One year ago today, September 6, 2007... the day that came just like any other but left leaving my life forever changed. . It was the second week of a new semester, and I was thrilled to be alive. The sun was shining, all my classes were off to a great start, my best friends were in my course sections, and I had all new school supplies. I love new school supplies.
Best of all, I was beginning my journey as an official nursing major - no more "prenursing" on all my records. I had officially made it into the prestigious program I had given the previous two years of my life to work towards. The strenuous journey through a dozen or two "liberal education requirements" and several difficult biology and chemistry courses was finally over, and my grades and letters of recommendation proved to the faculty that I had what it took to succeed.
I was ready for this semester. It was my semester, and I was going to shine.
Until 365 days ago.
One week into my semester.
I was on my way to Adolescent Psychology, taught by nationally-renowned psychologist (and absolutely phenomenal college professor) Dr. Angela Neal-Barnett, when just around the corner from my destination, stopped at a red light, I watched a girl drive her car full-speed into the back of mine. I had nowhere to turn - cars on one side, students on the other. It happened so fast, and from that point on, it was all a blur. All I remember is seeing her coming in my rearview mirror, calling 911 begging for an ambulance, and hearing the girl tell the police officer, "It was all my fault! I was trying to change my radio, and I wasn't even paying attention. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I just wasn't paying attention. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry!" while the paramedics strapped me down and rushed me into the ambulance.
*~*
The past year has been a journey I never planned on traveling. But that's how it goes sometimes, right? And that's where the miracle inside the craziness lies. Somehow.... somehow.... through hope and grace that only comes from above, could growth and blessings and new appreciation - and actually as weird as this sounds - an odd contentment - emerge amongst the excruciating pain, panic attacks, unbelievable diagnoses, lifestyle changes, nervous breakdowns, and unexpected roadblocks.
No, we don't plan these things. We actually pray for them not to happen to us. Please not us, not our family, not our friends, not calamity in our world. But it happens. Life happens. And when it does, all we can do is fight like it's the end of the world - because God knows there were days this past year where I sure thought it could have been.
One night last fall, I remember sitting on the floor in my parents' closet as my mom was getting ready to go out. I was in the middle of one of a few pretty big nervous breakdowns, and I was just sobbing "I can't do this," over and over and over.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. {Phil 4.13}
My blessed angel mother was one of the few people who could get through to me during these dark days, and as often as I'd lose it (and as hard as it was for her to watch me like that, I'm sure), she never lost patience with me. In her sweet voice, she'd encourage me. Over and over and over. She'd tell me that I would get through this. I was going to be fine. Everything was going to be okay. She'd sit and pray with me because she probably knew I couldn't find the words. This is my mom. I could have come to her in tears 20 times a day and she still would have been just as patient and gentle with me. She really helped me more than I'll ever be able to tell her.
But things were still a struggle...
I did learn though, I had to hold onto whatever I could find because when the darkness came, my mind would become crippled by fear. I wrote down verses, quotes, lines, whatever. I kept special encouraging cards and notes beside my bed. I'd look at pictures and remember that people loved me. It was that bad, especially in the beginning. I learned to cling to whatever threads of hope and pieces of encouragement I could find, especially words of the Lord. Like this one:
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. {1 Cor 10.13}
I know, tell that to those who are sure they're at the end of their rope, right? But seriously... that verse, among others, has kept me alive over the past year. When I in myself was sure I couldn't take it anymore, I had to remember that my omniscient God somehow knew I could handle it or otherwise it wouldn't be that bad. And I had to remember that when my human strength failed me, His divine strength would take up the slack. As hard as it was, I had to trust that He knew best. Just as He got me through every other day of my life, I had to trust on Him to get me through these days as well.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. {Prov 3.5-6}
Through the struggles, I learned to trust. I learned how He really does watch out for us. And most of all, I was humbled to the point of giving up and letting Him carry me. I was shattered into a million pieces unlike any other deep, dark time before. I had to give up my independence and quit my struggling. As hard as that was, once I made it, I was able to rest like a helpless child in His gentle arms as he calmed my fears and I regained my strength.
