Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I’m Guest Posting…

Come see me over at That Girl's. I graced her visitors with a little of my Link Love (and some Haylie love, umm come on, does that really surprise you??) so head right this way to check out my post and explore all that's going on at her charming blog. Links, news, delicious home decor, videos, contests.... :)

A messy summer….

No, I did not disappear from the face of the earth for almost 2 weeks. I definitely feel like I have, and a few may vote that I should have, but I think I'm still here.

I need to vent....

Just for the record, taking 9 credit hours in the SUMMER is not something I recommend, nor is being officially diagnosed with narcolepsy (yeah, like can my life become any more of a joke right now??) and beginning aggressive medication therapy. Oh yes and starting a new job at the same time - at a hospital - a new job that lets me do less than I'm even allowed to do as a nursing student at school. But then again, I don't recommend living with panic disorder to anyone, plus all the other health problems - that's not fun. Then throw in the stress of getting ready for FALL semester. Plus the fact that I leave for Chicago the day after I finish my last summer class and come back the Wednesday before Fall semester begins. (That would be my parents' grand idea) Or how about the problem of one of my courses being 4 credit hours, 4 days a week, for 5 weeks, plus, too early in the morning for me to attend because of the narcolepsy and the new meds, so I'm doing really bad (not even saying how bad because I am a 3.8 student, and well, I might not even PASS this class, that's how bad it is) and I'm mad because I'm wasting my time trying to do well in a class I hate while I should be in my pool or resting or relaxing or giving myself some "me" time - after all, my therapist told me to. At this rate, I'm going no where fast and I'm going to be burnt out and flat on my face before I even graduate. My favorite professor always told me you can't take care of your patients if you don't take care of yourself. But if I was taking care of myself, I'd would have already taken that school hiatus I've talked about since Fall '07 (you know, after I got in the on-campus car wreck the SECOND week of school that caused me to almost have to take the semester off) so I'd be way delayed in taking care of my patients anyways. Not to mention my wedding would be postponed even further. Unless someone gave us a few hundred thousand dollars to pay for the cost of living until I was out of school. Right.

See, one day I'm going to look back on this and see how hard I had to fight for this and it's going to make it all the more worthwhile, but well, I'm not there yet so at the moment it's just frustrating. I live for my nursing classes and the rest, well, I learn what I can and try to make the most of it.... even classes like this stupid summer course and things like physiological chemistry and all those other classes I really wished would just go away!

So I've been crabby and whiny and mopey and in this stupid funk that I hate being in. I'm mad summer's almost over and I haven't done one single fun "summery" thing. Instead I've worked my butt off for what? Not too much. I'm only sicker and tireder (that looks so funny but it is a word!) than when it all started. I don't even have time to do normal things I'd usually otherwise do. Why? I'm studying like crazy so I don't have to retake this stupid summer class. And when I'm not studying, I'm feeling guilty about it. But deep inside I sort of hope I can take it in the fall instead, rearrange my other courses and let my overachiever self just deal with it because then I'll have a really light fall semester and maybe, just maybe, I'll get a little break from all I've put myself through. I need to recharge my batteries. I want to be free to spend time with the people who count, to actually have time to finish a whole entire book that doesn't say "Eighth Edition" on the cover, to be able to go out to dinner with my grandparents, to have time to resurrect the hobbies that used to thrill me for hours and hours. I'm not a real grown-up yet. I refuse to be.

College is hard for anyone, so how I got this far is a miracle in itself - I should be thankful and proud. But at the same time? I'm a pusher. I'll stop for nothing and I know all too well that I'll be satisfied only when I decide I'm at the level I want to be. So here I am, ready to start year 4 (of 5 total), still running with it just as relentless as ever. I sure know my physical strength isn't going to put up with a full-time lifestyle in this field, but I know it's my calling so I'm chasing it, blindly trusting the words of the Lord in my heart.

Friday, July 18, 2008

and we’ve only just begun :)

our tiny little family :)

OnE yEaR enGagEd!

So I went into Hallmark the other day and asked where I would find engagement anniversary cards. I cannot even describe the look I got from the saleslady and I'd love to remember the stuttered words she tried to respond with, but in retrospect, I guess I should have known better than to ask.

Most people aren't engaged for a long time. Come to think of it, I can't think of many who actually have "engagement anniversaries." I've just gotten used to the fact that Jonathan and I will be engaged for like, ever. Not that we want to be. We're just being smart about it. I need to finish my nursing degree and we need to get a few other things squared away so we can start our marriage out when we are both ready to dedicate all of our resources to it. I won't sit here and tell you all of our reasons why - trust me, we go back and forth all the time. But for us, it IS the right thing to do, and although it's really hard at times, we are sticking to our date of October 2, 2010, and as of today, we have just lived through the first year of the wait!!

