Here is a paper I had to write regarding Ricki Lake's documentary, "The Business of Being Born." At least skim through to see the stats... pretty shocking!
I can't believe I've had it done since yesterday. It's no mystery I'm itching to get out of this semester. I can't wait for break. I need this break. Plus, it's Christmas, and I love, love, love Christmas! I can't wait to just relax with my family, friends, and fiance. :)
I cannot stop watching this video and wishing I was there! Nikki emailed it to me. :) We're a mildly obsessed with Disney World and the Magic Kingdom.
Next up, do you realize Christmas is less than 12 weeks away? I have no idea how I'm going to pull it off this year, you know, while I'm busting my butt in nursing school and trying to even just barely maintain sanity. I have a feeling lots of you are feeling the same way, and I'm loving Simple Mom who has a plan. 12 Weeks to a Peaceful Christmas. (Yeah I laughed too at first, but I think she's onto something!) First up, Week 12: Prepare Your Holiday Budget and great topics each week until Christmas. She has plans and downloads, and I think I might just be able to pull it off. I love you, Simple Mom!
For some cute pictures of pets in Halloween costumes, you have to check out Good Housekeeping's 3rd Annual Halloween Pet Costume contest. I won't enter Haylie seeing how much she loathes any form of clothing, but I wish I could! She was a ballerina one year, a pumpkin another... but she just hated it so much. People like my cousin (Hi Heather!) will love this site so check it out. A great time waster too. You know, when you have a huge nursing exam in the morning... yeah, perfect for that! ;-)
Well last week was nuts, this weekend was packed (I took Nikki to the Taylor Swift concert - got floor tickets for her birthday), and this week is going to be no calmer! I'm excited though because on Friday at clinical, instead of working on the floor I get my "alternate experience" which is outpatient oncology. That means I get to hang out with the nurses there all day and see what I can learn. It should be really fun, and I'm excited about it. Then the following week is our last week of peds! The remainder of the semester is Maternal-Newborn Nursing, which honestly, I'm not looking forward to. But we'll see, maybe it will be better than I think. Hopefully so. So today I'm studying, tomorrow is class and an exam, my first experience with acupuncture (not even kidding), and then Wednesday I have my girls. Their mom made L Bug's 2 year old and Baby's 1 month appointment to be at the same time which means double shots, double screaming, double the fun. Good thing I have Thursday to recover, wait, scratch that, I have Thursday to finish my 12 page nursing paper which is due the following week. The fun doesn't end!
So I've been thinking lately... a lot. And I want to say "you never know what you have until it's gone," and "money can't buy happiness," and you know... all the lines. Life has completely changed for me over the past few weeks. I knew it would. I let it happen. But I have to say I'm still neutral, perhaps a little sad, about the changes.
My therapist says I should give this more time... past the first few weeks of school at least (this begins Week 4) ... before I think I'm totally flipping out and convince her that I need more meds.
But a month ago? I was ready to begin another semester working on my much more manageable Integrated Health Services degree, going to put Nursing off another semester, and that was going to be that. I'd still be a nanny by day, have a fair amount of free time (yet not "free" enough to do anything that big with, of course), and continue living my fun no-rules replication of last year. The "Health Leave" was working for me, I was finally doing better with my nerves. I was ready to start getting back into physical therapy again... Everything had a place, and my life was almost organized.
But we all saw what happened to that one.
I've been reading a 1739-page textbook since Saturday, completing every applicable NCLEX-RN practice questions I can find to get me ready for my Nursing exam in the AM, and I just turned down two new childcare gigs as well as left Little M's family. I'm exhausted, my nerves are on edge, and my mind is beginning to think of "after graduation," like it may actually happen in only a few semesters.
Right now, I feel like I don't have a free half hour to do anything, and I want to so badly. Good news, though, I don't think I wasted my sabbattical. In fact, I took great care of myself, got caught up on many appointments, treatments, etc. that had never been possible but never lost necessity. I got to stay at home and go to Disney World. I got extra close with my mommy and made time for old friends. I feel like I could have lived it up a little more, but I'm by no means disappointed in how it went, or ungrateful for the time that passed. But wow, I miss it. I drive a good hour to Cleveland every Friday and spend 60-100 minutes driving home 10 hours later. I hate that. I'm in four-hour-long lectures that make me wonder what thought they wouldn't be that unbearable. I do enjoy getting back into nursing, but even with my Nurse Teching job I had for almost a year, I'm more confident than ever that I do not want to floor-nurse. I want to go into policy or case management or maybe higher-level nurse management. But the thing about it is, we all have to start somewhere. We all have to pass that Pediatric exam in the morning.
