It was going so, so well until Fall '08 when I was rear-ended on campus.
Simply put, things spun out of control. Although it was hard, I decided to continue on schedule in the Spring of 2008, and looking back at the end of that semester, I was thriving. Physically, not so much, but I was doing fabulous in the Nursing program, making connections, making a difference, and it felt great.
At the end of the semester, I started interviewing for a Student Nurse Technician position, which I landed at a local city hospital. I don't remember much about that time, but I do know that I would have never guessed I wouldn't come back to campus for over a year after leaving it that spring.
For fall semester, I took Human Physiology at a regional campus in the evenings as I needed that to continue my clinicals and because of my continuing health problems, I struggled with the morning class in the summer and therefore dropped it. I struggled with it in the fall, too, again due to health, but I did eventually get through just fine.
Fall and winter showed increased health obstacles, so during the spring, I took an online course instead of clinicals, Health Care Policy, which I loved.
This Summer began, and I met with my Student Accessibility Services coordinator about special accommodations I would need if I were to restart my clinicals. I figured surely I'd be better by the end of summer, and I got everything all set for restarting them in the Fall. I even added them into my schedule.
When Summer was quickly passing and I was still facing health problems and two separate litigations, I questioned the practicality of my decision to return back to school in a degree track that knows no mercy. I obtained a "second opinion" on my sleep disorder, and after we made zero progress on that front, that's when I started to worry.
I decided to add a 2nd major (in addition to Nursing), Integrated Health Science with a focus in Health Services. A lot of the required courses would transfer from nursing, and the additional courses are within my scope of interest and the degree would be a nice addition into with my nursing career path. I took three online courses this summer, all for the new major - Health Introduction, Human Sexuality, and Sociology of Health and Health Systems - and I did well in all of them.
Meanwhile, Summer was nearing to a close, and I was just getting ready to schedule another round of physical therapy and my first round of acupuncture. Physically, I wasn't doing much, if any, better.
Any time I'd consider my re-entry back to Nursing, I had always thought of it to be a positive experience. I would be certain of my decision, I would be feeling better on all fronts, and I would be convinced it was the right time. This was not "the" time, so I decided it would be best to swap my nursing clinical courses for a few others in my IHS degree program. I was happy to find a great mix of four courses, and I was very pleased with my new fall schedule.
Then came last Saturday. I had off from babysitting, and I can't quite remember what sparked the idea, but I decided to look in our course program online. One thing led to another, and the end result was that my schedule now had clinicals back on it, swapping out the IHS courses and adding in a huge venture I honestly hadn't thought out.
I was very proud of what I did.
Until I thought about it.
Of course, I was going to go back to nursing school, but the condition was only once I felt physically up to it. I was going to make the decision before I ever went back, and I was going to have an entire summer to study, prepare, and just mentally get used to the idea. I was going to be confident with the progress of my sleeping disorder, back problems, and fatigue levels. Like I said a second ago, it was going to be "the" time. I was going to be convinced I was up to it.
Right now, if I had to be black or white on the subject, I'd definitely be closer to doubting my ability than being sure of it.
But hear me out....
I have a semester filled with two clinical courses, each comprised of a 4-hour lecture and a 10-hour clinical, one being in Cleveland. All said events are first thing in the morning, and we're not even discussing how early I have to get up for the clinical rotations. I'm talking hours before sunrise. Hours. I'm not lazy, but I was clinically diagnosed with narcolepsy (the validity could be disputed, but that's the diagnosis...) and as a result, will have to not only hear an alarm to get up, but I will have to take a major stimulant upon waking up if there is any hope of me staying up. The said stimulant makes me shaky, nauseous, tired (but not sleepy), and pretty much enables my body to stay awake while just feeling like a zombie. It's forced wakefulness. It triggers migraines and also anxiety, and I get a panic attack probably half of all the days I take it. (I only take it when I absolutely have to.) It is my most dreaded medication of all, and that's saying something. I have allergic reactions to all similar drugs except for a few newer drugs that I actually get no effect from whatsoever. So bottom line, to stay awake through an early morning lecture or all day clinical, it's all any doctor has for me, and it makes my life miserable.