We couldn't be happier or more absolutely, hopelessly, way past senselessly in love. They say trials make you stronger, and this relationship has definitely been through it. Not in personal arguments or whatever, but just in life issues we've had to go through. Each and every time, we get through the trials together. We're stronger together, and we are just so comfortable in each other's love.

I spent some time on Wordle with my old journals, and using some key words that reminded me of us, I made this little piece. It means a lot to me and I hope Jonathan likes it when he sees it. :)

And digging through my computer to find a picture for this post, I couldn't help but smile when I found this one.... it's not in focus but I don't really care. That ring right there, it is exactly what I have wanted ever since I ever got into the idea of jewelry. One beautiful diamond on a little band.... all I wanted, and most definitely what he gave me. And it's not about just the jewelry. It could be smaller or have side stones or not be the perfect ring, and that would still be okay, because it would still stand for one thing. Us. And it would still symbolize one concept. Forever. I used to think the whole "the circle has no end" thing was cheezy, but lately I'm a big believer in forever.

Really think about it.

Forever.

It has no end. Never ever.

So as far as I'm concerned, we belong to each other since one year ago today, and never will we be another's. Forever lasts in this life and into the next because it is without capacity or limits. It's infinite. And that is really what I have on my finger. Good luck if you want me to take my ring off even for a second. It's to me now what my scrawny patched up stuffed animal was to me when I was a baby. As long as it's with me, I know I'll be okay.

Just like as long as my guy is with me, I know I'll be okay.

My mom always said when you find the right one, you know. I laughed at her and told her that couldn't be true. That only happened in Disney movies right? Well, I hate to say it, but I'll say it here for all the world to see: Mom was right. And one day maybe I'll be telling our girls the same thing.

So here's to so many more years of this.... when it's this good, it's definitely worth waiting for.

Oh, and by the way... I found a card. Nope, it didn't say "Happy Engagement Anniversary," but it had a lovely little cartoon that was pretty close to our story (which started almost 4 years ago!) so I finally decided to go with that. Cute?

And a little video that means a little something extra to Jonathan and I...

I love you with all my heart.

366 days [by my fiance]

Exactly 366 days ago (it is a leap year you know), the answer to the question I’ve waited to ask my whole life was answered. On July 18, 2007 Amanda and I officially became engaged to be married. Now I didn’t get anything flashy through this whole process like she does, well, besides getting to grin every time someone compliments the love of my life on her ring. But needless to say this last year has been incredible. I have become closer to her than I ever thought I could. And when I see how far we have come in just one year of being engaged, I’m exited for the day when she can nudge me in the morning instead of just txting me :)

This week has been rough for both of us...I mean I haven’t even seen her since Monday, and that just reaffirms to me how much I need her and how much we do depend on each other in everything we do.

So here’s to the next 805 days. I can’t wait to see what we are able to do together. You know, I think that’s my favorite word now too ;)

I love you with all of my heart.

Jonathan

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A “real” nursing job!

I've had jobs before, but this is different. This is the first time I'm actually being paid to act upon my nursing skills that after three full years of nursing school are definitely starting to accumulate. I figured now's a good time.... I start my 4th year in August (out of 5 total... yes I'm one of those who will be in nursing school forevvverrr!!) so I figured summer would be a good time to get a job underway. I'll try to sum it up.... :)

Last week: orientation week. So for three days only, I made a relatively large amount of money to sit on my butt from 7:45-4:30 daily to hear ramblings on OSCA, HIPAA, JCHAO, patient satisfaction, oh and yes - my favorite of the week - electrical safety! ;-) And Wednesday was nursing skills review. Fun. Nothing we didn't learn already in school, but hey, we did get free donuts too, so shall I complain? I think not. ;-)

So, I've kind of been lacking in the blog department lately, especially about all this fun job stuff, so let's back up to about a year ago...

The job recruiter at one of the local hospitals came to my school and I begged her for a job as a student nurse tech. (Not because I needed the money, simply because I'm way overly ambitious and love nursing! You knew that, silly!) She said as soon as my first clinicals were done, call her and she'd hire me. So I did. A few months ago.