And I just stumbled onto a big amount of money, I won't bore you with details, but it's a little unbelievable right now. I keep thinking what I want to do with it, and all I can think of is things like graduate from school, get through this class as if I had no health obstacles, and of course, get married. But money doesn't buy any of that. So I'll just be grateful for it, and for the special benevience of my father to take care of my education, and well, I'll finish this one of these semesters.
I wish the only thing I had to worry about this week was a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I wish I was more excited about being with my nanny girls (turning 2 this week, and almost 4 weeks) and of course Grey's 2 hour season premier on Thursday! But somehow that's masked with and I seriously have that many more weeks of clinical to go?
I miss a month ago... Life was more simple and pure.
Embrace whatever journey you're on now. Hopefully it will end up being better than you ever dreamed.
It was going so, so well until Fall '08 when I was rear-ended on campus.
Simply put, things spun out of control. Although it was hard, I decided to continue on schedule in the Spring of 2008, and looking back at the end of that semester, I was thriving. Physically, not so much, but I was doing fabulous in the Nursing program, making connections, making a difference, and it felt great.
At the end of the semester, I started interviewing for a Student Nurse Technician position, which I landed at a local city hospital. I don't remember much about that time, but I do know that I would have never guessed I wouldn't come back to campus for over a year after leaving it that spring.
For fall semester, I took Human Physiology at a regional campus in the evenings as I needed that to continue my clinicals and because of my continuing health problems, I struggled with the morning class in the summer and therefore dropped it. I struggled with it in the fall, too, again due to health, but I did eventually get through just fine.
Fall and winter showed increased health obstacles, so during the spring, I took an online course instead of clinicals, Health Care Policy, which I loved.
This Summer began, and I met with my Student Accessibility Services coordinator about special accommodations I would need if I were to restart my clinicals. I figured surely I'd be better by the end of summer, and I got everything all set for restarting them in the Fall. I even added them into my schedule.
When Summer was quickly passing and I was still facing health problems and two separate litigations, I questioned the practicality of my decision to return back to school in a degree track that knows no mercy. I obtained a "second opinion" on my sleep disorder, and after we made zero progress on that front, that's when I started to worry.
I decided to add a 2nd major (in addition to Nursing), Integrated Health Science with a focus in Health Services. A lot of the required courses would transfer from nursing, and the additional courses are within my scope of interest and the degree would be a nice addition into with my nursing career path. I took three online courses this summer, all for the new major - Health Introduction, Human Sexuality, and Sociology of Health and Health Systems - and I did well in all of them.
Meanwhile, Summer was nearing to a close, and I was just getting ready to schedule another round of physical therapy and my first round of acupuncture. Physically, I wasn't doing much, if any, better.
Any time I'd consider my re-entry back to Nursing, I had always thought of it to be a positive experience. I would be certain of my decision, I would be feeling better on all fronts, and I would be convinced it was the right time. This was not "the" time, so I decided it would be best to swap my nursing clinical courses for a few others in my IHS degree program. I was happy to find a great mix of four courses, and I was very pleased with my new fall schedule.
Then came last Saturday. I had off from babysitting, and I can't quite remember what sparked the idea, but I decided to look in our course program online. One thing led to another, and the end result was that my schedule now had clinicals back on it, swapping out the IHS courses and adding in a huge venture I honestly hadn't thought out.
I was very proud of what I did.
Until I thought about it.
Of course, I was going to go back to nursing school, but the condition was only once I felt physically up to it. I was going to make the decision before I ever went back, and I was going to have an entire summer to study, prepare, and just mentally get used to the idea. I was going to be confident with the progress of my sleeping disorder, back problems, and fatigue levels. Like I said a second ago, it was going to be "the" time. I was going to be convinced I was up to it.
Right now, if I had to be black or white on the subject, I'd definitely be closer to doubting my ability than being sure of it.