Even now, retelling my story, it sounds so much easier than it really was. My life has not been easy. I've dealt with chronic illnesses since I was five years old. What's a few more problems, right? Not really. See, the effects of the car wreck added things I'm not used to dealing with as far as my other issues are concerned. This past year has been full of learning how to cope with chronic pain, the frustrating effects of a concussion, and all kinds of new problems. Migraines, sleeping disorders, memory loss... wasn't I already dealing with enough? Neurologists, neurocognitive therapists, attention processing therapists... why? It was my semester, and I was going to shine, remember?? I was finally learning to cope with the chronic illnesses, I was madly in love with my fiance, things were just all around getting better, and that was so awesome.
I longed for what was.
My mind was a battlefield. Finally, I realized I had to silence my questions and firmly believe once and for all that God did not do this to me. I could either blame Him for letting it happen, or I could hate the snake for coming at me once again and rely on God to pull me through, striving to learn whatever I could along the journey out.
I chose the latter.
It's not easy. I'm still learning to cope with these new problems. I'm trying to figure out how I can keep my same dreams on these new paths. I don't give up dreams. But we are so blessed because no matter what comes, God will lead us.
A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. {Prov 16.9}
And when I stop to think about things, I'm grateful the situation that day didn't turn out worse - I'm so thankful God protected me from further harm, and I'm so humbled that He gave me precious lessons to learn as He brought me out. I'm at the point now where I realize that there is nothing to really be afraid of with the Lord on your side.
We are of God, little children... because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. {1 John 4.4}
His promises are true.
He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. {Isaiah 40.29}
So anyhow, I'm closing the past year of my life. A dark chapter, yet necessary... And here I go with the next one. Off on the rest of the journey. Sure, you might think I'm a lot weaker. My days are harder and longer. I fight more battles. I cry more tears. Yes, all of this is true. But in 365 days, I've learned so much in trusting, resting, and contentment. I've learned to cling to hope and praise God for His grace. I've grown to find comfort in His arms and sense the presence of the angels in the middle of the dark, lonely nights. So sure, you can think what you want, but I know that in all of the ways that count, I am so much stronger than before.
We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope. {Romans 5.3-4}
As posted on this entry, here are the words that always calm my heart:
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only. This bothered me because I noticed that during the hardest periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints.
I said to the Lord, “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, those are when I carried you.”
... or forget about it until you're forced to face it... you know, when it hits your mom, your sister, your son, or your friend? It's your choice, but unless we face it now, we'll only have to face it harder later...
K guys... this is BIG:
Official press release:
Stand Up To Cancerwww.standup2cancer.org), a new initiative to raise philanthropic dollars for accelerating ground-breaking research, launches today through an unprecedented collaboration uniting the major television networks, entertainment industry executives, celebrities and prominent leaders in cancer research and patient advocacy. ABC, CBS and NBC will donate one hour of simultaneous commercial-free primetime for a nationally televised fundraising event to air on September 5, 2008 (8 pm EDT and PDT), aimed at rallying the public around the goal of ending cancer's reign as a leading cause of death.
..."For people struggling with this disease, or those who will be diagnosed, scientific breakthroughs can be a matter of life or death -- literally. We want everyone to know that they can make a difference in this fight," said [Katie] Couric. "Television is a notoriously competitive business. For the three major broadcast networks to join forces is a wonderful example of the power of working together, and we're very grateful to have the opportunity to reach people all over the country through this show."
"As a motion picture and television producer, I've learned how incredibly powerful these mediums can be in generating public discourse, sometimes almost overnight. Our goal with this initiative and TV show is to ‘tip' the conversation in this country about cancer – to get people riled up, so they want to do something about the fact that it still takes so many lives," said Laura Ziskin, who will produce the September 5th broadcast. Ziskin is a cancer survivor. Her film credits include the Spider-Man trilogy, As Good As It Gets, and Pretty Woman, and she also produced the 74th and 79th Annual Academy Awards.
The Stand Up To Cancer special will feature live performances by legendary recording artists and stars from film and television who will perform as well as present filmed content giving viewers insight into cancer. Various screening tests will be demonstrated in novel and entertaining ways. "Katie, Charlie and Brian will report on potentially life-saving research, speaking with both patients and scientists. We hope to entertain you, educate you, move and inspire you," Ziskin said.
Stand Up To Cancer (SU2C) is a program of the Entertainment Industry Foundation (EIF), a 501(c)(3) charitable organization, and was established by a group of media, entertainment and philanthropic leaders, whose lives have all been affected by cancer in significant ways. Stand Up To Cancer is bringing industry resources -- people, as well as mediums such as television and the web -- to bear in the fight against cancer as never before...
