I've known death for many years now, more than I can remember.
Whenever someone at church passed away, Mom would dress her tiny girls in their little dresses, white tights, and black patent leather shoes. She would do our hair really pretty, and then our family of four would head off to the funeral home. On the way, Mom and Dad would go over etiquette as if we had never known manners in our lives. They just wanted to make sure we were on our "best behavior." And we were. We would hold their hands as we stood in line to see the body, and while Mom and Dad shared their regards, we would sweetly smile and return any hugs given to us. As we walked out the room, we couldn't help but notice the people crying, the sadness, the atmosphere. Though out the doors, it was easily forgotten. Afterall, it was a sunny, beautiful day and we would go home and run through the sprinkler or play with our dolls. Meanwhile, a family's world had been shaken upside down.
Years passed and we began to understand.
I think death is one of those things that you wish you never got old enough to really know... And once you know it, you never forget when it strikes.
My aunt's mom, "Mrs. Coger" was like a grandma to me. She came to all of our family events and had such a sweet spirit. She made me feel special, and I loved to talk to her. I don't remember too much about her, but I do remember her love. She always carried such a peace with her too... She died on September 11th, 2001. Her funeral was the first one I really remember, maybe because I absolutely lost it when I saw her in the casket, or maybe because I was old enough by then to realize what it meant. Either way, I still miss her sweet spirit and gentle smile.
Then there was my parent's friend, we called him "Uncle Phil." He got sick at my graduation party and we later found out it was multiple mylenoma. For years, it slowly drained all the life out of him, and we were glad when his suffering ended. Yet even when he was in the worst pain, serving others was his priority. I remember one time he had just finished a treatment and was sitting poolside with a hat on. I was in the pool and my leg cramped up. I didn't say anything, but he knew something was wrong. I told him nothing was wrong, but as weak as he was, he got up and said, "Well I'm getting in anyways." Thankfully, my leg released and I showed him as I told him to sit back down. Then there was the time my doctor thought seeing an oncologist might help with my blood levels affected from my liver disease. While I waited in the waiting room, alone, the door opened. It was Phil. First I was embarrassed for him to see me there, and then I felt awful because I knew how upset he'd be knowing I was seeing a blood/cancer doctor. We said hello and he asked if everything was okay, and I told him it was. Worrying about me was the last thing he needed, but it was probably the first thing he did. Funny... we were all worrying about him. It rained at his funeral, absolutely poured. It was a cold, October day, and the wind and water chilled us to the bone. My parents were out of town, and I went home to a lonely house. I couldn't get warmed up no matter how many layers of clothes I put on, so I started the fire and sat and shivered until my little guys Bryce and Declan came over to go trick-or-treating. While the fire crackled, I remember yelling at God for taking him. Well, not for taking him but for letting him suffer so long before taking him. But if someone, even one person, came to God from his life, then Phil would have wanted to die. He was like that. But either way, why the years of one of the worst, most ravenous types of cancer? I hate myself for wanting to ask God that.
A decade or two ago, we gladly accepted Grandpa into our lives and shared baseball games, western movies, and fun family times... He didn't say much, but when he did, it was so funny. We loved that guy... and just like that, lung cancer, and he was taken away. He died after a long fight in the hospital, and I won't forget the day they took his IV out. My mind put the pieces together - no IV meant no hydration, nutrition, no IV meds... I'm not one to break down in public, but that's when I finally believed Grandpa was going to die. My grandma held me in the hospital hallway for what felt like an hour as I just sobbed and sobbed. Grandpa still lived for weeks after that, though. Our family stood guard on the oncology wing of the hospital, sharing all kinds of shifts, for weeks. The docors didn't know what he was holding on for, and we never found out. Completely not expecting it, I got the news that he was going fast while I was in Anatomy & Physiology class. I remember driving to the hospital begging God to let me see him one more time. I finally arrived, parked, ran inside the hospital, ran to the elevators, ran to his room, and there was my whole family. My Uncle shook his head as his eyes met mine. He was gone. I looked at Grandma and the only empty seat in the room was beside her, so I sat down. We embraced. I then noticed Grandma was holding his hand like she wouldn't let go. A few minutes passed and just like that, she got a disgusted look on her face, turned to me and said, "He's cold." She got up and left. That was it. Grandpa was gone.