But hear me out....
I have a semester filled with two clinical courses, each comprised of a 4-hour lecture and a 10-hour clinical, one being in Cleveland. All said events are first thing in the morning, and we're not even discussing how early I have to get up for the clinical rotations. I'm talking hours before sunrise. Hours. I'm not lazy, but I was clinically diagnosed with narcolepsy (the validity could be disputed, but that's the diagnosis...) and as a result, will have to not only hear an alarm to get up, but I will have to take a major stimulant upon waking up if there is any hope of me staying up. The said stimulant makes me shaky, nauseous, tired (but not sleepy), and pretty much enables my body to stay awake while just feeling like a zombie. It's forced wakefulness. It triggers migraines and also anxiety, and I get a panic attack probably half of all the days I take it. (I only take it when I absolutely have to.) It is my most dreaded medication of all, and that's saying something. I have allergic reactions to all similar drugs except for a few newer drugs that I actually get no effect from whatsoever. So bottom line, to stay awake through an early morning lecture or all day clinical, it's all any doctor has for me, and it makes my life miserable.
Then there is my back. I have fibromyalgia, and at the end of a few hours of any activity whatsoever, I usually need a pain patch, a heating pad, a massotherapy session, a Percocet, or a muscle relaxer. When I worked as a nurse technician, 8-hour shifts put me in so much pain that I was on 4-hour shifts when I eventually went on medical leave. I saw an actual back specialist last week (in addition to my pain specialist who treats my fibromyalgia-related back pain) and have yet to hear anything on that. But the physical therapy and acupuncture I was going to start are no longer in the plans since I won't have time if I'm taking my courses and nannying.
In fact, I probably won't get to see my most important specialist while in school since she's now only seeing patients 2 days/week, and of course, they're the two days I'm busy all day.
But back on topic...
I can't forget about that little thing called "end-stage liver disease." Just those words enough usually grant any get-out-of-jail-free pass I'd ever need. And technically, because of my weakened immune system and excessive fatigue, I shouldn't be working in the hospital anyways. One bad germ and that's it for me.
With all this against me though, it's sort of like it makes me want to try harder. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, yes - that, too - but then I think to myself, "No one is making you do this." It's my choice. Completely, totally my choice.
So then I curiously try to attempt to pinpoint why I'm even trying? Afterall, it was my favorite nursing professor who told me years ago, "Amanda, what kind of a nurse are you if you can't first take care of yourself?"
Well, because I want to get married. That's why. I want to get a good job (or not... because I can't even work 4-hour shifts, remember?) and get good insurance so that Jonathan and I can get married. I want to do something big. And yes, maybe a "wrong reason," but I want to prove a few people wrong and make a few other people really, really proud. I don't want to let down myself anymore. I don't want to let down everyone who is rooting for me... every day I find out it was a few more than I ever thought.
I don't know what I'm going to end up doing. My nerves are out of control just thinking about it - as hard as I try not to. (Mannn, am I trying not to!) I really, really hope I at least try. I need to give it a try so that way, I'll never be able to say I didn't at least give it my all. I believe with all of my heart that not trying is worse than trying and failing. I just don't know if I'm even strong enough to try yet... I guess I can fool myself and pretend I am - that has to last a few days at least!
Once again, we have more decisions in this complicated crazy life... the kind that don't have right or wrong answers. The kind I'm quite frankly getting sick of.
Until I change my mind again.... how about you can count me a few extra times in your prayers as lose all of my control and wholeheartedly jump right in and give it a try.
But is trying really losing control? Or gaining it?
The gate is wide The road is paved to moderation The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in Welcome to the middle ground It's safe and sound and Until now it's where I've been
Cuz it's been fear That ties me down to everything But it's been love, Your love That cuts the strings
So long, status quo I think I've just let go You make me wanna be brave The way it always was It's no longer good enough You make me wanna be brave Brave, brave
I am small And I speak when I'm spoken to But I am willing to risk it all To say Your name Just Your name, and I'm ready to go Even ready to fall
Wided-eyed Take this fowl compromise Why did I Try to keep it all inside
I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame And every storm will start with just a drop of rain But if You believe in me That changes everything
The softest things in the world May be harder than the hardest. Soft water can go through the strongest wall. Knowing this, I know the value of calm. Knowing this, I know the value of patience. Knowing ths, I know the value of persistence. . . . . . . . . . . . .Lao Tzu . . . . . . . . . . . .
