I was so relieved when 2006 ended. I just knew 2007 would be better.
I was wrong.
I decided to give hope a chance, and at the close of 2007, I decided 2008 was going to be better.
Once again, I was wrong.
Each year gets harder. I get older, and I face newer problems as my old problems worsen. The new exacerbates the old, the old exacerbates the new, and right now? I'm in the craziest state I think I've ever been in. I'm tired. I'm beaten down. I'm wondering how much more I can handle.
But once again, I'm giving hope a chance.
2009 will be better. It will, it just will.
Life is what we make it. It's about what we do with our circumstances and whether or not we choose to prevail. We can't control much, but we must be determined to do the best with what we do have control over. And we must be determined to remember that we're stronger than we think we are, and above all, an incomprehensible strength is holding us up while our wings are mending.
So, closing a year full of heartache and joy, new life and goodbyes, renewed strength and unexpected defeats, here's to 2008 and, amazingly, here is a bright hope for 2009.
We can do this.
Embrace your memories, the good and the bad. They help shape who we are. Learn from mistakes, grow from hardships, and proceed with your chin up and your mangled soul encouraged.
Break down the walls that are you think are keeping the horror out. Yes, they might be serving your purpose well, but do you realize how much goodness and joy lies right behind them? Bad isn't as bad when you have extra good on your side. :)
So lean on God, lean on your friends and family, hold tight onto hope - as meager as it may be - and believe in yourself. Believe in love. Believe in life.
Welcome, 2009
*~*
O Love beyond Compare,
Thou art good when thou givest, when thou takest away, when the sun shines upon me, when night gathers over me. Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world, and in love didst redeem my soul; Thou dost love me still, in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust. Thy goodness has been with me another year, leading me through a twisting wilderness, in retreat helping me to advance, when beaten back making sure headway. Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead; I hoist sail and draw up anchor, With thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past. I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead. If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation, < span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);"> thou wilt be with me in them; If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation, I shall not drown; If I am to die, I shall see thy face the sooner; If a painful end is to be my lot, grant me grace that my faith fail not; If I am to be cast aside from the service I love, I can make no stipulation;
Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,
Found this post I never finished last year, so I thought it'd be appropriate to post last year's answers along with this year's answers.... extra reflection. :) Feel free to join in.
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? i got engaged... definitely never did that one before! ;-)
2008: Started a true healing journey from fears I've had since the age of 5. Gave up control. Things like that.
2. What are your New Years Resolutions? to be a better person in every area of my life
To live what matters. To not sweat the small stuff. To be free to write my own life story - not live according to what is expected, assumed, or easy.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth in 2007? no, which is good, cuz i have lots of itty bitties that keep me super busy as it is! although i desperately want a flower girl......... someone PLEASE adopt a 2 year old princess!!!
Hmm... the "closest" is probably little Maddie - baby girl to good friends of Jonathan and I. :) We like to hang out and I forsee some serious doll playing, piggy painting, shopping, etc. when she's just a little bit older!! :)
4. Did anyone close to you die? not in 2007, thankfully.
Don't think so. The past few years are such a blur...
5. What countries did you visit? the united states of america. stayed close to home this year.
Same again. Just travel here in the US.
6 What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? a more stable income
More hope, strength, and unwavering faith
7. What date(s) in 2007 will remain etched in your memory and why? may 5th because i let someone close to me inside my shell, june 16 because it's the day i told jonathan we should get engaged, and july 17th because that is the day i made the commitment to give my heart away and begin my forever <3
the entire year. every day was the same struggle as always, nothing too eventful.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? getting into nursing school! woo!
surviving.
9. What was your biggest failure of 2007? spending 125 more unnecessary days behind a formidable wall
No failures, just growth, traveling on the journey... it's good and bad and it's all part of the crazy miracle.
10. Did you suffer any illness or injury? i suffered a diagnosis of pulmonary avms and chronic dysphasia, i got my wisdom teeth extracted in august, and i was in a car accident 9/6
New diagnoses of malrotation, hiatal hernia, narcolepsy, EDS, PTSD. Facing fears I've held for awhile. Still struggling with about 2 dozen illnesses/diseases. Determined to let it make me stronger.
11. What was the best thing someone bought you? a diamond ring!!!
Bought? Buying, money... it's all overrated.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? jonathan
My mom
13. Whose behavior appalled and depressed you? let's keep this nice
Same as last year...