Meanwhile, I was interviewing and shadowing at the local children's-only hospital. (Remember my post Angels Fighters + Miracles ? It's all in there) Long story short, I was going to work in the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) there, and on the day I shadowed, we had a rough day with three deaths including one little boy who started out at school, collapsed on the playground, made for a huge trauma scene in the PICU, and eventually, his little heart just couldn't go any longer. I thought I would be okay, but as the days went by, I realized that working on that kind of floor would just bring back too many memories of my childhood in that very same hospital. Either my scars aren't done healing, or they'll never be done healing - that's not the point. But for now, I have to be completely honest with myself and I know that accepting a position on that kind of floor would be extremely unwise on my part, just asking for cruel, emotional torment. So, thankfully, my interview at the original hospital with the recruiter I met at school went extremely well, I ended up interviewing for a couple floors, and to make a long story short, I'm now employed.

So what is a student nurse tech, you ask? Well, we are in the main "Nursing Department" and basically we can do most of what the RNs do except for meds, etc. - things that require the RN state licensure. There's definite rules on what we can/can't do, but once the nurses on the floor get to know us, they'll let us do just about anything. (One of my friends practices IV insertions on the RNs every night if the patients are sleeping and everything's under control, ha!) We get paid way more than the majority of other college students, I can assure you that, and we are actually getting experience that is directly related to our future careers. And guess what else? WE choose our own hours so it's conducive to our schooling, AND they pay us shift differential for anything after 2:30pm (until like 6 or 7am or something). But that's when we have class/clinical (usually) anyways, so they pay us extra to work when they know we'll most likely work anyways? Umm.... So why does it seem so great? Well, because of the nursing shortage, the hospital likes to sugar it up so when we graduate, they can say, "Remember all those free pens and water bottles we gave you? Oh yeah, and we paid you real nice? We let you pick all your own hours? Remember us? We like you. We gave you free parking. Come work here." All the hospitals do it now... how not-obvious of them.

But hey, I get an excuse to get cute, comfy scrubs - that aren't my school's white, starchy, embroidered uniform scrubs! - so do I care?? Nope. And I'm seriously making statements in my scrubs. No scary patterns here. I have the boot cut pants and the cute little tops in all my fave colors and prints that might even pass as "real clothes"... cute necklines, cute ties, some have eyelets and gathers and all kinds of stuff. Nope, nothing scary and cartoony here! If you ever end up at my hospital (and wouldn't you like to know - I'm not telling! HIPAA might come get me!) you def' can't miss me. I'm the most styling one around. Seriously.

So I spent the entire previous week filling out paperwork, doing random stuff and getting drug-screened and a physical at Employee Health, getting security checked and ID-badged at security, getting my free (yay!) parking pass..... And last week was two orientation lecture days plus a nursing orientation day.

I'm really excited to start working on the floor. It's a brand new neuro floor - just remodeled and we have all new staff, new director, new everything. And the nurse manager (the director) and I hit it off. When I came to meet with her over a month ago (the floor wasn't even open yet), she knew my name and told me how excited she was to finally meet me. She said she had looked through my portfolio and already knew she wanted to hire me. In fact, she went so far as to actually tell me she wanted to clone me. (Weird?) We didn't really talk about anything interview-ish, we immediately went into our hopes and dreams for the floor and the field and where both of us have been and would like to be. Our passions are very similar, and I know she was really impressed when I started sharing what I read in a journal article with her and she pulled that same article off of a pile on her desk. She pretty much told me it's her floor and she is making sure I am on it, and I love her energy and determination. I can tell she's one of those people who gets things done, and I am sure she's not afraid of trying new things, so I'm really excited to work with her. Before I left, she politely asked if she could ask me one little favor. Of course I didn't mind, so I told her of course, and she proceeded to ask if she could make a copy of a page from my nursing portfolio to hand out to every person she hires for the new floor. I had no idea why she'd want to do that, but then she showed me the page, and in my heart, I think I new why.

Basically, last semester we had to write Clinical Journal Entries for school, and my first entry of the semester inspired me to take out all the annoying school parts like "three specific semester goals" and other distracting parts for the assignment, just prune it down to an honest, open Why-I'm-In-Nursing piece. Click to see my post that includes last semester's Clinical Journal Entry #1 and the portfolio version is pretty much that, minus the first paragraph as well as the last 2-3 paragraphs. But back to this... sure enough, almo st two months later, Director was so excited to give every single employee on her floor a copy of that. What an honor. I hope it encourages someone to be a better nurse.

So with that, I begin my real floor nursing today - I have to shadow for 2 8hr shifts and then I'm on my own on my own floor. Normally I'd just be on my floor from the start, but since it's new, they're still acclimating the unit to patient use. So much going on that I'm way excited to share, but getting this post up in itself is an accomplishment (snaps for me!) so with that, I hope everyone is off to a great week! :)

Monday, July 07, 2008

Psalm 31… bits and pieces