Most days, I'm trying to practice the calm, while every day, I pray to God for patience and watch as it takes me through, and every day I wake up with persistence - a firm belief that I will do a anything in my power to make this a great day, to make healthy choices, and accept the things I cannot change.
This persisting thing can get pretty tricky, but if you want to keep your soul, heart, mind, or body, you have to keep your guard up and fight to protect it all. Do whatever it takes, you know?
Life's been rough lately. Finals just ended (I think I got an A in all 3 classes! Awesome for the GPA!) And now, everything in the world is going on plus now, big news, the possibility of starting clinicals in the fall (after a year long hiatus!)
Today I'm going to see Dr. Mazanec, a new doctor (just what I need, right?) who is supposedly the best doctor up at Cleveland Clinic for my specific back problems. Yes, I have my pain management doctor, but over time, it seems to be getting worse. I'd like to just get it better so "pain management" (muscle relaxers and opiods, trying to schedule physical therapy in around school) isn't needed AS much, because right now, it's out of control. My doctor does a great job at giving me the tools to manage the pain, but how about just getting rid of the pain? Well we'll see what the doctor says tomorrow. Then I have an ultrasound because of a big spot on my kidney that they "accidentally" found while doing liver scans. My specialist thinks it's a shadow, but we're going to check to make sure. Then I'm secretly hoping inside we'll have time between the two appointments to get lunch at the cafeteria! Cleveland Clinic has great food, or at least as far as I'm concerned. Oh, and their cookies are to die for!! (Make a mental note in case you're ever there!)
Looking ahead, especially if the clinicals work out, I have not the faintest clue of how I'm going to keep seeing all of my doctors since for one, they're all an hour away, and for two, I'll be in classes, clinicals, and nannying the other days. Plus add in things like massotherapy, physical therapy, and - starting on Friday - acupuncture. I know MY health comes first if I ever want to be a nurse, so I'm determined to take the best care of me while still being up to taking my nursing courses. I think that's easier said than done, but I miss my patients all the time so my heart knows where it needs to be. I just need practicality and logic to catch up with that heart. :) I have big dreams, people, and just because I have more diseases than you have fingers, that doesn't mean I won't achieve them. Might take me longer, and I might work harder than most, but I'll get there. You watch.
This week is a ton of crammed-in plans and events and appointments and then Monday evening begins my Genetics course and 2 online courses (am I trying to kill myself again?) plus whatever nursing I can squeeze into my schedule at this point. (But for sure, for sure clinical for 2nd half of semester.) But back to Genetics... I've been putting it off so long that I decided to make myself take it. I'm not excited about it at all, especially since it's an evening class. Yuck. All by Monday, I'm getting books for Nikki and I, organizing parking, schedules, all that fun stuff, AND I'm trying (semi-successfully) to remember to take my meds, get my rest, and try not to get stressed. (Stress = muscles tighten = back hurts BAD. I currently have something in my neck and haven't been able to move it to the left for 3 days now!)
Craaaaaziness! Thankfully my mom is awesome and is so excited about me going back to clinicals. She promised she'd help me with anything I need which helps so much because right now my room is a disaster, I've needed to do laundry for a few weeks now, I need to change the sheets on my bed.... you know, just little stuff that busy people can't seem to ever fit in.
So I'm busy, but blessed.
God give us patience today. Give us calm. Give us persistence. We'll keep on going even though the path looks cloudy up ahead.
I've been so busy lately, but so much fun (and drama...) has been going on!
Nannying, as usual. Little M has stolen my heart - as I knew she would. The girl who would throw tantrums and scream at me now tells her mommy I'm her favorite babysitter ever. On Sunday I found out that I wasn't the only one sad about her going back to preschool in August. Mom told me she couldn't take me away from Little M and asked if I could keep her one afternoon/week. I think you know how the rest of the story goes. The list of kids who have stolen my heart is getting pretty long. Logical? Probably not. Predictable? Most definitely.
