Monday, February 22, 2010

Today: Bad to Worse to Worst to Blessed

Today I woke up exhausted, not liking the gloom out my window, not looking forward to eliminating my Ex's existence on my legal documents, and not looking forward to visiting my hepatologist - an hour away - late in the afternoon. 

So first up... in to see my attorney to get all of my power of attorneys, durable healthcare power of attorneys, living will, etc. revised.  Mr. Attorney said it wasn't smart to put my fiance in such important legal documents, but I told him we weren't like other couples, and it would be fine.  Today I bit my words as we took his names off of all of my legal documents - as if he doesn't exist - on my most important papers anymore.  I signed, signed, and signed, and he notarized, notarized, notarized.  Off we went with new documents, reflecting my new life.  Off we went to Cleveland... ugh.

My mom and I listened to a really uplifting CD on the way there, and I love spending time with my mom.  But the drive is so long.  The visits aren't the worst of it; it's just draining by the time you do the driving, parking, waiting, signing in, etc. But onto to the visit - Of course I saw Dr. Hupertz's resident first, and this resident rubbed me the wrong way.  That's what started it.  Then I saw my doctor.  All in all = lots of tests and procedures to be scheduled.  My I'm-fine-hey-no-liver-problems-here break is officially over.  It seems I get a hiatus every Aug/September through April or May since she tries to follow the school schedule, but it's approaching March... April... May... June, and there's lots of info she wants on me... well, here it comes again.  How's the scans looking? How are the cysts on my kidneys looking?  How big are the varices?  Is the bloodflow blocked even more?  Is the MELD high enough to warrant a transplant yet?  She has questions, and I don't want to give her the time to get the answers.  I don't want the answers in all actuality.  I'm bored with all of this.  I just want to be better.  So anyways, back to today -  then we go to schedule all these procedures.  I always see the same scheduler who I love, but hey look, they decided to hire a new one who knows absolutely nothing.  I absolutely loathe arguing, and that's all we were doing, so I had to have my mom come in and talk to this woman because things were seriously getting that heated.  She couldn't care one bit about any word I had to say, and it was her way or no way, and she was all WRONG.  So we finally got me scheduled, I went downstairs and gave them their vials of blood, and then my mom and I went to the car in the rain, and I slept the entire way home. 

I get home, go to bed, exhausted and hoping I can sleep.  Of course not.  So I take some meds.  Then I'm not sure if it was he or I, but texting with the Ex began.  Things got violent and some very hurtful things were said, some opportunities to simply show love were ignored, and I ended up on my dad's bed crying while he watched TV.  I asked him if this was a normal way for a guy to handle something like this.  That's how the conversation began.  He turned off the TV and we talked and talked and talked, onto and past about 200 different topics, each about said guy and his actions and what has happened and where it hurts.  Then Dad stands up... what is he doing? Getting something out of the bathroom... oh... a tissue.  For me.  Dad got me a tissue.  So by the time said tissue is in my hand, I was bawling, so he just stood there, arms open wide, until I came into them and sobbed.  He told me he was hurting so badly for me and he knows how I've been wronged, how the approach to this breakup was entirely poorly-mannered and months of damage had already occurred.... long story. But he told me how this has been so hard for him to see me go through this, and he loved me, and there was a greater plan.  So I sobbed, and he cried, and I sobbed... into my daddy's strong arms.  His arms meant he knew, he cared, he understood, and everything would be okay.  Hurt and violated, yes, but he agreed with me in my gratitude for the grace of God intervening 3 weeks ago.  It's amazing, it is.

Then I texted my sister to see a movie at 10 with me.  I ached to see Dear John again... to see someone else hurting like me.  But, Nik has to go to bed for early class.  I text my cousin.  I text my bestie.  I remember that Jen, bless her heart, had just gotten out of work, and here she tells me me she'll be on her way just as soon as she stops home for clothes.  She's almost missing a work deadline on her new RN job and is exhausted out of her mind, but she's driving an hour from work to her house to get stuff to come 45 minutes to my house to spend the night and pray with me and let me cry and cry and cry.... and then wake up and make sure I'm just a little better in the morning.  Now that's a best friend.