"The statistics are staggering," Gibson said. "Cancer claims one person every minute of every day in the United States. Every year in this country, it takes the lives of more than half a million people…worldwide, cancer kills more than six million people annually. There has been progress on both the research and awareness fronts; as a result, there are over ten million cancer survivors in the US today. More work urgently needs to be done so that more people will survive," he said.
...New developments in the laboratory are revealing the way cancer begins, progresses and spreads. Stand Up To Cancer is founded on the belief that now, more than ever, there is sufficient knowledge of the basic science of cancer, and that the technologies are finally available to translate this knowledge into real advances in treatment and prevention. Today's cancer scientists are on the verge of life-saving discoveries. But what they desperately need are the funds required to mount an all-out assault. Stand Up To Cancer is dedicated to providing this much needed new source of cancer research funding...
"Everyone in our country has been touched by cancer in some way, shape or form. The thought that we could, in one hour of television, make a true difference in the fight against this disease was both exciting and inspiring," Sweeney said.
"Television is a uniquely powerful medium and the networks joining forces offer an unparalleled opportunity to communicate loud and clear that we all have a stake in the fight against cancer," said Moonves. "Through the unity of broadcasters, entertainers and cancer groups alike, and the giving spirit of the audience at home, this television event has the potential to make a profound impact on our society's ability to understand and battle this terrible disease."
"We've gone to the moon and pioneered a technology that revolutionized the way the world communicates. Applying that same innovation and commitment, scientists are on the cusp of making enormous strides in their efforts to combat cancer, but they need additional funding to do that. Through Stand Up To Cancer, and the September 5th broadcast, people all over the country can help."
I won't be home, but the DVR is already set. This is so necessary. So BIG. So needed. So NOW. If we all just turned on our TV, said a prayer, gave a dollar... Oncology is a huge interest of mine, and I am all read up on the research. This isn't the media giving you half the story. We're almost there. Almost. But the government is NOT helping. We have the technology, but if you saw the costs, you'd be speechless. Some of these new drugs alone are so high that pharmacies won't even dispense them - the MDs have to pay for them out of pocket, and usually at that they don't get completely reimbursed. Those are the good souls who have the vision. Cancer has touched my life in so many ways - family, close friends, parents of friends... and unfortunately, most of their stories didn't end up with success. That's changing. I truly believe in my lifetime, I'll see the cure to cancer. The more physiology you study and the more you hear about the advanced ideas about treatment options, the more it clicks and you wonder why you didn't think of that! But then you think about how much funding and how many years of research comes next, and it's easy to get discouraged. Well, we've seen what happens on shows like Idol Gives Back, so I'm interested to see what happens when the country and a handful of our hottest celebs get together to make a difference. There's power in numbers. And for just one night, we can forget about being republicans or democrats and stand united for one cause. And those running for office can stand by and watch.... it's about time they realize that despite our differences, we are all humans and we all have a heart for suffering. Yes, our country is suffering. Financially, with our worldwide relationships, and especially with our healthcare. With BIG disease that hit hard. But I hate politics so I'll get back to where my heart is.... health and suffering and MAKING A DIFFERENCE... I had some links for you from their site as well as some facts but due to high traffic, a lot of the site is temporarily down. Here's what works for now, plus some videos. And facts we ALL need to hear.
Tune in tonight. We all can make a difference... how great is that!!
*Where is the money going? Paul Rudd gives us more info about the show and the research...
*Don't forget.... all the STARS are coming out tonight! Here's a benefit song by Mariah Carey, Beyonce, Rihanna, Fergie, Miley Cyrus, Sheryl Crow, Melissa Etheridge, Natasha Bedingfield, Mary J Blige. I believe the single is on iTunes NOW and an album will be in iTunes on Tuesday.
Hard Facts
A 1% reduction in cancer deaths would add $500 billion into the US economy.
Imagine $50 trillion; that’s what we’ll save by conquering cancer.
In 1982 the Surgeon General’s Report stated “cigarette smoking is the major single cause of cancer mortality in the U.S.” This statement is still true.
Tobacco accounts for over 1/3rd of all cancer deaths in the US.
Although more than 40-thousand women die every year of breast cancer in this country that number is going down. One reason is because doctors and scientists are now able to breakdown tumors to the cellular level and target therapies accordingly.
Breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in women.
