Today I woke up exhausted, not liking the gloom out my window, not looking forward to eliminating my Ex's existence on my legal documents, and not looking forward to visiting my hepatologist - an hour away - late in the afternoon.
So first up... in to see my attorney to get all of my power of attorneys, durable healthcare power of attorneys, living will, etc. revised. Mr. Attorney said it wasn't smart to put my fiance in such important legal documents, but I told him we weren't like other couples, and it would be fine. Today I bit my words as we took his names off of all of my legal documents - as if he doesn't exist - on my most important papers anymore. I signed, signed, and signed, and he notarized, notarized, notarized. Off we went with new documents, reflecting my new life. Off we went to Cleveland... ugh.
My mom and I listened to a really uplifting CD on the way there, and I love spending time with my mom. But the drive is so long. The visits aren't the worst of it; it's just draining by the time you do the driving, parking, waiting, signing in, etc. But onto to the visit - Of course I saw Dr. Hupertz's resident first, and this resident rubbed me the wrong way. That's what started it. Then I saw my doctor. All in all = lots of tests and procedures to be scheduled. My I'm-fine-hey-no-liver-problems-here break is officially over. It seems I get a hiatus every Aug/September through April or May since she tries to follow the school schedule, but it's approaching March... April... May... June, and there's lots of info she wants on me... well, here it comes again. How's the scans looking? How are the cysts on my kidneys looking? How big are the varices? Is the bloodflow blocked even more? Is the MELD high enough to warrant a transplant yet? She has questions, and I don't want to give her the time to get the answers. I don't want the answers in all actuality. I'm bored with all of this. I just want to be better. So anyways, back to today - then we go to schedule all these procedures. I always see the same scheduler who I love, but hey look, they decided to hire a new one who knows absolutely nothing. I absolutely loathe arguing, and that's all we were doing, so I had to have my mom come in and talk to this woman because things were seriously getting that heated. She couldn't care one bit about any word I had to say, and it was her way or no way, and she was all WRONG. So we finally got me scheduled, I went downstairs and gave them their vials of blood, and then my mom and I went to the car in the rain, and I slept the entire way home.
I get home, go to bed, exhausted and hoping I can sleep. Of course not. So I take some meds. Then I'm not sure if it was he or I, but texting with the Ex began. Things got violent and some very hurtful things were said, some opportunities to simply show love were ignored, and I ended up on my dad's bed crying while he watched TV. I asked him if this was a normal way for a guy to handle something like this. That's how the conversation began. He turned off the TV and we talked and talked and talked, onto and past about 200 different topics, each about said guy and his actions and what has happened and where it hurts. Then Dad stands up... what is he doing? Getting something out of the bathroom... oh... a tissue. For me. Dad got me a tissue. So by the time said tissue is in my hand, I was bawling, so he just stood there, arms open wide, until I came into them and sobbed. He told me he was hurting so badly for me and he knows how I've been wronged, how the approach to this breakup was entirely poorly-mannered and months of damage had already occurred.... long story. But he told me how this has been so hard for him to see me go through this, and he loved me, and there was a greater plan. So I sobbed, and he cried, and I sobbed... into my daddy's strong arms. His arms meant he knew, he cared, he understood, and everything would be okay. Hurt and violated, yes, but he agreed with me in my gratitude for the grace of God intervening 3 weeks ago. It's amazing, it is.
Then I texted my sister to see a movie at 10 with me. I ached to see Dear John again... to see someone else hurting like me. But, Nik has to go to bed for early class. I text my cousin. I text my bestie. I remember that Jen, bless her heart, had just gotten out of work, and here she tells me me she'll be on her way just as soon as she stops home for clothes. She's almost missing a work deadline on her new RN job and is exhausted out of her mind, but she's driving an hour from work to her house to get stuff to come 45 minutes to my house to spend the night and pray with me and let me cry and cry and cry.... and then wake up and make sure I'm just a little better in the morning. Now that's a best friend.
It's almost her first Christmas in Heaven. She feels so far away, yet somehow, so right here. Her light shines on, warm with her memory. She lives on in everything we do, yet the void still aches, the pain is almost anew. What I wouldn't give for one more minute with her.
Love your loved ones - you never know if it's their last Christmas on this side of life. Last January, she left us. Last December, we wouldn't have believed it.
Shine on us, Nana, heal our hearts with your ever present love and grace. I miss you with a void not even time could heal.
What's it like to spend Christmas at the throne of God? I wish we were there together. I wish for nothing more.