We are blessed, dear friends, so so blessed.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

November

November
Has taken its toll
And if I know better
There's more to come

And the ocean is waitin' at our backdoor
You know we could leave
But we know in our hearts
There's so much more

We will find a way
To make it through these days
And we will find a way
To make it through these days

And I've fallen face down in the sun
Yeah, I take my chance playin'
Life's little dance and I still don't understand

And people are talkin' at me
Yeah, they make no sense
Wish I could pay my expenses
And get on the next train outta here

We will find a way
To make it through these days
We will find a way
To make it through
With sweet love and prayer

And who's the fairest of us all
And who will fight for you and I
Who's the bravest of us all
And who will hold us when we cry
When we cry

And we will find a way
To make it through these days
We will find a way
To make it through
To make it through
To make it through
To make it through
To make it through

Gemma Hayes

Friday, February 19, 2010

Glorious

It's been so many days since I've written.  I've been sorting through parts and pieces of my life, reassembling some broken parts, throwing away of a few unusable things, adding a bunch of wonderful, graceful things, you know, just renovating a bit.  Using the bad to bring out some good.  And I finally believe the wings of this new and improved Amanda are finally ready to fly.  I like who I am now, and I feel like I'm so much more mature.  I know what I want.  Everything is so clear to me right now. Sure, I'm still struggling with a few things, but I learned how to leave them at the feet of Jesus. 

Speaking of the glorious... all week, I've been dwelling on this post by the fabulous Angie Smith (at another great blog you should check out, (In)Courage), entitled "The Glorious Hem."  Read, reflect, and rejoice.  We - despite our many, many flaws - are all wanted, and we will all be redeemed.  Nothing matters but what we have in store for us only by the grace of God.  May we press on, getting through the dirt we encounter all over this life, to finally meet our groom.  He knows us and wants us.  He is waiting for us with his promises to wipe away our tears and make all things new.  Glorious!

Todd and I seem to be in "Spring Cleaning" mode a little early this year.  In the past few days, we have started tackling some home projects that we have been putting off for awhile.  One of them (which I was DREADING) was cleaning out our closets.

I was dreading it for a few reasons, not the least of which was that there were some sassy pants in a size 2 that I knew God was calling me to surrender to the "in your dreams" pile. I decided I need to take some pressure off myself about losing all of my baby weight, so I was actually pretty liberal with my sorting this time around.

I was also dreading cleaning out the girl's closets because there were stacks of clothes that needed to be sorted by size and season, and different piles for people who have little girls I have been putting it off forever, so I committed the afternoon yesterday and set up shop in Kate's room. I turned on the radio and started reaching for the piles.

About a half hour later, I was in tears.

I hadn't expected it to be so mentally draining. I have mentioned this before, but I really feel like I see life in photographs...

I remember the outfit Ellie was wearing when she realized that the hose water was freezing, and about 2 seconds later when she taught Abby the same lesson the hard way.

I remember what Kate wore home from the hospital, and what blankie I first photographed her in.

I remember the bathing suit that Abby was wearing when she felt beach sand for the first time.

I remember the dresses the girls were wearing last Christmas, when I was a few months pregnant with a baby girl I thought was healthy.

I have one of our Christmas cards from last year and it is signed "Todd, Angie, Ellie, Abby, Kate and Baby Smith."

I grieved all over again, in a different way.  I grieved because I can't hold her in those sweet hand-me-downs while rocking her to sleep.  It seems like at this point, the hardest moments come in ways that are totally unexpected. I start to feel like I am doing really well, and then I get hit over the head with this queasy feeling of agony.

I sat on Kate's floor and dreamed of Audrey for awhile. I miss her so much, and I daily mourn the loss of the little moments of life I take for granted with the girls.

As I made my way into my closet, I felt so heavy with sadness. I started throwing my maternity clothes into a giant bag while I had a little "conversation" with God. It was pretty one-sided.

At least it was at first.

After a few minutes, I looked up and saw the bag that has my wedding dress in it. When I talk about "the Lord speaking to me," it is in a time like this, when I feel a prompting to do something and I know that it is coming from Him.  In this moment, I felt like I needed to unzip the bag.