14. Where did most of your money go? everywhere it shouldnt have!! crafts... clothes... etsy.com, ebay, amazon (books!!)
Funny how some things never change!!
15. What did you get really, really excited about? Getting engaged!!
I wish I could think of one thing...
16. What song(s) reminds you of 2007? [no answer]
Broken - Lifehouse
17. Compared to last year are you... a.) Happier or Sadder? Happier Same? But different? Hard to explain. b.) Thinner or Fatter? Thinner Thinner c.) Richer or Poorer? Poorer Same?
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Relaxing
Savoring
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Hiding Struggling
20. How did you spend Christmas? With my fiance!
Same. With my fiance, friends, and family. The best place in the world!!
21. Did you fall in love in 2007 Truly from the bottom of my heart
Yes because I really don't think love has a depth. I'm amazed by how much more I fall in love every second of every day. It's beautiful.
22. How many one night stands did you have? None!
Stupid question. I'm truly, madly, deeply in love with my one and only, my love of nearly 4 1/2 years.
23. What was your favorite TV program? Need I say... GREY'S ANATOMY!
Grey's still, and Private Practice!
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't this time last year? Of course not
Nope
25. What was the best book you read? I am embarrassed to admit I did not finish a single book cover to cover. I have a bad problem of starting books, getting about 1/2-3/4 through and getting bored.
"A Grief Observed" by CS Lewis
26. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? I turned 20 on August 2nd and I really have no idea what I did. Honestly. Maybe I was in Chicago? No clue.
I don't remember. 21. And I don't remember...
27. What was your best musical discovery? [no answer]
Spa channel on Sirius radio!! haha And lots of new indie loves <3
28. What did you want and get? A diamond ring!
Love
29. What was your favorite film of the year? Evening
Breakfast at Tiffany's
30. What did you want and not get? A Wacom Bamboo
A husband.
31. What one thing would've made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting married, but the timing is not right. Yet.
A husband. The love is so deep, perfect, complete... but life just doesn't want to let it happen. It kills me inside.
32. How would you describe your fashion concept for 2007? Comfy to the hundredth power! And a serious jewelry obsession
You should be glad I got out of bed, so no whining about my yoga pants, Sketchers brown/pink shoes, cute top, and zip-up hoodie. :)
33. What kept you sane? My fiance, my mom, and my fab bestie Jen!
Same! And different people at different times. Various friends and even my bestest cousin-friend Heather! :)
34. Which celebrity or public figure did you admire most? Mother Theresa
I respect Sarah Palin for how she perceives her youngest son and persevered against adversity. I admire Saint Gianna for saying it's okay to do what you know is right, to fulfill a passionate love-produced dream, even if everyone else thinks it's wrong. I really admire a lot of people for many reasons, so this could go on forever.
35. What political issue stirred you most? Anything involving rape and domestic abuse. It's so sickening.
Yes that, and stem cell research. The horrendous abuse of females in other countries. Healthcare in America. The election.
36. Who/what do you miss? Grandpa and my "Uncle" Phil
The faith of a child
37. Who was the best new person you met? Meg-O!
My therapist who keeps me sane! lol
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned. So many
I cannot possibly list every second of every day. Each is a gift, and each bears a lesson.
39. Quote a song line that defines your year. 2007: "The Story" by Brandi Carlile
2008: Be OK, Keep Breathing, Giving Up - Ingrid Michaelson. SO many more!!
I love SwapBot. It's so fun to join various "swaps" with people all over the world. Click over for more info, but here is a swap I just participated in. A 30 question survey, email swapped with 10 people. Lots of new friends! :) Here are my answers, albeit a little late. Gotta love life, right?
The swap is over now, but feel free to jump in and post your answers on your blog! :)
1. What's your full name? Amanda :)
2. Who are you named after? A great-grandmother on my dad's side.
3. What characteristics should your man/husband have? He is everything I never realized I desperately needed. 4 years ago, my answer would be completely different, but today, I know better. My fiance is dedicated, fun, compassionate, honest, wise, gentle, and easy-going.
4. Do you believe in love of the first sight? Yes and no. Yes in the respect that it does exist, but most of the time we are too set in our own ways to see it. And no because we usually have to overcome ourselves to let it in, to crush the walls that keep it out. I DO believe, however, that when you've found true love, you'll know it. It will go deeper than anything you've ever felt before. It will change you, rock your world and cause you to never ever see anything the same again.