Then there was a girl at church just a little older than me. She had the same name as me, and although I never really knew her, I was well aware of what we shared in common. I'd watched her my entire life. She had cystic fibrosis and always inspired me by coming to church even when I saw the pain swelling up in her eyes. She always wore a black dress suit... I'll never forget that. She was in so much pain, yet she wanted to look nice for God's house. She was beautiful for that. Watching her battle with CF was awful. It was up and down, up and down for years, and of course, she eventually had to succumb to it. I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news (Muppet Vision 3D in Disney World, last May) and I cried. When I saw her in the casket, I cried again. That could have been me. I thanked God for ending her pain and realized yet again how fragile life is. And then I asked God why he took her, too, like Phil. While He let them suffer for years before taking them. If it's our time to die, okay, I get that. But then why does it sometimes come with the most tragic, painful, atrocious sufferings the world has to offer? Why doesn't God stop it? I know He can. But as I said, I hate myself for even questioning Him on it. The Word says, His ways are higher than our ways, His thoughts higher than ours.
And I remember my precious Nana died almost a year ago to the date. January 28, 2009. Maybe a year prior, we were out to lunch (like we always did) and while she was going on about her aches and pains, she addressed death for the first time in front of me. She said it'd be easier than being the old lady she was, with all of her problems. I interrupted her and told her to stop. I said, "Nana, you are not going to die. Don't you want to see me walk down the aisle? Don't you want to hold your great grandbabies?" That stopped her for a little while, but I guess it was just her time to go. Nana & Poppop are "snowbirds" so when they went down to Florida in October 2008, never in a million years would I think Poppop would come home early - with Nana in a casket. In fact, the thought of it now even makes me sick. I had the relationship with my Nana that most people can only dream of. I won't write too much here since I have pages and pages of memories on earlier posts, but she was one of my favorite people in the world. She got me, and I got her. She took pride in teaching her "Mandy Mine" a good portion of everything I know. She was classy, beautiful, and loving. Now, approaching the anniversary of her death, it takes my breath away to see my mom missing her so badly because I'm sure her very own daughter would miss her more than her granddaughter - and I miss her like the going-to-vomit can't-stop-crying take-the-pain-away type missing. It's been a year, and although it doesn't feel as overbearing, it hasn't lost its entire heaviness, and it definitely hurts like crazy. Her life was a big one in every way, and there is no way any of it is going to be forgotten anytime soon. I still cry for her so hard I feel like my stomach will come up through my mouth - death is hard. But thank God, I know I'll see her again someday. I can't wait, I really can't.
Then last night, less than 24 hours ago, God took a friend of mine. His name was Gregory, and his sister was Leslie. They moved here from Chicago and we went to church together. Our families became friends, and then in the beginnig part of 2008, the doctors found out Greg had a brain tumor. He went from worse to miraculously better to spiraling downhill fast. His parents, sister, and various friends from church stayed at his bedside every day of these last years. Yes, a lot of us from Akron went to Chicago just to cheer up a friend. That's the good kind of friendship, I'm sure of it. A bunch of his Ohio friends even surprised him with a party in Chicago (that made the news!) for his 20th birthday. But now he's gone, and again, we are wondering why he was in such constant suffering only to die. I know he's enjoying heaven, and although I'm not feeling my best right now, I know I need to go be with his family in Chicago. Friends get each other through stuff like this. Friends and God. There will be so much of both this coming weekend, I'm sure.
And to think this is all just a normal part of this crazy miracle called life...
The Notebook is on TV tonight. We have it on DVD, but for some reason watching it on TV is good, too. It's one of my favorite stories - boy meets girl, dad says girl too good for boy, boy and girl split up, think about each other forever... until they meet again and fall back in love. Something like that.
But anyways, for some reason I liked this scene tonight...
"Say I'm a bird!"
To feel that free. To dance around in the water, making no sense at all, and enjoying every minute of it. Wanting everyone else to join in and experience what you're feeling. Free.
I don't feel free right now. I feel chained down to a degree I'm resultingly becoming apathetic towards, chained down to some place a thousand miles from my comfort zone, forced to throw every free moment or feeling of freedom far away. I feel chained down to a relationship that should be deeper, and would be deeper, farther, if it weren't for us being chained down. Rules, regulations, traditions, status quos. Complete crap if you ask me. Why can't I get this degree on my time? Why am I "late," "slow," when really this is the best I can do? Why can't the truest, deepest love produce cash, securities, and benefits? Why can't unsurpassable, deep, yearning love equal marriage, true togetherness? Why is it all about money? Jobs. Obligations. And why do other people have to be so opinionated? Why do we tread carefully, trying not to let our loved ones down? Why do strangers look at us with confused eyes? I'd perform better for them, for me, for us, if I wasn't chained down. If I was free. Like a bird, like a butterfly, like a dream.