It seemed a little odd, but I know Him well enough to know that I should just obey the urging and let Him guide me to where I am supposed to be.  I unzipped the bag and for a brief moment, my mind was consumed with the fact that I used to have a 21 inch waist, but then I remembered that the God of the Universe was speaking to me (clap, clap!) so I returned to a posture of listening.

I pulled the bottom of the dress out of the bag and the train came spilling out.  I spread it out on the ground and studied it as moments of my wedding day came to mind.  I started to relax and my eyes drifted to the edges of the train.  And I saw the most incredible, unexpected thing.

The hem of my gown is dirty. Really dirty.

And I know how it got that way. I walked down a church aisle, took photographs in the grass, and danced and ate my way to happiness.  I lived in it.

A few dresses down from my wedding gown is the dress I wore when we buried Audrey.  It is dirty as well, but not from happiness.  It is stained with fresh earth, wrinkled from kneeling by my daughter's grave.

And so I sat on my closet floor asking the Lord to show me why He had brought me here.  I closed my eyes and imagined the hem of my wedding gown as I danced with my new husband.

"... I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." -Revelation 21:2-5

I couldn't remember the whole scripture, but the words "You are the bride of Christ" came to mind. I suddenly had an image in my mind of myself in a glorious white gown that floated all around me.  A seemingly endless train chasing after me as I walked.

And then, Him.

I couldn't see Him in my mind, but I felt a great peace as I imagined my hands, clutching at fabric all around me so I could run to where He was.  I saw myself, falling before Him as my dirty gown settled all around me.

Dirty from the hurt and the disappointment.

Dirty from the dancing in joy.

Dirty from years of walking across a wet graveyard.

Dirty from loving deeply, richly, completely.

Dirty from the fears, the dreams, the sorrow, the confusion.

Dirty from the memories, the regrets, the mistakes, the injustice of this world.

Stained by this life I have walked while my Savior whispered, "One day I will wipe your tears, my sweet bride..."

What a glorious hem surrounds us all. It follows us wherever we go, gathering up pieces of this life in anticipation of the next.

And one day, I will bow to the King of Kings, and I will worship Him.

And as He wipes the tears from my eyes, I will ask Him the question that cannot be answered fully from a closet floor....Where is she, Lord?

And in the meantime, I will start to think of my days like a wedding photograph.  I will walk, veiled, down this long aisle, in breathless anticipation of the day that awaits me.

I will trust in the One Who will make all things new in His time.

I will keep my eyes on He Who waits for me.

I will.

Or rather, I do.

Angie Smith, Bring The Rain

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Anything but this

     Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn’t mean that you love them any less.  Sometimes it makes you love them even more.
          The Last Song movie

     It’s hard when you miss people, but you know, if you miss them, it means you’re lucky.  It means you had something special in your life, someone worth missing.  
          One Tree Hill 7.16

My hair stylist lost her husband to cancer last August.  It was a hard battle with a drawn out ending.  She hasn’t been the same since and probably won’t be.  Last week, I went in to get my hair done, and she stopped and looked at me, knowing what had happened since my mom had seen her the week before.  “It’s like this huge empty feeling right here, isn’t it?” as she stopped and pointed to somewhere between her stomach and her heart.  I nodded, holding back tears.  I didn’t have the courage to ask how long until that feeling fades away... if ever?

     I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed
     You don't know this now but there's some things that need to be said
     And it's all that I can hear, It's more than I can bare...

     What if I fall and hurt myself?
     Would you know how to fix me
     What if I went and lost myself?
     Would you know where to find me
     If I forgot who I am,
     Would you please remind me?
     Cause without you things go hazy
          Rosi Golan

2 weeks ago to this moment, January 30, 2010, my fiance (of 2.5+ years, boyfriend of nearly 5.5) and I broke the relationship.  

We bowed to what we knew was the plan of God, even though it was the hardest thing either of us have ever had to do.  

I cried to God, "Anything but this," and I meant it.  I've known sickness, I've known pain, I've known more than most.  And my continual cry was honest, yet my prayer unanswered.