Then there is my back. I have fibromyalgia, and at the end of a few hours of any activity whatsoever, I usually need a pain patch, a heating pad, a massotherapy session, a Percocet, or a muscle relaxer. When I worked as a nurse technician, 8-hour shifts put me in so much pain that I was on 4-hour shifts when I eventually went on medical leave. I saw an actual back specialist last week (in addition to my pain specialist who treats my fibromyalgia-related back pain) and have yet to hear anything on that. But the physical therapy and acupuncture I was going to start are no longer in the plans since I won't have time if I'm taking my courses and nannying.
In fact, I probably won't get to see my most important specialist while in school since she's now only seeing patients 2 days/week, and of course, they're the two days I'm busy all day.
But back on topic...
I can't forget about that little thing called "end-stage liver disease." Just those words enough usually grant any get-out-of-jail-free pass I'd ever need. And technically, because of my weakened immune system and excessive fatigue, I shouldn't be working in the hospital anyways. One bad germ and that's it for me.
With all this against me though, it's sort of like it makes me want to try harder. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, yes - that, too - but then I think to myself, "No one is making you do this." It's my choice. Completely, totally my choice.
So then I curiously try to attempt to pinpoint why I'm even trying? Afterall, it was my favorite nursing professor who told me years ago, "Amanda, what kind of a nurse are you if you can't first take care of yourself?"
Well, because I want to get married. That's why. I want to get a good job (or not... because I can't even work 4-hour shifts, remember?) and get good insurance so that Jonathan and I can get married. I want to do something big. And yes, maybe a "wrong reason," but I want to prove a few people wrong and make a few other people really, really proud. I don't want to let down myself anymore. I don't want to let down everyone who is rooting for me... every day I find out it was a few more than I ever thought.
I don't know what I'm going to end up doing. My nerves are out of control just thinking about it - as hard as I try not to. (Mannn, am I trying not to!) I really, really hope I at least try. I need to give it a try so that way, I'll never be able to say I didn't at least give it my all. I believe with all of my heart that not trying is worse than trying and failing. I just don't know if I'm even strong enough to try yet... I guess I can fool myself and pretend I am - that has to last a few days at least!
Once again, we have more decisions in this complicated crazy life... the kind that don't have right or wrong answers. The kind I'm quite frankly getting sick of.
Until I change my mind again.... how about you can count me a few extra times in your prayers as lose all of my control and wholeheartedly jump right in and give it a try.
But is trying really losing control? Or gaining it?
The gate is wide The road is paved to moderation The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in Welcome to the middle ground It's safe and sound and Until now it's where I've been
Cuz it's been fear That ties me down to everything But it's been love, Your love That cuts the strings
So long, status quo I think I've just let go You make me wanna be brave The way it always was It's no longer good enough You make me wanna be brave Brave, brave
I am small And I speak when I'm spoken to But I am willing to risk it all To say Your name Just Your name, and I'm ready to go Even ready to fall
Wided-eyed Take this fowl compromise Why did I Try to keep it all inside
I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame And every storm will start with just a drop of rain But if You believe in me That changes everything
I love each and every one of you, my readers. In particular, a few have really taken the time to make my day lately and a few of you were sneaky enough to leave no way of reaching you. So please, wherever you are, I hope you find this post and realize how you've touched my heart. I don't take any of my readers - visible or invisible - for granted. Thank you for sharing your hopes, dreams, stories, jokes, links, and experiences. You are precious.
To "Mon B", my "lurker" :) ...
