They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain - They're smiling, ecstatic, triumphant.
They don't take pictures along the way because who wants to remember the rest of it?
We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it.
The relentless climb? The pain and anguish of taking it to the next level? Nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember. We just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world.
That's what keeps us climbing, and its worth the pain. That's the crazy part.
Today I woke up exhausted, not liking the gloom out my window, not looking forward to eliminating my Ex's existence on my legal documents, and not looking forward to visiting my hepatologist - an hour away - late in the afternoon.
So first up... in to see my attorney to get all of my power of attorneys, durable healthcare power of attorneys, living will, etc. revised. Mr. Attorney said it wasn't smart to put my fiance in such important legal documents, but I told him we weren't like other couples, and it would be fine. Today I bit my words as we took his names off of all of my legal documents - as if he doesn't exist - on my most important papers anymore. I signed, signed, and signed, and he notarized, notarized, notarized. Off we went with new documents, reflecting my new life. Off we went to Cleveland... ugh.
My mom and I listened to a really uplifting CD on the way there, and I love spending time with my mom. But the drive is so long. The visits aren't the worst of it; it's just draining by the time you do the driving, parking, waiting, signing in, etc. But onto to the visit - Of course I saw Dr. Hupertz's resident first, and this resident rubbed me the wrong way. That's what started it. Then I saw my doctor. All in all = lots of tests and procedures to be scheduled. My I'm-fine-hey-no-liver-problems-here break is officially over. It seems I get a hiatus every Aug/September through April or May since she tries to follow the school schedule, but it's approaching March... April... May... June, and there's lots of info she wants on me... well, here it comes again. How's the scans looking? How are the cysts on my kidneys looking? How big are the varices? Is the bloodflow blocked even more? Is the MELD high enough to warrant a transplant yet? She has questions, and I don't want to give her the time to get the answers. I don't want the answers in all actuality. I'm bored with all of this. I just want to be better. So anyways, back to today - then we go to schedule all these procedures. I always see the same scheduler who I love, but hey look, they decided to hire a new one who knows absolutely nothing. I absolutely loathe arguing, and that's all we were doing, so I had to have my mom come in and talk to this woman because things were seriously getting that heated. She couldn't care one bit about any word I had to say, and it was her way or no way, and she was all WRONG. So we finally got me scheduled, I went downstairs and gave them their vials of blood, and then my mom and I went to the car in the rain, and I slept the entire way home.
I get home, go to bed, exhausted and hoping I can sleep. Of course not. So I take some meds. Then I'm not sure if it was he or I, but texting with the Ex began. Things got violent and some very hurtful things were said, some opportunities to simply show love were ignored, and I ended up on my dad's bed crying while he watched TV. I asked him if this was a normal way for a guy to handle something like this. That's how the conversation began. He turned off the TV and we talked and talked and talked, onto and past about 200 different topics, each about said guy and his actions and what has happened and where it hurts. Then Dad stands up... what is he doing? Getting something out of the bathroom... oh... a tissue. For me. Dad got me a tissue. So by the time said tissue is in my hand, I was bawling, so he just stood there, arms open wide, until I came into them and sobbed. He told me he was hurting so badly for me and he knows how I've been wronged, how the approach to this breakup was entirely poorly-mannered and months of damage had already occurred.... long story. But he told me how this has been so hard for him to see me go through this, and he loved me, and there was a greater plan. So I sobbed, and he cried, and I sobbed... into my daddy's strong arms. His arms meant he knew, he cared, he understood, and everything would be okay. Hurt and violated, yes, but he agreed with me in my gratitude for the grace of God intervening 3 weeks ago. It's amazing, it is.
Then I texted my sister to see a movie at 10 with me. I ached to see Dear John again... to see someone else hurting like me. But, Nik has to go to bed for early class. I text my cousin. I text my bestie. I remember that Jen, bless her heart, had just gotten out of work, and here she tells me me she'll be on her way just as soon as she stops home for clothes. She's almost missing a work deadline on her new RN job and is exhausted out of her mind, but she's driving an hour from work to her house to get stuff to come 45 minutes to my house to spend the night and pray with me and let me cry and cry and cry.... and then wake up and make sure I'm just a little better in the morning. Now that's a best friend.