No new breaking medical news to report. Surprising, right? Just working on some big, tedious projects and lawsuits that involve record sifting and brain cramming and all kinds of fun like that. My insurance company owes me money, my car wreck has to be taken to court in less than 2 months (or otherwise it's too late to claim), my specialist and I are fighting my insurance company to appeal their denial of my transplant, and I have a few other similar things going on. Oh and there was yesterday. It started innocently enough... some lady on eBay decided she was going to go a little insane with the packing tape. Good packing isn't bad, I guess. BUT In my efforts to get through the tape and into the box with a big pair of scissors, I somehow managed to slice them into and across my left thumb. [Sidenote: Keep in the back of your mind that with my liver disease, I have an extremely low platelet (the stuff in blood that helps it clot) count, meaning when I bleed, it doesn't easily stop. Also because of the platelets, when I get a cut of any sort, it takes many weeks to heal. Because I have a very low amount of white blood cells, I'm at high risk for infection.] I hate to sound all exaggerating, but this cut was most literally just pumping out blood. Of course I applied pressure, and after a few minutes when it wasn't stopping, I called my mom. I was able to get a look at it through the blood, and it was a big half-oval kind of thing meaning there was a deeper gash underneath the flap of skin. I didn't get the impression it was going to stop without putting on a fight, but I didn't want to go to the ER over a tiny cut, so we called my primary care doctors office. They said they couldn't get me in for just over an hour. (Seriously.) They also said they didn't know if they did stitches there or not. (Seriously again.) So we called my insurance to see where we could go since they changed all the urgent care rules. After a disconnection and about a half dozen transfers, we finally reached a lady who gave us the name of an urgent care facility 10 minutes from my house. To make a long story short, we finally got the bleeding to stop (and with no extraordinary measures! yay!) and the doctor cleaned out my cut with betadine and then put Dermabond (a "Super Glue" for skin) all across the cut to seal it closed. He bandaged it up and I was good to go! I've never had real stitches in my life, and I'm thankful that there are so many stitches-alternatives for minor lacerations these days. Right now, my thumb is quietly throbbing a nice aching pain, but it's bandaged well, and I'm relieved I have Dermabond on it because my skin doesn't just heal on its own. Gotta love happy endings. :)
I've spent the last couple of weeks getting in touch with my great-uncle who has been hooking me up with all kinds of genealogy goodies, and last week, my grandma revealed her basement-full of albums that I'm scanning for her. I'm so excited about all of this since I've been meddling in genealogy since Nanna passed away. Plus I just love pictures! :) I must say... my dad was a pretty handsome looking young boy... (snicker snicker)
I'm SO missing my Nana. I think my mom is too because she's been talking about her constantly lately. Poppop comes over for dinner a few nights a week, and without fail, Nana comes up each night. Not that I mind - she has a beautiful legacy - but it still hurts so badly to even say her name. I especially hate when they talk about her last days on earth because I wasn't there. I had a flight all ready to go but my dad wouldn't pay for it thinking Nana would be gone before I got there. Well, Nana lived a few days after that and I never got down. If I had the money, I would have paid it anyways just for a chance to talk to her one more time. To see her face one more time. To touch the lines on her hands one more time. To tell her I loved her (and not on the phone), to tell her that her Mandy Mine was there with her.... one more time. Each day is getting harder, too, because her birthday is 5 days after mine... August 7th. My mom is wanting to make birthday plans for me, but every time I even think of my birthday, my mind instantly goes to Nana. When I see flowers, I think of her. When I go to Macy's and see an outfit she would have worn, I think of her, want to buy it, and then remember she's not here to wear it. Poppop was hoping her headstone would come in by her birthday, and I hope so too. We spent so much time making sure it was the perfect one for her, and as inappropriate as this sounds, I really am excited to see it. Nana deserves to be dignified in that cold ground with a lovely headstone on her birthday. It's really all we can give her, other than flowers. But trust me, there will be flowers. Lots of tear-stained flowers.