Hey Amanda, this is a totally random comment, but I came across your blog in the same fashion (totally random). I’ve been reading your entries off and on for over a year now and just wanted to tell you that even though we don’t know each other, you’ve been such an encouragement! I started nursing school this past August and there have been many, many time that I wanted to quit but during a few of those times, I’d come across one of your posts and your passion/desire (which is obviously evident in these entries!) has helped push me along too.I hope the most amazingly best for you and pray that God would continue to use you to be a light to those around you (even in the virtual world :P), that He would strengthen you and heal you physically, that He would continue to instill your passion for nursing and your passion to change the world. Thanks for being transparent, and thanks for being real. You seem like such an amazing individual and I know you probably leave a lasting impression on the lives of people around you. :)
When I was in Disney, we rode the Jungle Cruise ride, and I posted the video on YouTube. Apparently our guide, Sara's, mom found it, found my blog, and posted a sweet hello. She has a pretty cool daughter. ;-)
To Kristina, my longtime blogger/etsy friend... She's always here through thick and thin. I love you, friend. Thank you for this:
Amanda, You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank YOU for sharing. Now, that you are one of the strongest and most inspiring people I’ve ever met :)
To Jenn, who always has a sweet word and a Scripture for me. God put you in my life.
To Jonathan, my dear fiance, who is trying so hard to learn how to post comments. ;-)
To Heather, for the funnies, for being a pal, for being my cousin.
To my sister, who needs to learn how to drop by and say hello.
Those who have contacted me on Flickr, Twitter, here, email, whatever... saying you or a family member are inspired by my healthcare battles. Saying my posts make your day. Just saying hi. There's nothing like feeling so weak and then seeing how someone out there is gaining strength from your dark, messy parts. Nothing like it. A little light coming from the pitch dark. Amazing.
So thank you for reading. Please keep your stories coming. They touch my heart.
I'm in the National Society of Collegiate Scholars, or NSCS, and one of our community outreach projects was a penpal program. Completely voluntary, those of us who were interested were each paired with a 1st grader a few months ago. Every few weeks, we'd receive new letters from our kids, and our community outreach "leader" would deliver our letters to their school. Towards the end of the semester, we found out that the kids' school was hosting a penpal meetup reception, so the other week I got to meet the penpal I've been corresponding with this semester.
My penpal's name was Kiley, and we wrote about school, pets, siblings, favorite things to do, summer plans.... all kinds of things. Each of her letters had a drawing, as she told me she loved to draw. I loved being a mentor to her, and I could tell by her questions that I was making an impact on her life. I was so, so excited for the reception when I would meet her for the first time, but it was bittersweet since the penpal program would be ending for the year and I knew I may never talk to her again.
When I got there, Kiley's friends informed me that she was "absent" that day. I was so disappointed, but since most of our NSCS penpal program members didn't attend, I immediately gained a handful of "pretend" penpals. We shared cookies and juice, and their eyes lit up at each new thing I told them about myself. I got a kick out of hearing them tell me about about Hannah Montana and argue over who had the most Webkinz.
At the reception, both penpals and students got to receive their "pal's" last letter. Apparently, the kids had written theirs the day before, so I still got Kiley's. I was so upset when I read her words - she loved being my penpal, sorry she couldn't be there for the reception, and then, something that killed me inside - said she had a very hard life. A 1st grader. Distressed, I talked to her teacher about it, and apparently her parents were in the midst of a divorce.
I continued having fun with my "pretend" penpals, and while we were having our lighthearted discussions, one girl said, "Hey Kiley!" and the others turned their heads and echoed. I looked up and there was a little girl, ushered by her mom. I introduced myself and asked if she was Kiley __. She said yes, and I excitedly told her I was her penpal! I had her join us, and I could tell she was shy and maybe a little troubled so I escorted her up to the refreshment table and told her how excited I was to meet her. Apparently she had been at her Cleveland doctor's office all day in an appointment for her arthritis. Coupled with what her teacher told me, I immediately bonded further with her knowing she had a childhood illness just as I did at her age. I recalled all the days Mom would sign me out early and take me up to Cleveland. I remembered the loads of makeup work I'd have each time I had to go into the hospital. I showed Kiley so much love, and I was grateful in my heart that we were paired together, not believing it was pure coincidence.
Having a penpal for a semester was so rewarding, even more rewarding than I could have ever dreamed. The reception was so great because I got to finally meet her and share with her and her mother how I, too, had a chronic childhood illness. I got to encourage Kiley about her schooling, her life, her summer, and of course I listened with a smile when the other girls shared their dreams with me as well.
