prayer
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
John Waller
He giveth power to the faint, and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youth shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40.28-31
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
Wait? you say wait? my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait.
Russell Kelfer, 1980
The softest things in the world
May be harder than the hardest.
Soft water can go through the strongest wall.
Knowing this, I know the value of calm.
Knowing this, I know the value of patience.
Knowing ths, I know the value of persistence.
. . . . . . . . . . . .Lao Tzu . . . . . . . . . . . .
Most days, I'm trying to practice the calm, while every day, I pray to God for patience and watch as it takes me through, and every day I wake up with persistence - a firm belief that I will do a anything in my power to make this a great day, to make healthy choices, and accept the things I cannot change.
This persisting thing can get pretty tricky, but if you want to keep your soul, heart, mind, or body, you have to keep your guard up and fight to protect it all. Do whatever it takes, you know?
Life's been rough lately. Finals just ended (I think I got an A in all 3 classes! Awesome for the GPA!) And now, everything in the world is going on plus now, big news, the possibility of starting clinicals in the fall (after a year long hiatus!)
Today I'm going to see Dr. Mazanec, a new doctor (just what I need, right?) who is supposedly the best doctor up at Cleveland Clinic for my specific back problems. Yes, I have my pain management doctor, but over time, it seems to be getting worse. I'd like to just get it better so "pain management" (muscle relaxers and opiods, trying to schedule physical therapy in around school) isn't needed AS much, because right now, it's out of control. My doctor does a great job at giving me the tools to manage the pain, but how about just getting rid of the pain? Well we'll see what the doctor says tomorrow. Then I have an ultrasound because of a big spot on my kidney that they "accidentally" found while doing liver scans. My specialist thinks it's a shadow, but we're going to check to make sure. Then I'm secretly hoping inside we'll have time between the two appointments to get lunch at the cafeteria! Cleveland Clinic has great food, or at least as far as I'm concerned. Oh, and their cookies are to die for!! (Make a mental note in case you're ever there!)
Looking ahead, especially if the clinicals work out, I have not the faintest clue of how I'm going to keep seeing all of my doctors since for one, they're all an hour away, and for two, I'll be in classes, clinicals, and nannying the other days. Plus add in things like massotherapy, physical therapy, and - starting on Friday - acupuncture. I know MY health comes first if I ever want to be a nurse, so I'm determined to take the best care of me while still being up to taking my nursing courses. I think that's easier said than done, but I miss my patients all the time so my heart knows where it needs to be. I just need practicality and logic to catch up with that heart. :) I have big dreams, people, and just because I have more diseases than you have fingers, that doesn't mean I won't achieve them. Might take me longer, and I might work harder than most, but I'll get there. You watch.
This week is a ton of crammed-in plans and events and appointments and then Monday evening begins my Genetics course and 2 online courses (am I trying to kill myself again?) plus whatever nursing I can squeeze into my schedule at this point. (But for sure, for sure clinical for 2nd half of semester.) But back to Genetics... I've been putting it off so long that I decided to make myself take it. I'm not excited about it at all, especially since it's an evening class. Yuck. All by Monday, I'm getting books for Nikki and I, organizing parking, schedules, all that fun stuff, AND I'm trying (semi-successfully) to remember to take my meds, get my rest, and try not to get stressed. (Stress = muscles tighten = back hurts BAD. I currently have something in my neck and haven't been able to move it to the left for 3 days now!)
Craaaaaziness! Thankfully my mom is awesome and is so excited about me going back to clinicals. She promised she'd help me with anything I need which helps so much because right now my room is a disaster, I've needed to do laundry for a few weeks now, I need to change the sheets on my bed.... you know, just little stuff that busy people can't seem to ever fit in.
So I'm busy, but blessed.
God give us patience today. Give us calm. Give us persistence. We'll keep on going even though the path looks cloudy up ahead.
Be blessed.
Today I took 3 naps and got a few little things done. Yesterday I had 2 doctors appointments, slept an hour each way for one of them and then came home and slept some more. I was nauseous and just felt blah all over, but that's how it's been lately.
One of my appointments was with my liver specialist, Dr. Hupertz. When going over my consistent symptoms and inability to do much of anything, I told her that I'm to the point where I'm bored out of my mind. I want to do so much, but my body just won't let me. She told me that was normal, and while sympathizing with me, she pretty much told me that this is how it's going to be. This is progressing liver disease. Frustrating, random, painful, exhausting. This is my life. This is how it's going to be until I get a new liver.
Then on my way out, Dr. Hupertz reminded me to call her after hours anytime I was beginning to show one of the things I know to look for, and to call 9-1-1 if I come up with a few major symptomatic events that I again know all too well to watch for. (Most of which involve Life Flight, surgery, and all that good stuff.) I told her not to worry - we were already good at being cautious, and anyways, my mom is way too scared to let something just slide by. I was surprised when she looked at me, paused, and said, "Well I don't blame her."
It's wonderful to have a doctor who is a mom, too.
