom cried on my bed with me until my fiance left his prescheduled event to come hold me. Taking my baby sister to see Taylor Swift - floor seats!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Completing an entire semester of clinicals (fall) and standing up to a ridiculous professor, being a nanny

9. What was your biggest failure of 2009?
Not pushing myself to take clinicals in the spring

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
The exact same illnesses, thank God no new injuries. Definitely a few more panic attacks and nervous breakdowns than last year though.

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
A Pandora bracelet with charms & a book of my blog

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Every/Anyone who gets out of the bed in the morning and gives the day their best effort

13. Whose behavior appalled and depressed you?
Someone I definitely didn't expect and ironically, one of his/her relatives

14. Where did most of your money go?
Expensive indulgences like my new TV/blu-ray, new Pottery Barn bedding, tons of pedicures, sponsoring Julenia in Nicaragua

15. What did you get really, really excited about?
Going to Disney World! (We'd been there 20-30 times before, but my sister (19) and I (21) year old run around the parks like we had never in a million years imagined it would ever be so magical! Ahh, Disney.

16. What song(s) reminds you of 2009?
I hate to say it, but I didn't lisent to too much music this year, I still had my "Song kicks" where I'd listen to a song over and over until I got sick of it, but nothing that stands out in my mind.

17. Compared to last year are you...
a.) Happier or Sadder? Sadder
b.) Thinner or Fatter? Fatter (but last year I lost an insane amount of weight from a medication, so it's a "good" fatter!)
c.) Richer or Poorer? Richer (but money doesn't provide happiness)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Breathe

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Mental and emotional fighting

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my fiance and I's million sides of family

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
More and more every day

22. How many one night stands did you have?
I belong to someone else, so that's not an option.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy, Friday Night Lights, One Tree Hill, The Office, Private Practice...

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't this time last year?
No

25. What was the best book you read?
The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan, a memoir that will change any woman's perspective on life

26. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I turned 22. And no idea. Babysat? Went out to dinner? I really don't remember.

27. What was your best musical discovery?
Nothing in particular. Definitely listened to too much Baby Songs, Disney and Hannah Montana!!

28. What did you want and get?
See #11

29. What was your favorite film of the year?
My Sister's Keeper, the Time Traveler's Wife

30. What did you want and not get?
Married

31. What one thing would've made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being married to Jonathan

32. How would you describe your fashion concept for 2009?
Black or brown lounge pants/capris. Loves it!

33. What kept you sane?
My mom and fiance. My best friend. Loads of Ativan. God.

34. Which celebrity or public figure did you admire most?
Sarah Palin

35. What political issue stirred you most?
Healthcare reform

36. Who/what do you miss?
My Nana and my naivety

37. Who was the best new person you met?
My OB clinical instructor

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned.
No matter how hard you try for anything, it's never enough. And at this point on my journey, I can't quite figure out why.
Another lesson is by nannying, I am reminded every single day of the precious innocence of children and the huge miracles they are.
Nursing, although I'm fighting every part of my being to get there, is an honorable lifestyle, not a simple career.  At the end of the day, there's nothing like seeing you helped make a human being better or they say you gave them a good day just by your smile.  Nothing like that in the world.

39. Quote a song line that defines your year.
I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
(It's a quarter past one and I'm all alone and
I need you now.
I said I wouldn't call
but I've lost all control
and I need you now) - Lady Antebellum

So that's that. 
After I filled it all out, over at (InCourage), I found these 20 questions that I think I like better. 
These may just be my new tradition.  They're much more introspective, don't you think?.

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
I'm 2 clinicals closer to graduating!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Losing my precious Nana, ignoring my illnesses and disabilities to go back to school after my year-long hiatus, losing someone at church who always inspired me to hope and try, almost losing the person who I thought - of everyone in the entire world -would always be here forever.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
Finally finding a nanny family who treats me like I'm part of the family; I adore spending days with those precious girls

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?
Wrecking my car driving an hour up to clinicals - I was half asleep and some guy side-swiped me.  Or something.  I don't exactly remember.  I ran over our brick mailbox that morning, too.  It really was a bad day.  But that's what you get when you force a narcoleptic to live outside her means.

5. Pick three words to describe 2009.
Hard. Surprises. Changes.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).
Hard. School. Nervous.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking).
Same. Growing. Trying.

8. What were the best books you read this year?
The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan, and My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult was pretty good too

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
My mom, sister, fiance, best friend & nanny girls

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
Deciding to finish school ASAP so we can get married.  I don't care if it almost kills me.  I now know I'm going to have to take charge of the situation and physically endanger myself to get the dream of me and the one I love.  I took spring '09 off from school, so this idea has been evolving for months.  I, of all people, a nurse, should know my health comes first, but I refuse to believe it when there's something so huge out there.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
I can handle stressful situations a little bit better using my "toolbox," but on the other hand I'm also more prone to nervous breakdowns and panic attacks for some reason.  I learned to survive someone's death I previously thought would kill me, so my emotions definitely grow as I still learn to live without her.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
Trusting God more, talking to Him more.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
I learned short hair is the only way to get through nursing school and nannying and the insane life that surrounds each.  But it's cute, so I'm happy.  :)

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
I'm closer with my mom, sister, fiance, and fiance's sister.

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?
Decorating!

16. What was your most challenging area of home management?
Sometimes the dogs, lol  Or if I was my mom, I'd have cut off my dad's feet by now for all the times he tracks his nasty, muddy shoes ALL over the house.  The hardwood gets soaked and then after he's on the carpet long enough, I guess they dry on their own.  Disgusting.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
Worrying

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
Working on my nursing degree, loving God, loving my fiance, loving my friends and family

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?
Nothing is ever enough.  Children are precious.  Days are short.  Fight for what matters. 

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you.
Glad it's over. And regarding 2010?  I sure am praying for a better year - one with clearer paths, more evidence of an impending marriage, nearly completing my education... and maybe, just maybe, a few more good things.  :)

Lord, as this New Year begins, We come to you and ask for your blessing. We pray that you would give us joy to fill our days and peace to fill our hearts and love to fill our lives. Thank you for the plans you have for us in the New Year.  Thank you for promising to be with us every step of the way.