Children are so innocent yet so deep. They're full of lessons we could never learn in school, by reading a book, or from other adults. They hold it all inside their tiny precious hearts, little hearts the world has not yet completely ravaged.
It's an honor to know children, even more-so an honor to get to spend a May afternoon with my new friends.
... or forget about it until you're forced to face it... you know, when it hits your mom, your sister, your son, or your friend? It's your choice, but unless we face it now, we'll only have to face it harder later...
K guys... this is BIG:
Official press release:
Stand Up To Cancerwww.standup2cancer.org), a new initiative to raise philanthropic dollars for accelerating ground-breaking research, launches today through an unprecedented collaboration uniting the major television networks, entertainment industry executives, celebrities and prominent leaders in cancer research and patient advocacy. ABC, CBS and NBC will donate one hour of simultaneous commercial-free primetime for a nationally televised fundraising event to air on September 5, 2008 (8 pm EDT and PDT), aimed at rallying the public around the goal of ending cancer's reign as a leading cause of death.
..."For people struggling with this disease, or those who will be diagnosed, scientific breakthroughs can be a matter of life or death -- literally. We want everyone to know that they can make a difference in this fight," said [Katie] Couric. "Television is a notoriously competitive business. For the three major broadcast networks to join forces is a wonderful example of the power of working together, and we're very grateful to have the opportunity to reach people all over the country through this show."
"As a motion picture and television producer, I've learned how incredibly powerful these mediums can be in generating public discourse, sometimes almost overnight. Our goal with this initiative and TV show is to ‘tip' the conversation in this country about cancer – to get people riled up, so they want to do something about the fact that it still takes so many lives," said Laura Ziskin, who will produce the September 5th broadcast. Ziskin is a cancer survivor. Her film credits include the Spider-Man trilogy, As Good As It Gets, and Pretty Woman, and she also produced the 74th and 79th Annual Academy Awards.
The Stand Up To Cancer special will feature live performances by legendary recording artists and stars from film and television who will perform as well as present filmed content giving viewers insight into cancer. Various screening tests will be demonstrated in novel and entertaining ways. "Katie, Charlie and Brian will report on potentially life-saving research, speaking with both patients and scientists. We hope to entertain you, educate you, move and inspire you," Ziskin said.
Stand Up To Cancer (SU2C) is a program of the Entertainment Industry Foundation (EIF), a 501(c)(3) charitable organization, and was established by a group of media, entertainment and philanthropic leaders, whose lives have all been affected by cancer in significant ways. Stand Up To Cancer is bringing industry resources -- people, as well as mediums such as television and the web -- to bear in the fight against cancer as never before...
"The statistics are staggering," Gibson said. "Cancer claims one person every minute of every day in the United States. Every year in this country, it takes the lives of more than half a million people…worldwide, cancer kills more than six million people annually. There has been progress on both the research and awareness fronts; as a result, there are over ten million cancer survivors in the US today. More work urgently needs to be done so that more people will survive," he said.
...New developments in the laboratory are revealing the way cancer begins, progresses and spreads. Stand Up To Cancer is founded on the belief that now, more than ever, there is sufficient knowledge of the basic science of cancer, and that the technologies are finally available to translate this knowledge into real advances in treatment and prevention. Today's cancer scientists are on the verge of life-saving discoveries. But what they desperately need are the funds required to mount an all-out assault. Stand Up To Cancer is dedicated to providing this much needed new source of cancer research funding...
"Everyone in our country has been touched by cancer in some way, shape or form. The thought that we could, in one hour of television, make a true difference in the fight against this disease was both exciting and inspiring," Sweeney said.
"Television is a uniquely powerful medium and the networks joining forces offer an unparalleled opportunity to communicate loud and clear that we all have a stake in the fight against cancer," said Moonves. "Through the unity of broadcasters, entertainers and cancer groups alike, and the giving spirit of the audience at home, this television event has the potential to make a profound impact on our society's ability to understand and battle this terrible disease."