On a happier note, last Saturday I threw a graduation luau party for my bestie, Jen! I was trying to make it a surprise, but well, that didn't go over so well so I let her know at the last minute. It all worked out though and was so much fun. I am thrilled that she earned just enough gift money to cover her NCLEX fees! I was hesitant to throw her a party because of my health but all I could think of was how extra hard she worked for this degree, how huge an accomplishment this is for anyone, but moreso for her. She sacrificed everything to get to here, and she did it in 4 years and didn't give up once. I walked the journey with her and knew full well that she, of all people, needed to be honored. Plus, money was an issue with taking her NCLEX, and I wasn't about to let that happen. I figured if all of her friends gave a few bucks, she'd be well on her way to taking the licensure exam. And lastly, parties are just fun. Of course, the biggest reason here was honoring for her for her amazing drive and commitment and sacrifice though, so I talked with my mom and she agreed to help. She said we'd get catering and buy a cake, and my cousin Heather offered to help. A nurse at our church who knows Jen well offered to make food as well, and a few other friends pitched in. For the location, we were able to use (free of charge) the wonderful "clubhouse" at my Poppop's condo facility. Before long, we had a wonderful event coming together, and all of the pieces just fell into place. The party was a hit - everyone who came had fun, and I know for a fact that Jen was shocked and grateful and touched by what we were able to do for her. All of us are blessed to have amazing friends, and I love how we're always there for each other ... even when "being there" just means coming to have fun at a parrrr-tay! :)
On Tuesday, Jonathan and I went to the movies. 3rd time in a month or something, which is beyond a record for us. Before this run, we hardly ever went to movies! Anyways, I scored some advance passes to see "Orphan," and well, neither Jonathan nor I recommend it. It was slow and boring, predictable, and more of a thriller than a horror film. Oh well, screeners are always fun anyways, and who turns down a free movie?
You know what we did on Wednesday? Cleaned out his closet! We fought over a few things and had to do some item trades but overall, it went well and a lot of his out-of-style, have-way-too-many, and too-worn clothes are now being donated to our church yard sale. The Abercrombie & Fitch shirt from like 8 years ago is finally going away!! Fiancee is very excited about all of this. Here's the pile... And the run-down? 15 pairs of pants, 26 sweaters, 20 dress shirts, 15 tshirt, and 1 polo! Hooray!!
School started in full force on Monday. I'm in 3 online classes which are ending up being more like "busy-work classes." Since nursing isn't working out for me at the moment (but it will be... just not at this time), I'm working on Integrated Health Studies, and there's a few dumb classes I have to take to fulfill that - like Health, for example. It's my 5th year in college, Nursing major, and I have to take Health? Give me a break. Then the other 2 are Human Sexuality (it's actually more of a sociology class than anything) and Medical Sociology - 2 upper level classes. You have to have a certain number of "upper level classes" to graduate, and those were the only 2 that were online and applied to my major, so there you go. It's going to be a long 5 weeks!
Today I had Little M and the finger-cutting ordeal. I did have my first-ever chiropractor appointment, but I had to reschedule as I spent my appointment time going to the ER. It might have been a good thing I missed it though because my massotherapist did some intense fascial release on Tuesday and I'm still extremely sore from it. Tonight I have Baby L... my colicky screamer. Then Sunday I can breathe and Little M is going on vacation and my new nanny family (that I have yet to start with) is on vacation too, so Nanny gets a break!! (Aka, a few extra hours to do homework) Hooray! :)
Next week, lots of appointments, helping out at Shannon's VBC, a possible baseball game, then loads of babysitting over the weekend. Oh and school. Forgot about that. Blah.
But it's SATURDAY! No worries on Saturday! Happy Weekend & here's some funneh kittehs....
Jonathan sent me this next video... I told him the answer was NO!!
I am 22 & currently spend my days nannying my itty bitties + going to college (working on my nursing degree, goal: pediatric oncology) & am honored to be a published writer in a nursing anthology & a contributor to many scrapbooking publications. i love hanging with my amazing friends, sister & family. i love my baby puppy haylie brooke and our silly doggie ri-ri. in my rare spare time, i read & get crafty. i thrive on organization, my mac repertoire, learning & absolute fabulosity. my favorite place in the world is paris. my favorite color is pink. i love being a nurse & i believe each one of my patients is precious. i'm a night owl & wish my lifestyle promoted such habits. i like lazy jammie days. i believe in god and am thankful for his hand on my life. i believe that life is too short to be anything but happy, & i’m thankful that a chronic liver disease + the effects of a car accident have taught me important values that most people learn far too late. i hope that the world will find hope, and my idea of a good day is one in which i made someone smile :)
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