5. Could you imagine a life without children? I can, but it breaks my heart
6. Who's the baby in the family when it comes to getting sick? Any male
7. What did you want to grow up to be when you were a child? A doctor, an attorney, a personal trainer, a CEO, an artist, a writer.... I was very open-minded. ;-) Now I'm in nursing, but the goal is just to be in healthcare and change lives.
8. What would be the worst thing that could happen to you? Not being with the one I love
9. What is your profession? A student trying to find the best path for me to use my experiences to change the world
10. Are you an organized person? Unbelievably so. But sometimes life has a way of preventing you from being who you really are deep inside...
11. If you could go anywhere for vacation where would it be? Back to Paris. I want to show my favorite city on the earth to the one I love. :)
12. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? Near my family in a moderate-climate area. Definitely not a place with weather as finicky as Ohio!
13. What is your new years resolution for 2009? To try harder, to be stronger, to make 2008 the last year I barely survive and make 2009 the first year I truly fly
14. When are you most likely to lie? Lying is never appropriate, and it always ends up hurting someone, so I just don't do it.
15. Whats your biggest fear? #8
16. Which characteristic do you despise in other people? Superficiality, dishonesty, apathy, intolerance
17. What's your worst feature? I don't think anyone has a "worst" feature. We're all works in progress
18. If you could change something about yourself, what would it be? I'd be less afraid, a little stronger, and content in everything. I'd be inspirational and encouraging as a fighter who never gave up.
19. What do you think about Barack Obama? I stay away from political discussions, but I will say that I am so happy that the 2008 election showed that a good part of our country is growing out of racial and gender prejudice. Not even close to where we should be, but we're on the path. I wish President Obama guidance as he takes on this enormous position.
20. How do you want to die? Happy and content
21. Which talent do you wish to have? Can't really think of anything...
22. What is your most precious possession? What's in my heart. Every piece of this journey, every love, every thought, every encounter... it is all worth more than anything in the world
23. Who are your favorite writers? Anyone who knows what they're talking about. People who aren't ashamed to tell their story. And I'm not a major fiction person, but in that genre, I prefer things like Jodi Picoult and the occasional Nicolas Sparks indulgence. ;-)
24. What is your favorite book? This can change daily. But off the top of my head, the Bible, CS Lewis "A Grief Observed" and Jon & Stasi Eldredge "Captivating"
25. For what do you feel sadness? The state of the world today, all of the broken hearts, the questions without answers
26. Which living person do you admire? My mom
27. Which living person do you mostly detest? I do not detest. I choose to forgive and accept the fact that we are all trying the best that we can.
28. What is your favorite quote? I have so many. I'm ridiculously addicted to beautiful words. But here's a couple off the top of my head: {And now let us welcome the new year - full of things that have never been - Rainer Maria Rilke} {To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless. - GK Chesterton} {Love yourself - accept yourself - forgive yourself - and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things. - Dr. Leonardo Buscaglia} {Nunc scio quit sit amor - Virgil}
29. What do you do to help the environment? I love Freecycle, and I give things away to friends/charities/etc. instead of throwing them away. I try not to leave lights on and don't drive much. I'm not super "green" but I do try!!
30. Why do you swap? Because it's fun to meet new people and see glimpses of their lives. We are all in this together, we are all just humans at the core trying to make it on this crazy miraculous ride we call life. :)
Tonight, I have no words. In over my head as usual, only this time I'm still on my way down. So while I gasp for air and recoup my thoughts, I am honored to present a few borrowed words from my cousin Heather. She posted this beautiful poem on her blog last week, and then she later told me it was inspired by the two of us.
See, we all have pain, yes, but Heather and I share something a little extra in common: as tiny innocent children, our hearts endured excruciating, life-altering, world-shattering heartache. Although she's a decade older than me and our obstacles were completely unrelated and from different aspects, essentially, we are both survivors of childhood trauma.