"We've gone to the moon and pioneered a technology that revolutionized the way the world communicates. Applying that same innovation and commitment, scientists are on the cusp of making enormous strides in their efforts to combat cancer, but they need additional funding to do that. Through Stand Up To Cancer, and the September 5th broadcast, people all over the country can help."
I won't be home, but the DVR is already set. This is so necessary. So BIG. So needed. So NOW. If we all just turned on our TV, said a prayer, gave a dollar... Oncology is a huge interest of mine, and I am all read up on the research. This isn't the media giving you half the story. We're almost there. Almost. But the government is NOT helping. We have the technology, but if you saw the costs, you'd be speechless. Some of these new drugs alone are so high that pharmacies won't even dispense them - the MDs have to pay for them out of pocket, and usually at that they don't get completely reimbursed. Those are the good souls who have the vision. Cancer has touched my life in so many ways - family, close friends, parents of friends... and unfortunately, most of their stories didn't end up with success. That's changing. I truly believe in my lifetime, I'll see the cure to cancer. The more physiology you study and the more you hear about the advanced ideas about treatment options, the more it clicks and you wonder why you didn't think of that! But then you think about how much funding and how many years of research comes next, and it's easy to get discouraged. Well, we've seen what happens on shows like Idol Gives Back, so I'm interested to see what happens when the country and a handful of our hottest celebs get together to make a difference. There's power in numbers. And for just one night, we can forget about being republicans or democrats and stand united for one cause. And those running for office can stand by and watch.... it's about time they realize that despite our differences, we are all humans and we all have a heart for suffering. Yes, our country is suffering. Financially, with our worldwide relationships, and especially with our healthcare. With BIG disease that hit hard. But I hate politics so I'll get back to where my heart is.... health and suffering and MAKING A DIFFERENCE... I had some links for you from their site as well as some facts but due to high traffic, a lot of the site is temporarily down. Here's what works for now, plus some videos. And facts we ALL need to hear.
Tune in tonight. We all can make a difference... how great is that!!
*Where is the money going? Paul Rudd gives us more info about the show and the research...
*Don't forget.... all the STARS are coming out tonight! Here's a benefit song by Mariah Carey, Beyonce, Rihanna, Fergie, Miley Cyrus, Sheryl Crow, Melissa Etheridge, Natasha Bedingfield, Mary J Blige. I believe the single is on iTunes NOW and an album will be in iTunes on Tuesday.
Hard Facts
A 1% reduction in cancer deaths would add $500 billion into the US economy.
Imagine $50 trillion; that’s what we’ll save by conquering cancer.
In 1982 the Surgeon General’s Report stated “cigarette smoking is the major single cause of cancer mortality in the U.S.” This statement is still true.
Tobacco accounts for over 1/3rd of all cancer deaths in the US.
Although more than 40-thousand women die every year of breast cancer in this country that number is going down. One reason is because doctors and scientists are now able to breakdown tumors to the cellular level and target therapies accordingly.
Breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in women.
Smoking is responsible for 87% of lung cancer deaths and lung cancer is the leading cause of cancer death and is one of the most difficult cancers to treat.
In 2007 approximately 153,760 new cases of colorectal cancer were diagnosed.
The five-year survival rate for colorectal cancer detected early is 90%.
Colorectal cancer kills almost 50,000 Americans every year.
We used to have such crazy dreams. The kind of dreams that brought us together, made us not mere mortals, but a movement.
We used to dream we'd get to the moon. And we were crazy enough, fanatical enough, relentless enough, to get there.
We dreamed we'd split the atom. Make smallpox and polio whispers from forgotten history books. Make technology infinite, individual. Connect the world.
All the unbelievable and the impossible, all the can't do and the never will, we overwhelmed them, we overpowered them, we conquered them. They said no and we, well, We said yes. We stood up. We stood up and changed the world.
Stand up when everybody else sits down Stand up when it's easier to turn away Stand up for everyone who can't rise anymore
When the answer seems impossible, stand up When the dream is right within our reach, stand up When the powerful refuse your call, stand up
The moment is now and the time has come to stand up. One out of every two men One out of every three women will face these diseases we call cancer.