November Has taken its toll And if I know better There's more to come
And the ocean is waitin' at our backdoor You know we could leave But we know in our hearts There's so much more
We will find a way To make it through these days And we will find a way To make it through these days
And I've fallen face down in the sun Yeah, I take my chance playin' Life's little dance and I still don't understand
And people are talkin' at me Yeah, they make no sense Wish I could pay my expenses And get on the next train outta here
We will find a way To make it through these days We will find a way To make it through With sweet love and prayer
And who's the fairest of us all And who will fight for you and I Who's the bravest of us all And who will hold us when we cry When we cry
And we will find a way To make it through these days We will find a way To make it through To make it through To make it through To make it through To make it through
Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn’t mean that you love them any less. Sometimes it makes you love them even more. The Last Song movie
It’s hard when you miss people, but you know, if you miss them, it means you’re lucky. It means you had something special in your life, someone worth missing. One Tree Hill 7.16
My hair stylist lost her husband to cancer last August. It was a hard battle with a drawn out ending. She hasn’t been the same since and probably won’t be. Last week, I went in to get my hair done, and she stopped and looked at me, knowing what had happened since my mom had seen her the week before. “It’s like this huge empty feeling right here, isn’t it?” as she stopped and pointed to somewhere between her stomach and her heart. I nodded, holding back tears. I didn’t have the courage to ask how long until that feeling fades away... if ever?
I watched you sleeping quietly in my bed You don't know this now but there's some things that need to be said And it's all that I can hear, It's more than I can bare...
What if I fall and hurt myself? Would you know how to fix me What if I went and lost myself? Would you know where to find me If I forgot who I am, Would you please remind me? Cause without you things go hazy Rosi Golan
2 weeks ago to this moment, January 30, 2010, my fiance (of 2.5+ years, boyfriend of nearly 5.5) and I broke the relationship.
We bowed to what we knew was the plan of God, even though it was the hardest thing either of us have ever had to do.
I cried to God, "Anything but this," and I meant it. I've known sickness, I've known pain, I've known more than most. And my continual cry was honest, yet my prayer unanswered.
As for God, His way is perfect. Psalm 18.30
That late Saturday night, I ended up in the emergency room with a subsequent hospital stay after a complete breakdown, and the rest of the days haven’t been any easier. One day I slept for about 20 hours straight (starting at 4pm), while other nights, I can’t even sleep. God never said His way was easy, but He did promise He’d be with us every step of the way.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Psalm 23.4-5
However, Jonathan and I have both used this separation time to bring us closer to God. Sometimes all but our very lives need to be taken away from us before we realize God is all we have left... and God is all we really need.
In the beginning, GOD. Genesis 1.1a
Him that filleth all in all Ephesians 1.23b
We’ve been holding to the promises we know are true, trying to get through this, to the other side... whatever is over there, we don’t know.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3.5-6
Yet still I can’t help but wonder...
How long until the tan line on my left index finger goes away? How long until I can start eating and drinking? (Losing 16 lbs in 2 weeks just isn't right) How long until I can see you without having to hold back tears? How long until I can mention your name without crumbling? How long until I can wash my hands without going into a panic, sure my ring is gone? How long until I can wear the clothes I wore when I was with you? How long until I can go into any place we have ever been together? How long until I can watch the movies or shows I first saw with you? How long until I can truly smile or laugh or love again? How long until all of the beautiful memories fade? How long until this nightmare is over?
How long until we finally see His higher plan?
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55.8-9
Right after that night, I made two lists - one of things I will miss, and one of things I won’t miss. I realize the second might have been inappropriate, but it’s the only way I could formulate some kind of coping at that point in time.
These are the things which I ultimately ache to see, hear, or feel just one more time... I'd give all but my very soul to have these things just for one more second. The things about you that I miss... The things you did that I’ll be forever so grateful for. Reasons to miss you even more... The things I will never forget. Whatever you want to call it, this is my list.
Your subconscious humming Your immaculate DVR commercial-skipping skills Putting up with my rants Entertaining my theories Your cold hands in the winter Letting me control the music in the car How you'd gently fix my ring if it was poking your finger Not minding my "return policy" How you'd gently stroke my back Your nerdiness How you could tell - without even looking - if I fell asleep Each time you told me I looked cute or was beautiful How you'd reassure me, "It's okay - we'll prepare for the worst." When you'd hold me as I sobbed How you'd whisper to God when I couldn't find the strength You using a coaster and usually putting any stray dishes in the dishwasher Long emails in the beginning No request was ever too much for you, not even Dairy Queen in January Getting gas before you picked me up Input regarding wedding things (colors, stationery, photographers) Relentless love Learning the value of family Putting up with my eccentricities and moods Carefully learning my needs Noticing I buy my favorite clothing items in a few different colors Letting me take my time Reassuring me Pretending to like your Amanda plant when really, you let it die Helping me cope with transitions and life events
Untangling my jewelry For painting my walls and hanging my curtains For waiting for me For knowing when and how to deal with what was beyond my walls Long drives Stopping me before I went "too far" whether it was in speech or deed Dropping your plans to hold me while I cried Driving me home, going east on 18, stars out, soft music playing, our hands together, our words soft Miniscule errands, all the time Your passion for your work Keeping my secrets Talking about our future children
Why you almost passed out Chick flicks Sacrificing to buy the bigger, clearer diamond to surprise me with Driving 2.5 hours to a concert you probably didn't want to go to Teaching me basketball Holding my hand in the hospital Letting me dawdle when shopping for anything, anywhere Movie theaters, Playhouse Square, concerts, Disney on Ice, Cavs games, and t-ball games Letting me do everything elaborately and excessively Growing your caring nature Going home only once I was settled in bed and kissed goodnight Letting me call you at midnight Spontaneous "I'll love you" texts Respecting me Your chivalry
Your light, just-because kisses on my head Sharing each and every one of our 1,190 days
Friday, August 20, 2004 to Saturday, January 30, 2010... Right now, I’m still coming to grips with losing my very best friend, fiance, husband, children, pretty house in Hudson, Ikea furniture, my job in Cleveland, and all of the other things we’ve weaved into the dream of our beautiful future.