But all pain is pain at the core, and I know so many of us are weak tonight. Hurting in so many different ways, we are pressing on with whatever strength we have left. I guess all I can say to myself and to you, my friends, is keep going, keep trying, keep fighting for your life... and here's a little encouragement to get you through whatever it is that is suffocating your breath and crushing your heart. Read and be blessed. Courtesy of Heather, of course. :)
Bring me your fears, your sorrow, your pain Let the darkness of night surround you and dry your tears May you find peace if only for tonight in the stillness that is now
May you be lifted from deep within the oceans of dispair and confusion Where there is no comfort, no answers and you're sinking deeper into its depths
I pray your mind will return you back to the time when joy was all you knew Before childhood was ubruptly ripped from you A time without pain or sorrow, before the scars, the complications
May you find comfort in the quietness, the stillness around you Let those unanswered questions go if just for tonight
May you find rest tonight, my midnight child As your sweet head lays gently on your pillow May your heart, your soul be still
In the style of Indie Fixx's An Indie Holiday Story, here's my take on the 8 Christmas questions. Feel free to join in and post a link back to your blog! :)
1. Your favorite holiday tradition. Hmmm... this is a tough one. Cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning, our annual Christmas picture (I think the "outtakes" are sometimes than the "keeper"!), Grandma's house, Mom's cookies (and the dough!!), waiting for Santa..... There are so many!
2. Your favorite cookie recipe. Ahh, I do not reveal my recipes. I add a sprinkle of Amanda special-ness and that's why mine are the BEST. Sorry. ;-)
3. Share a story behind a special ornament on your tree. Nikki and I have tons of ornaments because every year of our lives, we'd choose a new ornament. An "A" or "N" would go on the bottom along with the year. Mom and Dad's plan was to make sure we'd have lots of special ornaments to take with us when we grew up and had families of our own. Of course, we also have the ornaments we'd make at school or church and those are so special to me, too. A few favorites are my Disney Princess ornaments, my handmade Haylie pawprint ornament, and the one I made at church when I was 2 - it has a picture of me in the middle back when I had little blonde curls and had yet to experience life at its hardest
4. All you want from Santa is….? Nothing Santa could bring makes much difference. Christmas is not about gifts, and everything I want the most cannot come from Santa or money anyways. I did get lots of fun stuff this year though... Just not my heart's deepest wishes. But I think that's how it always goes, right?
5. Your favorite Christmas movie and why? Hmm..... I like the Family Stone because it's more serious. Christmas movies are usually so superficial and cheesy. I do like the Muppets Christmas Carol though! But the little Tiny Tim family makes me sad. :( Absolutely no Christmas Story!!!!! (Okay, okay, it was fun while it lasted but it's really overrated!) I'm not a huge holiday-movie person.... I'd rather just put my iPod on the Christmas playlist or something.
6. Are you dong anything special for the holidays this year? Same as always. But that's a good thing. :)
7. What’s the best toy you ever got when you were a kid. Toy? I'm going to go with the Barbie house. Santa brought a handmade wood Barbie house that my crafty mom wallpapered and carpeted. (I am not even kidding!!!) It had a porch and a swimming pool too. Annnd of course it's in the basement safe and sound because deep inside I still want to play with it and maybe one day I'll have a little girl who will love it as much as I did (do)!! But there was also Scooter and Kimmy and the Bitty Baby and Baby Alive and my Dreamland babies, and well, you get the idea. ;-)
8. Why is Christmas special to you? Because it's a time to remember when the Savior of the world chose to come to this earth and live a life full of hardships out of nothing more than love. It's pretty heavy if you think about it. And on the other hand, I love Christmas because it's a time for most people to remember how much they love the family and friends they always seem to be too busy for during the year. It's a time of remembering relationships, blessings, and love. It's a time to ponder change and how fragile our days really are. It's a time to create memories that will last forever as we try to accept the fact that we have no idea what this coming year may bring. Christmas gently reminds us that life is short and we must enjoy its sweet moments.
I am 22 & currently spend my days nannying my itty bitties + going to college (working on my nursing degree, goal: pediatric oncology) & am honored to be a published writer in a nursing anthology & a contributor to many scrapbooking publications. i love hanging with my amazing friends, sister & family. i love my baby puppy haylie brooke and our silly doggie ri-ri. in my rare spare time, i read & get crafty. i thrive on organization, my mac repertoire, learning & absolute fabulosity. my favorite place in the world is paris. my favorite color is pink. i love being a nurse & i believe each one of my patients is precious. i'm a night owl & wish my lifestyle promoted such habits. i like lazy jammie days. i believe in god and am thankful for his hand on my life. i believe that life is too short to be anything but happy, & i’m thankful that a chronic liver disease + the effects of a car accident have taught me important values that most people learn far too late. i hope that the world will find hope, and my idea of a good day is one in which i made someone smile :)
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