     As for God, His way is perfect.
          Psalm 18.30

     Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.
          Psalm 23.4-5

     In the beginning, GOD.
          Genesis 1.1a

     Him that filleth all in all
          Ephesians 1.23b

We’ve been holding to the promises we know are true, trying to get through this, to the other side... whatever is over there, we don’t know.

     Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.
          Proverbs 3.5-6

     For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
          Isaiah 55.8-9

Right after that night, I made two lists - one of things I will miss, and one of things I won’t miss.  I realize the second might have been inappropriate, but it’s the only way I could formulate some kind of coping at that point in time.

These are the things which I ultimately ache to see, hear, or feel just one more time... I'd give all but my very soul to have these things just for one more second.   The things about you that I miss... The things you did that I’ll be forever so grateful for.  Reasons to miss you even more...  The things I will never forget.  Whatever you want to call it, this is my list.

We fit together like we were meant to be, and I really thought we were.  The grief is worse than losing anyone in death because you’re still alive, I’m still alive, and both of us have to figure out now how to live apart until we can live together again as friends.

You were my first love.  You carried and took care of me, stayed by me, held onto me.  You taught me the existence of love itself, in believing in things much greater than ourselves. You nurtured my growth, enabled my being. You gently tore down my unsurpassable, incorruptible walls. You taught me how to love.

No matter where we each end up, we will always be entwined into the innermost beings of each other. Growing together for a quarter of our lives has left undeniable, indelible marks on our souls. For that, I will always love you.

     Hear my cry, oh God - attend unto my prayer.  From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee.  When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy... I will trust covert of thy wings.  Selah.
          Psalm 61.1-4

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Tomorrow’s all wrong

You whisper that you are getting tired
got a look in your eye
looks a lot like goodbye
hold on to your secrets tonight
don't want to know I'm okay with this silence
it's the truth that I dont want to hear

You're hiding regret in your smile
there's a story in your eyes I've seen coming for a while
hang on to the past tense tonight
don't say a word
I'm okay with the quiet
the truth is gonna change everything

So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright
so lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart
look me in the eye lie, lie, lie
lie, lie, lie

I know that there's no turning back
if we put too much light on this we'll see through all the cracks
let's stay in the dark one more night
don't want to know
I'm okay with this silence
it's truth that I dont want hear

So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright
so lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night
I don't mind if you wait before you tear me apart
so look me in the eye
and lie, lie, lie

Don't want to believe in this ending
let the cameras roll on, keep pretending
tomorrow's all wrong
if you walk away
just stay

So lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be alright
so lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night
I dont mind if you wait before you tear me apart
look me in the eye and lie, lie, lie

- David Cook

Sunday, January 24, 2010

To be free

The Notebook is on TV tonight.  We have it on DVD, but for some reason watching it on TV is good, too.  It's one of my favorite stories - boy meets girl, dad says girl too good for boy, boy and girl split up, think about each other forever... until they meet again and fall back in love.  Something like that.

But anyways, for some reason I liked this scene tonight...

"Say I'm a bird!" 

To feel that free.  To dance around in the water, making no sense at all, and enjoying every minute of it.  Wanting everyone else to join in and experience what you're feeling.  Free.

I don't feel free right now.  I feel chained down to a degree I'm resultingly becoming apathetic towards, chained down to some place a thousand miles from my comfort zone, forced to throw every free moment or feeling of freedom far away.  I feel chained down to a relationship that should be deeper, and would be deeper, farther, if it weren't for us being chained down.  Rules, regulations, traditions, status quos.  Complete crap if you ask me.  Why can't I get this degree on my time?  Why am I "late," "slow," when really this is the best I can do?  Why can't the truest, deepest love produce cash, securities, and benefits?  Why can't unsurpassable, deep, yearning love equal marriage, true togetherness?  Why is it all about money?  Jobs.  Obligations.  And why do other people have to be so opinionated?  Why do we tread carefully, trying not to let our loved ones down?  Why do strangers look at us with confused eyes?  I'd perform better for them, for me, for us, if I wasn't chained down.  If I was free.  Like a bird, like a butterfly, like a dream. 

Oh, to be free...