We fit together like we were meant to be, and I really thought we were. The grief is worse than losing anyone in death because you’re still alive, I’m still alive, and both of us have to figure out now how to live apart until we can live together again as friends.
You were my first love. You carried and took care of me, stayed by me, held onto me. You taught me the existence of love itself, in believing in things much greater than ourselves. You nurtured my growth, enabled my being. You gently tore down my unsurpassable, incorruptible walls. You taught me how to love.
No matter where we each end up, we will always be entwined into the innermost beings of each other. Growing together for a quarter of our lives has left undeniable, indelible marks on our souls. For that, I will always love you.
Hear my cry, oh God - attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy... I will trust covert of thy wings. Selah. Psalm 61.1-4
You tucked me in, turned out the light, kept me safe and sound at night Little girls depend on things like that
Brushed my teeth and combed my hair had to drive me every where You were always there when I looked back
You had to do it all alone, make a living, make a home Must have been as hard as it could be And when I couldn't sleep at night, scared things wouldn't turn out right, You would hold my hand and sing to me
Caterpillar in the tree, How you wonder who you'll be Can't go far, but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might Don't you worry, hold on tight I promise you there will come a day Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away Got your wings, now you can't stay Take those dreams and make them all come true Butterfly fly away You've been waiting for this day all along and know just what to do
. . B u t t e r f l y . . . f l y . . . . . a w a y . . . . . .
The Notebook is on TV tonight. We have it on DVD, but for some reason watching it on TV is good, too. It's one of my favorite stories - boy meets girl, dad says girl too good for boy, boy and girl split up, think about each other forever... until they meet again and fall back in love. Something like that.
But anyways, for some reason I liked this scene tonight...
"Say I'm a bird!"
To feel that free. To dance around in the water, making no sense at all, and enjoying every minute of it. Wanting everyone else to join in and experience what you're feeling. Free.
I don't feel free right now. I feel chained down to a degree I'm resultingly becoming apathetic towards, chained down to some place a thousand miles from my comfort zone, forced to throw every free moment or feeling of freedom far away. I feel chained down to a relationship that should be deeper, and would be deeper, farther, if it weren't for us being chained down. Rules, regulations, traditions, status quos. Complete crap if you ask me. Why can't I get this degree on my time? Why am I "late," "slow," when really this is the best I can do? Why can't the truest, deepest love produce cash, securities, and benefits? Why can't unsurpassable, deep, yearning love equal marriage, true togetherness? Why is it all about money? Jobs. Obligations. And why do other people have to be so opinionated? Why do we tread carefully, trying not to let our loved ones down? Why do strangers look at us with confused eyes? I'd perform better for them, for me, for us, if I wasn't chained down. If I was free. Like a bird, like a butterfly, like a dream.
I am 22 & currently spend my days nannying my itty bitties + going to college (working on my nursing degree, goal: pediatric oncology) & am honored to be a published writer in a nursing anthology & a contributor to many scrapbooking publications. i love hanging with my amazing friends, sister & family. i love my baby puppy haylie brooke and our silly doggie ri-ri. in my rare spare time, i read & get crafty. i thrive on organization, my mac repertoire, learning & absolute fabulosity. my favorite place in the world is paris. my favorite color is pink. i love being a nurse & i believe each one of my patients is precious. i'm a night owl & wish my lifestyle promoted such habits. i like lazy jammie days. i believe in god and am thankful for his hand on my life. i believe that life is too short to be anything but happy, & i’m thankful that a chronic liver disease + the effects of a car accident have taught me important values that most people learn far too late. i hope that the world will find hope, and my idea of a good day is one in which i made someone smile :)
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They take pictures of mountain climbers at the top of the mountain -