So with that, I was reminded of the movie My Sister's Keeper. I asked if she had seen it, and she hadn't, so I told her about it. I explained how it painted a moving picture of exactly how a child's illness can ravage a family. I told her how well it shows how the family unit grows, copes, and hurts. She asked if the movie ruins the book, and I told her how I was scared of that but was pleasantly surprised what the producers did with the material. She said she's going to go see it.
In another pile are her baby pictures - all taken when she was three, or younger. Gap-toothed a grinning, backlit by a sloe-eyed sun, unaware of what was to come. "I don't remember being her," Kate says quietly, and these first words make a bridge of glass, one that shifts beneaath my feet as I step into the room.
I put my hand beside hers, at the edge of one photo. Bent at a corner, it shows Kate as a toddler being tossed into the air by Brian, her hair flying behind her, her arms and legs starfish-splayed, certain beyond a doubt that when she fell to earth again, there would be a safe landing, sure that she deserved nothing less.
"She was beautiful," Kate adds, and with her pinky she strokes the glossy vivid cheek of the girl none of us ever got to know.
Sara, p322, My Sister's Keeper, Jodi Picoult
There's nothing in the world like a doctor who cares, a doctor who hurts inside when she has to tell a patient, "This is how life is going to be. You are going to be bored, frustrated, achey, and in pain sometimes. This is normal for you now. This is all your liver," with the words "I'm sorry" radiating from her eyes.
It feels good to find a reason for this exhausted life I'm living, but it also frustrates me even more because even though I know the cause, there's nothing in the world I can do about it.
Father God,
Give me peace and strength, gratitude and understanding.
Use this time to teach me, guide me, and reveal your light.
Let me be an instrument to bless others,
to show them of your mercy and grace.
Help me to get through another day.
I was so relieved when 2006 ended. I just knew 2007 would be better.
I was wrong.
I decided to give hope a chance, and at the close of 2007, I decided 2008 was going to be better.
Once again, I was wrong.
Each year gets harder. I get older, and I face newer problems as my old problems worsen. The new exacerbates the old, the old exacerbates the new, and right now? I'm in the craziest state I think I've ever been in. I'm tired. I'm beaten down. I'm wondering how much more I can handle.
But once again, I'm giving hope a chance.
2009 will be better. It will, it just will.
Life is what we make it. It's about what we do with our circumstances and whether or not we choose to prevail. We can't control much, but we must be determined to do the best with what we do have control over. And we must be determined to remember that we're stronger than we think we are, and above all, an incomprehensible strength is holding us up while our wings are mending.
So, closing a year full of heartache and joy, new life and goodbyes, renewed strength and unexpected defeats, here's to 2008 and, amazingly, here is a bright hope for 2009.
We can do this.
Embrace your memories, the good and the bad. They help shape who we are.
Learn from mistakes,
grow from hardships, and
proceed with your chin up and your mangled soul
encouraged.
Break down the walls that are you think are keeping the horror out. Yes, they might be serving your purpose well, but do you realize how much
goodness and joy lies right behind them? Bad isn't as bad when you have extra good on your side. :)
So lean on God, lean on your friends and family, hold tight onto hope - as meager as it may be - and believe in yourself. Believe in love. Believe in life.
Welcome, 2009
*~*
O Love beyond Compare,
Thou art good when thou givest,
when thou takest away,
when the sun shines upon me,
when night gathers over me.
Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world,
and in love didst redeem my soul;
Thou dost love me still,
in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.
Thy goodness has been with me another year,
leading me through a twisting wilderness,
in retreat helping me to advance,
when beaten back making sure headway.
Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;
I hoist sail and draw up anchor,
With thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past.
I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.
If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation,
< span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);"> thou wilt be with me in them;
If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation,
I shall not drown;
If I am to die,
I shall see thy face the sooner;
If a painful end is to be my lot,
grant me grace that my faith fail not;
If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,
I can make no stipulation;
Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,
as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.
{Puritan prayer}
I love this...
Let me do my work each day;
and if the darkened hours of despair overcome me,
may I not forget the strength that comforted me
in the desolation of other times.
May I still remember the bright hours that found me
walking over the silent hills of my childhood,
or dreaming on the margin of a quiet river
when a light glowed within me, and I promised my early God
to have courage amid the tempests of the changing years.
Spare me from bitterness and
from the sharp passions of unguarded moments.
May I not forget that poverty and riches are of the spirit.
Though the world knows me not, may my thoughts and actions be
such as shall keep me friendly with myself.
Lift up my eyes from the earth
and let me not forget the uses of the stars.
Forbid that I should judge others lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow the clamor of the world,
but walk calmly in my path.
Give me a few friends who will love me for what I am;
and keep ever burning before my vagrant steps
the kindly light of hope.
And though age and infirmity overtake me,
and I come not within sight of the castle of my dreams,
teach me still to be thankful for life,
and for time's olden memories that are good and sweet;
and may the evening's twilight find me gentle still.
Max Ehrmann
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