Our sisters, our brothers, our fathers, our mothers, our husbands, our wives, our children. Our very best friends and those we've yet to meet.
One person every minute, one person in a moment gets lost, gets stolen, gets taken away.
We are a tapestry of lives touched and brought together by a terrorist we can actually find. And in the time it's taken to read this, three more Americans have died.
Unforgivable.
This is where the end of cancer begins.
When together we become a force unmistakable. A movement undeniable. A light that cannot dim.
When we take our wild impossible dreams And make them possible Make them true
When together we rise as one When we stand up When we Stand Up To Cancer.
Lastly, may this simple video touch your heart.
What do YOU stand for?
Tonight, will YOU stand up to cancer? May this be where the end of cancer begins. ABC . NBC . CBS 8p EST/PST View the celebrity lineup
Over the course of their lifetimes, a third of the population will require a life-saving transfusion, whether it's due to cancer, an accident, a burn, a transplant, surgery, having a baby, or a chronic disease. EVERY THREE SECONDS, someone needs a blood transfusion. Nearly 5 million Americans a year are in dire need of blood. Many die. Blood is well, crucial to existence. I didn't have to be an nurse to tell you that one.
Most Americans are eligible to donate blood, but less than 5% of them do so. Isn't it ironic that most of us expect there to be blood available to us at all times, regardless of whether or not we have ever donated? Regardless of whether or not we even know anyone who has ever donated?
Blood is perishable, and there is absolutely no substitute for human blood. A typical donation of a pint might cost you only an hour, but it can save the lives of up to three people. Put that in perspective. It could save the lives of your mom, your husband, and your daughter. Last week when I was in the hospital, I needed four units of platelets. That is usually standard for me. The previous evening, a patient had used up 40% of the hospital's supply, so getting my blood was like a war between my doctor and the blood bank doctor. They finally settled on giving me three units, but honestly? I was scared. There has to be a reason they've been giving me four units as standard for all these years, right? Plus with it being summer, the blood shortage is very evident in most areas of the country right now - probably even yours.
How many people have secret lists of things they want to do before they die, and how many times is "save a life" written on those lists? Well tell me, what's easier than spending a little less than an hour to save THREE? And you can do it over and over and over again. I'm so upset that my health conditions prevent my blood from being of any value for donation. I'd be in there as often as I possibly could (every 56 days!) if I had better blood to give, and that's a promise you can hold me to.
I know a lot of people have heard generalizations on the rules and regulations, and yes, some things are obvious - maybe it's not the best thing to go to the donation drive if you are fully aware that you have HIV. But lately with the advances in technology, you'd be surprised - major things aside, your blood is probably perfectly safe to go into another's veins. The American Red Cross has a great resource page to help answer your questions.
Have you donated blood? If so, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Maybe your cells gave mine life. Maybe the product of your heart has been through mine. I am grateful for the life you've given me.
If not? It's okay. Just please think about it. Please don't pass this up, close the tab, and go about your day. I'll personally help you find a drive by you and cheer you through it if that's what it takes.
Please, please, please. I politely ask you, as a nurse, as a patient, as a human being. As someone who cares. As someone who knows no one is too busy to save a life, or two, or three.
I am 22 & currently spend my days nannying my itty bitties + going to college (working on my nursing degree, goal: pediatric oncology) & am honored to be a published writer in a nursing anthology & a contributor to many scrapbooking publications. i love hanging with my amazing friends, sister & family. i love my baby puppy haylie brooke and our silly doggie ri-ri. in my rare spare time, i read & get crafty. i thrive on organization, my mac repertoire, learning & absolute fabulosity. my favorite place in the world is paris. my favorite color is pink. i love being a nurse & i believe each one of my patients is precious. i'm a night owl & wish my lifestyle promoted such habits. i like lazy jammie days. i believe in god and am thankful for his hand on my life. i believe that life is too short to be anything but happy, & i’m thankful that a chronic liver disease + the effects of a car accident have taught me important values that most people learn far too late. i hope that the world will find hope, and my idea of a good day is one in which i made someone smile :)
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