Christmas, 2006. After Nana passed away, I kept the jacket she had just unwrapped in this picture. I remember ordering it online at Old Navy for her. I thought it was cute. :)
Mom and Nikki are December girls! A few special pictures...
Mom's birthday lunch at Bravo:
Jonathan & I
Dad & Mom
Nikki & Ben
And then Nikki's birthday party at our house:
Nikki & her friend Colleen
And because December is not busy enough.... Jon & I went to see Wicked with his family:
Are we not so adorable together? :)
Oh, and we tried to give a "fresh" approach to the annual Christmas card photo by adding Santa Claus. Since Haylie has to be in the picture, the best we could do was PetSmart. Santa was either hungover, high, or just an interesting individual. We found it funny, so yes, this got sent out to 100 of our friends and family:
But this one is my favorite:
All I need, right there. I love our little family. <3
Oh, and a picture of Baby Bug. Just because she's so stinking cute!
Today my Nana would have turned 79. We would have had a celebration like always. Nana would have put on a "special" outfit and put on her going-out perfume. She would have looked radiant. We'd go out to eat and she'd feel like a princess ordering the most expensive thing on the menu - not feeling bad about it for a second! She would dine with her children and grandchildren. She would randomly glance to each one of them and tell them how much they meant to her. She'd look at me and say, "Oh, my Mandy Mine. You are so special!" as she'd take my hand and squeeze it. There would be laughter and stories and lots of love. We'd take pictures as our hearts would cruelly remind us that one year there might not be another birthday.
Last year was not supposed to be Nana's last birthday. It was supposed to be a happy birthday, and I guess it was for awhile. But then life happened and it will be forever thought of as Nana's last birthday.
I miss her so badly. I think about her every day, sometimes while driving down the road, sometimes while passing pretty flowers, often while at the craft store, and always at the places we went together. Sometimes her face, her voice, her hands will stand before me at the most random times. I'm reminded of her presence so often that I cannot doubt she is with me always. Scenes from our lives will slowly cross my mind - flickering on and off just like an old reel of film. And then it flickers off for good. The memory is over and Nana is gone again. Life is just not the same without her even though I can almost feel her breathing beside me, lifting me up and telling me that I was her Mandy and her Mandy could do anything.
Her memories haunt me as they hurt so bad, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. The legacy she left lives on, and it comes up in everyday discussion quite often. We go to a restaurant and glance to another family's table. "That's what Nana always ordered," one of us will say. While perusing the mall, we'll see an outfit and tell whoever will listen, "My Nana would have loved that outfit!" We see an older lady at the park with dignity and poise. "Nana was like that." We bite into a cookie and crumbs fly everywhere. "Nana always tried to teach us the right way to eat a cookie." Nana would have done that. Nana would have liked that. Remember when Nana...? She's ever-present. Every time my mom makes dinner or opens her home to anyone, she reminds me of my Nana. Nana wouldn't turn anyone away, and even when she had a long day, dinner was always ready on the table. She didn't rest. She just gave. She inspired. She taught. She listened. She tried. Like my Mom. And like I hope to be someday.
But right now, I just miss her. I still cry for her even in the middle of daylight when her face comes to my mind. I talk to her often, too - I know she is listening.
I want to post a few special things - I know I've posted them before, but they'll never get old to me. A video of her last birthday just a year ago, a passage she tore out of a devotional (above), and something I found at the very end of one of her books. I think she left it for us, her loved ones. She had so much love, and she didn't spare any of it. Just gave and gave and gave.
I know you're in a better place, but the void you left here will never be filled.
Since I could talk, I was always "Daddy's Girl," or some variant of it. Both of my parents are amazing and gave us beautiful lives, and both Nikki and I were very close to each of them, but for some reason or another... Nikki was always clinging to Mom and her blankie while I was proud to be independent ... well, aside from the hand that was always in Dad's. Always. I'd go as far out as I could, but not any further than Daddy's hand would reach. And rightfully so. I was convinced I was going to marry him, why, I even told Mom about my plan and informed her of her need for new housing. Yep, I was that itty bitty 4 year old you learn about in child psychology... if love was a handsome prince who did everything right and loved you back? Well, it definitely had to be Daddy. (Oh, and sorry, Mom...)
I'd go to all of Dad's business functions that I was allowed to when he was Chamber of Commerce President. I starred in his company's commercials, and I smiled pretty for pictures hanging on his office wall. Daddy told me I was his Cutie Pie. He taught me about life, and he helped me learn right from wrong. He was proud of me, and I was proud of him. It worked out pretty well. We did sand art at the fair, and we went for snow cones in the summer. When I did something bad, after our "discussion," he'd tell me he still loved me and give me an "A&W Rootbeer Stand pass" or two. That meant anytime I wanted, no matter what else was going on, I'd give him the pass and just the two of us had a date. Yep, my dad was pretty cool.