According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right. According to you I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind. I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life. According to you. According to you.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head. According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted. Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose. He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.
According to you I'm boring, I'm moody, you can't take me any place. According to you I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away. I'm the girl with the worst attention span; you're the boy who puts up with that. According to you. According to you.
But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head. According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted. Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what I got to lose. He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.
I need to feel appreciated, like I'm not hated. oh-- no--. Why can't you see me through his eyes? It's too bad you're making me decide.
According to me you're stupid, you're useless, you can't do anything right. But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head. According to him I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted. Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it, baby tell me what I got to lose. He's into me for everything I'm not, According to you. According to you.
According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right.
Here in America, if you're watching TV, you're likely watching the "Help For Haiti Now" telethon which is on just about every channel.
CMT News:
Hope for Haiti Now: A Global Benefit for Earthquake Relief has announced the addition of new musical artists and celebrity participants to its lineup -- with Beyoncé in London, Madonna in New York City, and Haitian artist Emeline Michel in Los Angeles.
The telethon will air Friday (Jan. 22) at 8 p.m. ET/PT.
Madonna, Beyoncé and Michel join the previously announced lineup: Wyclef Jean, Bruce Springsteen, Jennifer Hudson, Mary J. Blige, Shakira and Sting (in New York City), Alicia Keys, Christina Aguilera, Dave Matthews, John Legend, Justin Timberlake, Stevie Wonder, Taylor Swift, and a group performance by Keith Urban, Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow (in Los Angeles) and Coldplay and a group performance by Bono, the Edge, Jay-Z and Rihanna in London.
In addition to the musical performances, Wyclef Jean, George Clooney and CNN's Anderson Cooper will be joined by former President Bill Clinton, Ben Stiller, Brad Pitt, Chris Rock, Clint Eastwood, Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, Jon Stewart, Julia Roberts, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Meryl Streep, Morgan Freeman, Nicole Kidman, Robert Pattinson, Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Hanks, Will Smith with Muhammad Ali and more than 100 of the biggest names in film, television and music.
Music performances from Hope for Haiti Now will be available for purchase and download at the iTunes Store. Beginning on Friday (Jan. 22), iTunes customers will be able to exclusively preorder both the Hope for Haiti Now full performance album ($7.99) and the full two-hour video telecast ($2.99). Preorders will be delivered in the days following the telethon. Individual audio performances will also be available for purchase and download for 99 cents each in the days following the telethon. Apple, the record labels and the artists will donate their share of the proceeds to Haiti relief funds managed by Hope for Haiti Now charities.
Hope for Haiti Now performances will also be available for purchase on AmazonMP3 and Rhapsody, with distribution provided by INgrooves. Proceeds from those purchases will also benefit Haiti relief funds managed by Hope for Haiti Now charities.
Hope for Haiti Now will benefit Oxfam America, Partners in Health, the Red Cross, UNICEF, United Nations World Food Programme, Yele Haiti Foundation, and the newly-formed Clinton Bush Haiti Foundation. Proceeds from Hope for Haiti Now will be split among each organization's individual funds for Haiti earthquake relief. With the exception of the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund, each partner organization was selected for its history of operation and collaboration within the NGO community in Haiti.
Hope for Haiti Now will air across ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, CNN, BET, The CW, HBO, MTV, VH1, CMT, PBS, TNT, Showtime, COMEDY CENTRAL, Bravo, E! Entertainment, National Geographic Channel, Oxygen, G4, CENTRIC, Current TV, Fuse, MLB Network, EPIX, Palladia, SoapNet, Style, Discovery Health, Planet Green, CNN en Español, HBO Latino, and Canadian networks including CBC Television, CTV, Global Television and MuchMusic.
In addition, the event will be live streamed online globally across sites including YouTube, Hulu, MySpace, Fancast, AOL, MSN.com, Yahoo, Bing.com, BET.com, CNN.com, CMT.com, MTV.com, VH1.com and Rhapsody and on mobile via Alltel, AT&T, Sprint, Verizon and FloTV. Hope for Haiti Now will also air internationally on BET International, CNN International, National Geographic and MTV Networks International, which is available in 640 million homes worldwide. Hope for Haiti Now will be available non-exclusively to all terrestrial radio stations around the globe and Sirius XM Radio as a one-time-only radio broadcast via the MTV Radio Network and Westwood One.