Smoking is responsible for 87% of lung cancer deaths and lung cancer is the leading cause of cancer death and is one of the most difficult cancers to treat.
In 2007 approximately 153,760 new cases of colorectal cancer were diagnosed.
The five-year survival rate for colorectal cancer detected early is 90%.
Colorectal cancer kills almost 50,000 Americans every year.
We used to have such crazy dreams. The kind of dreams that brought us together, made us not mere mortals, but a movement.
We used to dream we'd get to the moon. And we were crazy enough, fanatical enough, relentless enough, to get there.
We dreamed we'd split the atom. Make smallpox and polio whispers from forgotten history books. Make technology infinite, individual. Connect the world.
All the unbelievable and the impossible, all the can't do and the never will, we overwhelmed them, we overpowered them, we conquered them. They said no and we, well, We said yes. We stood up. We stood up and changed the world.
Stand up when everybody else sits down Stand up when it's easier to turn away Stand up for everyone who can't rise anymore
When the answer seems impossible, stand up When the dream is right within our reach, stand up When the powerful refuse your call, stand up
The moment is now and the time has come to stand up. One out of every two men One out of every three women will face these diseases we call cancer.
Our sisters, our brothers, our fathers, our mothers, our husbands, our wives, our children. Our very best friends and those we've yet to meet.
One person every minute, one person in a moment gets lost, gets stolen, gets taken away.
We are a tapestry of lives touched and brought together by a terrorist we can actually find. And in the time it's taken to read this, three more Americans have died.
Unforgivable.
This is where the end of cancer begins.
When together we become a force unmistakable. A movement undeniable. A light that cannot dim.
When we take our wild impossible dreams And make them possible Make them true
When together we rise as one When we stand up When we Stand Up To Cancer.
Lastly, may this simple video touch your heart.
What do YOU stand for?
Tonight, will YOU stand up to cancer? May this be where the end of cancer begins. ABC . NBC . CBS 8p EST/PST View the celebrity lineup
Inspired by my baby sister, for all of my special friends, too :)
*some of my all time favorites*
The human spirit is astoundingly formidable. Resilient. Persistent. Capable. Indestructible. Surprising. Mysterious. Inspiring. Hopeful.
Do you believe it?
*~*
Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. {betty smith}
Every morning is a fresh beginning. Every day is the world made new. Today is a new day. Today is my world made new. I have lived all my life up to this moment, to come to this day. This moment - this day - is as good as any moment in all eternity. I shall make of this day - each moment of this day - a heaven on earth. This is my day of opportunity. {dan custer}
Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life's too short to be anything...but happy :) {unknown}
Life is now. Not in the future, which may never come, and not in the past, which has already dissolved... we are here now, just as we are, with the feelings we have on this day ... because later we might not feel the same, we might change or be changed, or lose each other in opposite directions, like drops of rain on a windowpane. Feelings fray, promises are broken. This present will pass, and we won't ever be able to call it back. {vita}
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it. {mother theresa}
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference. {elie wiesel}
To laugh often and much. To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children. To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others. To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition. To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. {ralph waldo emerson}
As you grow up, you learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken more than once, and it gets harder every time. You will break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You will fight with your best friend. You will blame a new love for things an old love did. You will cry because time is passing too fast, and you will eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin. {unknown}
It makes no difference how many peaks you reach if there was no pleasure in the climb. {oprah winfrey}
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success be achieved. {helen keller}
*~*
*be blessed*
remember who flies beside you and guides your way :)
I am 22 & currently spend my days nannying my itty bitties + going to college (working on my nursing degree, goal: pediatric oncology) & am honored to be a published writer in a nursing anthology & a contributor to many scrapbooking publications. i love hanging with my amazing friends, sister & family. i love my baby puppy haylie brooke and our silly doggie ri-ri. in my rare spare time, i read & get crafty. i thrive on organization, my mac repertoire, learning & absolute fabulosity. my favorite place in the world is paris. my favorite color is pink. i love being a nurse & i believe each one of my patients is precious. i'm a night owl & wish my lifestyle promoted such habits. i like lazy jammie days. i believe in god and am thankful for his hand on my life. i believe that life is too short to be anything but happy, & i’m thankful that a chronic liver disease + the effects of a car accident have taught me important values that most people learn far too late. i hope that the world will find hope, and my idea of a good day is one in which i made someone smile :)
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