So.... here we are, 20-some Father's Days later. It's sad. Bittersweet. There is no more breakfast in bed, no more rag-tied curls with a bedtime story. No more "Cinderfella" or trips to Disney on Ice. No more of those endless driving lessons in the parking lot. No more "cowgirl" or watching out the front window for Daddy's car to pull in.
No, with time, a lot of things fade away. I'm so grateful for the memories, and I'm so grateful that sometimes after time creates absences, better things grow in their place. Things like a lot more love, a much deeper trust, and the knowledge that no matter how bad I screw up, how terrible my day was, or what accomplishment I achieve, I have a big strong set of loving, guiding arms behind me. Thanks, Dad.
She spins and she sways To whatever song plays Without a care in the world And I'm sitting here wearing The weight of the world on my shoulders
It's been a long day And there's still work to do She's pulling at me Saying "Dad, I need you There's a ball at the castle And I've been invited And I need to practice my dancing Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I danced with Cinderella While she is here in my arms 'Cause I know something the prince never knew Oh, I danced with Cinderella I don't wanna miss even one song 'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight And she'll be gone
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed She wants to know if I approve of her dress She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away And I need to practice my dancing Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I danced with Cinderella While she is here in my arms 'Cause I know something the prince never knew Oh, I danced with Cinderella I don't want to miss even one song 'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight And she'll be gone
She will be gone
Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand Just glowing and telling us all they had planned She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away But I need to practice my dancing Oh, please, Daddy, please?"
So I danced with Cinderella While she is here in my arms 'Cause I know something the prince never knew Oh, I danced with Cinderella I don't want to miss even one song 'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight And she'll be gone
I decided to go through some of the things I brought home from Florida when we went through Nana's things. I found so many treasures, but these really touched my heart.
I miss her so, so badly. I think of her every single day, and I know she's in Heaven watching over me. I talk to her sometimes... tell her about my day, about my worries, about exciting plans. I know she's up there listening to every word, but "Mandy Mine" sure does miss her Nana.
Please read these... I'm touched that she left these behind. I put them in my "special box." :)
I think of all we cherished The years we would carry In our hearts And I'm missing you so
Missing you You seem so far away Missing you I can't begin to say Just how hard life is How I can't bear the thought Of missing you
When I look around and wonder Just how many ponder The love of God And does He really care It makes me glad that I received The gift of life eternally Through His Son So I'm not missing you here
Missing you You seem so far away Missing you I can't begin to say Just how hard life is How I can't bear the thought Of missing you
Separation from those we love Can be so hard And I'm so glad That God made a way to be together I won't always feel the hurt of missing you
Missing you You seem so far away Missing you I can't begin to say Just how hard life is How I can't bear the thought Of missing you
I am 22 & currently spend my days nannying my itty bitties + going to college (working on my nursing degree, goal: pediatric oncology) & am honored to be a published writer in a nursing anthology & a contributor to many scrapbooking publications. i love hanging with my amazing friends, sister & family. i love my baby puppy haylie brooke and our silly doggie ri-ri. in my rare spare time, i read & get crafty. i thrive on organization, my mac repertoire, learning & absolute fabulosity. my favorite place in the world is paris. my favorite color is pink. i love being a nurse & i believe each one of my patients is precious. i'm a night owl & wish my lifestyle promoted such habits. i like lazy jammie days. i believe in god and am thankful for his hand on my life. i believe that life is too short to be anything but happy, & i’m thankful that a chronic liver disease + the effects of a car accident have taught me important values that most people learn far too late. i hope that the world will find hope, and my idea of a good day is one in which i made someone smile :)
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Since I could talk, I was always "Daddy's Girl," or some variant of it. Both of my parents are amazing and gave us beautiful lives, and both Nikki and I were very close to each of them, but for some reason or another... Nikki was always clinging to Mom and her blankie while I was proud to be independent ... well, aside from the hand that was always in Dad's. Always. I'd go as far out as I could, but not any further than Daddy's hand would reach. And rightfully so. I was convinced I was going to marry him, why, I even told Mom about my plan and informed her of her need for new housing. Yep, I was that itty bitty 4 year old you learn about in child psychology... if love was a handsome prince who did everything right and loved you back? Well, it definitely had to be Daddy. (Oh, and sorry, Mom...)