Hope for Haiti Now will begin accepting donations Friday (Jan. 22) at 12 p.m. ET/9 a.m. PT via the following methods: Online: http://www.hopeforhaitinow.org Phone: (877) 99-HAITI Text: Text "GIVE" to 50555 Mail: Hope for Haiti Now Fund, Entertainment Industry Foundation, 1201 West 5th Street, Suite T-700, Los Angeles, CA 90017
You've all read the news, seen the photos, viewed the footage on the evening news. Haunting, absolutely devastatingly haunting. Read these journals by Dr. Mark Hyman for the Huffington Post if you want a raw, true account. Unbelievable, isn't it?
All the photos, the videos, they can be heavy, but then again, we know our God is touching these people in amazing ways. Unfortunately, some of us are apathetic - it's easy to ignore a disaster that hit miles and miles away - and others don't believe in hope for one reason or another, but beneath the dead bodies, orphaned children, and moonlight tears, there is this:
Barely past a week ago, a small country woke up. The people began their daily routines. Perhaps like you and I did this morning? They went about their days. Most were in poverty, but they tried to make ends meet. Little did they know what the next few hours held for them: an earthquake, striking their entire country into ultimate devastation.
Who says that couldn't have happend to us? We wake up every day expecting a normal day. Unfortunately, disaster can, and does, strike. These beautiful people could have been us. They could have been you, me, our parents, friends, coworkers...
Let these images from LIFE speak for themselves. Click to see the image bigger so you can see every bit of desperation, charity, teamwork, hope, and defeat. (Yes, there are graphic images, but challenge yourself to come out of your comfort zone and really see what these people are going through.)
I know how so many of us feel hopeless when we see the magnitude of such a disaster, so many miles away. We're here, they're there. We can't bring water, help build housing, or carry orphans to orphanages in the US. We can't even hold them while they cry, wipe away their tears.
These global catastrophes really make my problems seem so small. My heart reaches out to these people, and below I'll list some ways I'm helping. I'd love it if you'd join me! We call can give up that cup of coffee or extra cute shoes. :) The best part? Everyone can help. A simple prayer could make a difference or save a life. If you want to donate money, it doesn't have to be a lot! Read this piece by Suze Ornman - Even your spare change can inspire someone else to give, to help these poor devastated people. A very good place to donate your money is Compassion International. They're a Christian group that connects me with my "adopted" (sponsored) daughter in Nicaragua. Millions of people, through Compassion, sponsor needy children in the most desolate areas. I've been with them for nearly a year, and this group is high up on those lists that rank how much of your money actually goes to charity (as in, not the CEO's bank account). Many of the sponsors had children in Haiti, so this is extra devastating to all of us. Some sponsors are without the children they've helped raise through donations that provided learning, clean food/water, safety, etc. Very sad.
Another site I'm really looking at is Hope for Haiti. It's a site where one woman's great idea turned into earning thousands of dollars for Haiti. Each post has something from a sponsor company (jewelry, gift certificate to their store, cosmetics, blog redesign, experiences, you name it) and each item has a raffle. Buy as many "raffle tickets" as you'd like, and you might win the item you want! All items are donated, and all profits go to Haiti. Who said one person couldn't change the world?
Please do something. Do many things, or do one thing. Say a prayer, or pray every day. Everything counts for these precious people. This could have happened to anyone...
I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 weeks! Of course a lot of things have happened. I'll post on them later as I get pictures done, thoughts together, etc., but today was a big day for me. Today, I went back to school, spring semester, to get through one more semester of clinicals. So far, this has been not one bit easier than last semester was when I found the strength to return in the first place. It's actually harder because I spent a couple of my Christmas break weeks sick with different things, and right now I am just feeling run-down and exhausted.
So today, I went to school and tried. I almost fell asleep several times (and that was on the stimulants I have prescribed) and I wondered on about two dozen various occassions, "When did we ever cover that?" (Answer: "Duh, Amanda, when your brain was in a zillion pieces after your car accident.") I left feeling inadequate, unprepared, and too weak mentally to get going in our only 5-credit hour clinical (aka, this class counts, and for a lot!)
Tomorrow, I'll try again, and I will next Monday, too. And even when I have my first clinical - 12 1/2hours with a one hour drive each way - I will continue to try with all of my heart.
My plan is, if I try my hardest until our first exam and if I just cannot grasp all the information when I'm suffering with this much pain (the last 3 weeks have been unbelievable), then I will drop the course and wait to start Geriatrics/Rehab in March. It's a full clinical day and two days of lecture, but after a break of a few weeks, it shouldn't be anything to worry about.
But I'm a pusher, I'm a trier, nothing unlike me there. Just this time, this is a bigger try than I like to have. This is a try out of my comfort zone, but try I still will.
Tonight, I felt like coming home and ripping my biggest class out of my schedule but then I thought how carefully it was placed there probably by God himself. I was able to get a coveted seat in the program, I was able to get my 1-day (vs. 2) clinical, and although it's too far to drive to, I also nailed a rare spot at the Cleveland Clinic - a wonderful place to learn. This goes for 7-8 weeks and then I begin the next rotation, and I'm balancing 2 online courses on top of it. Online classes have the technology now to accomplish anything you can in a classroom, which means "online classes are such a joke!" no longer applies. In fact, I wish I was only taking clinicals and no other classes because it's a lot to balance. Or the comparatively easy road - just online classes and no lecture/clinical. Will I ever feel "up" to clinicals? I really want to hope so! And by all means, if I had that promise in front of me today, I'd stop what I was doing, move this clinical out of my way to take later, and do whatever else I could to fill the time between then and now. But I'm a realist. I can't sit and shovel the same classes around and around in circles for the end of time. I sort of did that with Human Physiology. A poorly timed class (literally and figuratively!) and a terrible professor left me with two "withdrawls" on my transcript, which anyone in acadamia will warn "Withdrawls are the curse!" but really, if you're holding a strong GPA, employers don't really care. At least in this field, my field, nursing.
I should have known when I had a nice week or so during break that it would be gone soon. I did know it, though, I really did. It was so amazing to feel capable of breathing air in a somewhat sustainable pattern, and I tried to hold onto those moments until spring semester would dance before my eyes.
So today was Day 1. What I really want to do is scream, "Okay, I DID it, I TRIED!!! Are you HAPPY now?!?!?!" as I fiercely throw my course materials to the wind and literally remove my name from the roster. BUT. The word try is inspiring me, as are the words of my friend Tom Golarz, so I will try. Like it or not. And I will try tomorrow. Over the weekend. Monday, and then Tuesday, first clinical. More lectures, clinicals, then Exam 1. Then we shall re-evaluate all the components, all the issues, all the pros and cons. Because if you left it to me, I'd follow my heart. I'd have taken this course a year ago and might be dead from what all these strenuous courses have stolen from me, but at least I'd have the one thing I know I worked harder than anyone else in the world to obtain.
And even if I don't have that, I do have the one I know God made just for me, and quite honestly, that's the only thing I need. God, and my soulmate.
Does that make all the previous irrelevant? No! Would I be lost without what I believe is my true calling? Yes! The degree to be a nurse is a huge need as well, something our society interlaces with achievement, success, and in my case, safe patient care. Nurses are vital to healthcare reform, for spontaneous nursing care, to perform in-depth techniques, to mediate, to guard, to give hope to the hopeless. One day I'll get there, but for the point I'm trying to make here, I can't say my life honestly depends on whether or not I take a few more courses to get me a license to get me a job.
I am 22 & currently spend my days nannying my itty bitties + going to college (working on my nursing degree, goal: pediatric oncology) & am honored to be a published writer in a nursing anthology & a contributor to many scrapbooking publications. i love hanging with my amazing friends, sister & family. i love my baby puppy haylie brooke and our silly doggie ri-ri. in my rare spare time, i read & get crafty. i thrive on organization, my mac repertoire, learning & absolute fabulosity. my favorite place in the world is paris. my favorite color is pink. i love being a nurse & i believe each one of my patients is precious. i'm a night owl & wish my lifestyle promoted such habits. i like lazy jammie days. i believe in god and am thankful for his hand on my life. i believe that life is too short to be anything but happy, & i’m thankful that a chronic liver disease + the effects of a car accident have taught me important values that most people learn far too late. i hope that the world will find hope, and my idea of a good day is one in which i made someone smile :)
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